Isaacs Picture Conclusions

ISAACS EXCREMENT: MY TEN WORST MOVIES OF 2011

POOP

I was inspired by another movie reviewer, who put out his favorite Top Ten Movies of 2011, and, since I am relatively new to all of this, I wanted to do something similar, but not copy, so the two of us here at the IPC thought that we’d put out our “Ten Worst of 2011″. Since we are not some syndicate, we didn’t see every single movie put out in 2011, but I looked through 800 of the 8,134 listed as “2011” on IMDB and was able to pick out ten true stinkers.  Of course, we watch other movies out there, but this is the horror-blog so I don’t comment on them. Anyway, here we go:

10: THE RESIDENT

This movie with Hillary Swank (as the being-stalked resident) and Jeffrey Dean Morgan (as the stalking landlord) was totally boring and unbelievable. A real waste of my time. See my review here. Yawn, discard.

9: THE DILEMMA

I have been, and always will be a Ron Howard fan, but this thing with him in the Director’s chair, Kevin James (who I really like) and Vince Vaughn (who I used to like before he started doing things like Wedding Crashers and Old School [both movies I liked, but I liked him before he became the Vaughn he is today}) would be damn good comedy, right? This was boring, awkward and just plain dumb. I think Howard wanted to make a “feel good” Kevin James movie but the “Vince Vaughn: just go talk and say whatever you want” didn’t work, the chemistry between everyone seemed off, they throw in some irritating Queen Latifah and the end product just stunk up our upstairs living room.  Discard.

8: QUARANTINE 2: TERMINAL

Reviewed here, this movie was a TOTAL letdown from the decent, promising Quarantine and a complete piece of shit when compared to the path the (REC) series is taking (which the first is a remake of).  Feel free to check out the review, but, for real, this was a waste of time and money, but it doesn’t look like anyone wasted too much money making this. Delete.

7: CONAN THE BARBARIAN

Semi reviewed here, this remake was actually laughably terrible. The 3G CGI might have looked good to some pople in the theater, but rendered into 2G HD it was awful. The acting was terrible,  the plots and situations were shake-our-heads stupid, and we just hated the entire thing.  I can’t even really give this a “nice try” (and I really liked Momoa in Game of Thrones and have liked Rachel Nichols for years). Delete and maybe watch again someday while tranquilized.

6: BAD TEACHER

We have reviewed the evidence and rule that this movie was pretty awful. Cameron Diaz plays a “bad teacher” who smokes the grass, drinks, hates her students and uses bad words. Jason Segel, Phyllis from The Office and JT himself co-star.  Totally a recipe for hilarity, right? HAHAHALOLOLOL – nope. Boring and stale, I liked The Teacher better. Delete, wash hands, move on.

5: OCCUPANT

Reviewed here recently. This thing is disjointed, clunky, a little bit of this, some of that, then really, really derails after the first half, devolving into a miasma (yes I wrote that) of nothing that makes any sense, not even in a cool way.  The end is just stupid and this is not worth watching.  Delete, forget.

4: PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES

I liked the first three – but I have NOT ever cared for Depp as Jack Sparrow, but had hope here for a good action movie, which neither of us found with this thing. In fact, the night we were watching it, I actually got up and opted for bed about halfway through. I found this outlandish, I thought Ian McShane (who I loved in Deadwood) ruined this as Blackbeard and the introduction of the Spaniards just complicated this altogether. In the search for the fountain of youth, including mermaids and Penelope Cruz, this was just boring and stupid. Delete, forget, have hope for a better sequel.

3: CLASH OF THE TITANS

WTF this movie sucked so bad. The 3D was terrible, the jumping and screaming and flying and acting was awful, the whole production was a miserable mess, we both laughed this thing off and I felt bad for Liam Neeson being associated with this, but I guess a paycheck is a paycheck. Now there’s a sequel coming and, no-no-NO-NO-jeez, it actually looks kind of good. Forget this piece of crap and let’s hope “Wrath” is better.

2: THE LAST EXORCISM

Here’s my review of this hunk of shit: TLE. Found footage, bad acting, terrible, terrible ending, this thing was pretty awful early and didn’t get any better as it progressed.  If you are mildly interested in this, I hope you change your mind and just wipe your butt with your copy of the script, or DVD cover, or Netflix envelope. Butt-wipe material.

1: MEGAN IS MISSING

Like I wrote in my review of this vile movie, I understand that this was produced as a “Cautionary Tale” to warn young girls about the potential evil of internet predators and the dangers of the new age of Social Media. I get it. I do. Did the last thirty minutes have to be so god damned fucking graphic? NO – the answer to that is NO. I understand what the film makers were trying to attempt, but fuck this movie. I never want to see that again.

Well there you go – IPC’s first ever Top Ten List. Enjoy! Here’s to some good horror in ’12 – and surely some real duds.

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