(here’s that OOOPS post from a few weeks ago – if anyone wanted to see how it ended)
I think it goes without saying that we are currently alive and that someday in the future we will be deceased (which sucks). So we all live our lives like we do and believe in what we believe in and make the world a better place by writing about movies and such and I encourage free thought and try not to take myself too seriously and to each their own and all of that and you believe in what you believe in and great! My stupid point about that is that I loved this movie as a kid and I probably watched it 100 times and I loveditloveditlovedit so I nostalgically ordered it up the other week and here I am watching it for the first time in thirty years and… well… rumor has it that Ryan Gossling and his buddies are doing a remake of this and… well… it could sure use it. I grew up in the 70s and I write a lot about movies from that decade and I love 70s shit, but we’ve come a a long way from back then, both technologically, fashion sense-y and special effects-y so this could probably take a little bit of updating. So why did I mention the whole dying thing? Well – being that I loved this SO MUCH as a kid, whatever happens to me after I expire, I don’t want some future version of me to come across this place and realize that it might not have been as awesome as it was when you were growing up. So, hey EI – 2 – check this out you’ll love it!
I have a feeling that most of The Good and Honest and Wonderful Readers who visit this place probably aren’t interested in a send up about a PG rated science fiction movie from 1976 so I totally understand if you pass this one up but this is more of a commitment to myself and future generations of me. So the year is 2274 and we the people have destroyed the Earth and everyone who still lives resides in a giant city housed underneath a bunch of giant, fake looking domes. Not only did everyone appear to be Caucasian they also all wear spiffy flowing pastel gowns and tights, have a Life Clock planted in the palm of their hand and they are all killed at the age of thirty by participating in a ritual called Carousel (in that pic above). When their little gem thing in their hand starts to flicker on and off, this means they are going to expire soon but they might make it to a new life through Carousel (but no one ever does). Yes – they all get their robes on and put on freaky masks and then fly around in the air until they end up exploding in some pretty fake F/X.
If you decide not to voluntary be killed, see, you have the option to “Run” for your life but there’s a group of folks who wear outfits like that one above called Sandmen who will track you down and kill you and your corpse will be burned to mush by acid. That stoic looking gentleman there is Logan 5 (as grimacingly portrayed by Michael York). Him and his buddy Francis (Richard Jordan) are a couple of 23rd century studs who like the ladies (who none of which appear to be wearing braziers under their onesies mind you) and like chasing down and killing Runners even more. Sweet, sweet action. Well, one night Logan 5 is in the mood for some of his own sweet, sweet action so he dials up a sex worker via some sort of fancy futuristic tube in the wall and gets a dude. He seems to consider that for a good minute and then presses a button and gets the lovely Jenny Agutter who is the one and only Jessica 6:
and, yep, that’s the outfit she comes arranged in, so no worries there, kid. Turns out she doesn’t want to do it with a fucking SANDMAN!! you sorry bastards!! so she storms out and Francis comes in with a couple of floozies and I assume they get their party on.
The next day the two cops report to work which is, of course, a giant computer with a sensual female voice and Logan 5 is given an unusual assignment: his Life Clock is going to be set to “dead-time” and he is going to become a Runner, leave the city, go outside and infiltrate the Sanctuary where 1000 and something uncaptured escapees appear to be holed up and enjoying their freedom, which is not something anyone is allowed to do, I guess. Apparently the computer knows that the Ankh is a symbol for the Sanctuary and since cutie Jessica 6 wears one around her neck, he knows she’s his “in”.
He tries to get her to take him to sanctuary but she is wary of this fucking SANDMAN!! but he persuades her to go out on one of his calls to capture some poor woman and YES! he lets her go so everyone can trust him now! Too bad for that poor woman, Francis is right behind him following his every move so he shoots her with his zap gun and she’s off to the next life. Now that Logan 5 is seemingly ”in with the enemy” he decides to go off and get a new face at the NU U (or something like that).
There, he runs into none other than a very young Farrah Fawcett as a receptionist and he enters the booth to get his new face but the Doctor has been ordered to kill him!! Lasers go off all over the place!! There’s a struggle!! The Doctor is killed!! Farrah divorces Lee Majors!! Logan 5′s tit has been lasered! Well – they high tail it out of there with Francis right behind them and the chase is on! First they run through a very weird SLO-MO sex party (or something) and I don’t know how this was PG because there’s a lot of boobs here and even a couple of schlongs, but they make their way out and head down into the tunnels below the city. Francis, hot on their heels, shoots at them constantly but they jump into some water and swim their way to safety! Safety in the form of some sort of ice cave where they both strip off their wet clothes, put on some fancy bear skins and run into this machine called Box who wants to freeze them in ice (ha ha Boxx).
I honestly just watched this the other day and I don’t remember how they outsmarted Box but they destroy him and get away and head outside where they encounter The Sun for the first time and neither of them know what it is, but “it’s warm” and they like it. As they travel further in their wet rags they pick their way through some trees and stumble on some rocks and Jessica 6 screams”I HATE OUTSIDE!! OUTSIDE HURTS!!“
During a small struggle they happen to look at their hands and – wouldn’t you know it? their Life Clock gems are clear and they’re not going to die after all and living in that dome is all bullshit!! The first they do after this epiphany is jump naked off of a cliff and do some skinny dipping and some implied – uh – wedding night activities – and then do some more walking in search of food. Soon they come across what they don’t know is The Mall at Washington D.C. and it’s all covered with ivy or kudzu or something like that and they take a look at the Lincoln Monument and they don’t know what this person is and figure that that’s what it looks like if people get old. Dismissing this in wonderment and awe, they head into the U.S. Senate Chambers and encounter a very old Peter Ustinov and his thirty something cats.
Of course they don’t understand this dithering old man or the words coming out of his mouth but they really like him and touch his wrinkles and decide they love him. All of that happiness comes to a quick end when mean old Francis busts in and threatens to kill everyone. He and Logan 5 have a nice fist fight and Logan eventually gets the upper hand (lol – John Doe’s got the upper hand!!!) and kills him after everything they’ve been through… poor bastard. This makes Logan 5 realize they can’t live in this vine infested piece of shit city so they decide to head back to the domes, with Old Man in tow and convince everyone that Carousel is bullshit and they can live a long life.
Eventually they do make it back and scream at everyone that Carousel is a lie but no one listens and they get arrested. In some sort of cage, the sultry computer voice tries to coerce information out of Logan 5 through some sort of screen altering imagery but he’s too strong!! And he blows up the computer with his willpower!! And everything goes prison shithouse crazy!! Everything blows up!! Concrete rafters fall on people and they don’t get hurt!! Everyone forgets to floss!! Well, enough of that – with everything crumbling down around them, everyone heads “outside” and see the old man and they can’t believe it and Jessica 6 and Logan 5 hug. The end!
And there it is, EI 2, go watch it, you’ll enjoy the shit out of it (but it could use some updating) so no official “rating” for this one since I don’t want to confuse myself in the future .Thanks for reading!! Have good weekends! I’ll be Prometheus-ing it up the next time you hear from me droooooooooooooooooooool.