I’ve spent a few days after watching this trying to determine exactly what it is about this movie that I dislike so much. I mean, I dig Zombie and I really like Devil’s Rejects. I thought Halloween was decent (but 2 sucked ass). This wasn’t too gruesome or anything and it was basically just an hour and a half long music video so, I guess, if I had to pinpoint it, it would probably boil down to the fact that it doesn’t have any sense to it and the dialogue was awful and SCREAMED the entire time. Well, let me ask some questions:
Why does Sherri Moon (Zombie) scream every one of her lines Baby-Talk Style?
Why do we have to endure dialogue like this throughout:
Stucky: Hey, I know you. You work down at the hardware store. Richard Wick right? All the guys make fun out of you. They call you ‘Little Dick Wick.’ They even sing a song about you.
Richard Wick: Shut your trap.
Stucky: ‘Little Dick Wick, played with his prick, don’t his smell just make you sick?’
Captain Spaulding: You miserable motherfucker, I ought to leap over this counter and bash your fuckin’ balls in!
Killer Karl: All right, Tippy! Hand over the cash box, and I might leave your brains inside your skull!
Captain Spaulding: Well, I’ll tell you what, Ski King. Why don’t you just take your Mama home some chicken and then I won’t have to stuff my boot all up in your ass!
Killer Karl: I don’t like chicken! And I hate clowns!That is it! I’m gonna count to ten and you’re gonna hand over all the cash, or I’m gonna splatter your grease paint mug across the state line! One…
Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo mama!
Killer Karl: Two…
Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo sister!
Killer Karl: Three…
Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo grandma!
Why does the Firefly family act like this? Why do they kill and scalp and torture? Why do they all scream at each other? Why do they turn Dwight Schrute into half man half fish? Why does Otis wear that chick’s dad’s skin as a skin suit? Why are there cannibals living underground? Why do they play that stupid slow-mo speech? Why is Otis so obnoxious and stupid? Why do they wear masks at dinner? Why do they dress these victims up in bunny suits? What does the scene with Sherri Moon’s ass all out have to do with anything? Why do they put on those big paper mache masks to go bash in that car? Why is Otis hiding in the back of the clown’s car?
I know a lot of people like this movie but I guess I just don’t get it. Horror send up? Horror comedy? Horror to appease an ego? I don’t know but I didn’t like it ten years ago and I didn’t like it last week. I say fuck this thing and check out Devil’s Rejects instead.
Oh yeah – my responsibility to The Good and Beloved Reader – what’s this about? Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) and three of his pals end up lost somewhere, get tortured and killed all to the rocking sounds of Zombie’s favorite songs, peace out. Let me say again – I like Zombie and two of his movies, and I think he would be the perfect director for the movie I’ll never finish the screenplay for (RH), but, to me, this and Halloween 2 were real pieces of shit. One TH for the fairly cool, slo-mo, three minute
video sequence at the one hour mark and one TH for the crew that did the set design and makeup but the rest of this can eat some shit. One last thing that I just thought of – to me – this is like the Anchorman of recent horror: “LOOKIT LOOKIT LOOKIT HOW OBNOXIOUS AND LOUD WE ARE LOOKIT LOOKIT I HAVE A BONER LOOKIT LOOKIT I ATE CAT POOP LOOKATME LOOKATME!!” in the manner of: “LOOKIT LOOKIT LOOKIT HOW OBNOXIOUS AND LOUD WE ARE LOOKIT LOOKIT I’M WEARING A SKIN SUIT LOOKIT LOOKIT WE’RE DRIBBLING FOOD ALL OVER OUR MOUTHS BECAUSE WE’RE SO REPULSIVE LOOKATME LOOKATME!!” Oh well, enough of this.