Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2014: WINTER ~ GETAWAY (2013)

SFWPOSTERB

BY:

JJAMESLOGO

SHITFEST 2014 SUBMISSION 

Getaway (2013)

I refuse to believe Director Courtney Solomon is this terrible a filmmaker. Instead, I will believe him the most brilliant scientist the world has ever known.

Because, in a scientific discovery unparalleled throughout history, Solomon must have mixed a freshly lain turd, eight moldy hamburger buns, three decayed pumpkins, five rotten apples, two rabbit carcasses and a sprinkling of cumin. Then, he must have miraculously converted the mashing process into a feature length motion picture.

Getaway Poster

First, I will lend my insight into the many conversations between Brent Magna (Ethan Hawke) and The Kid (Selena Gomez), almost all of them occurring in the comfort of The Kid’s recently stolen and newly pimped out Shelby Mustang, the very car Magna now is (mostly) involuntarily using to . . . well . . . that is only tangentially clear.

And also far less important than the dialogue. You see, an interesting side effect of Solomon’s experiment: none of the actors’ words ought be interpreted as characters speaking to one another. No. The words are mere clues to a sub-textual conversation between the actors themselves, one that plays on a constant loop and can only be understood by those with particular linguistic acumen.

JJAMES3

Fortunately, dear readers, I understand the dialogue’s subtext and have transcribed it here:

Hawke: Wait. Solomon, how much you paying me again?

Gomez: I’m not just a Disney princess. 

Hawke: Oh yeah. That’s not enough, really. But it’ll do. I guess.

Gomez: Did you hear me, Hawke?

Hawke: You know the best part?

Gomez: I’m not just a Disney princess.

Hawke: This shit is being released the same year as that Before thing I did with that French blonde chick.

Gomez: Goddamnit, Hawke. I’m trying to talk to you. I’m not just a fucking Disney princess. I can swear and shit.

Hawke: Which means this dung-heap won’t even hurt my reputation as a Serious     Actor. My timing is genius.

Gomez: I’m talking to you, mother-fucker. Are you listening?

Hawke: No. Do you know how little those Before movies paid me?

Gomez: I don’t fucking care, you douche bottle bitch. Just shut the fuck up.

Hawke: (Silence.)

Gomez: Shit. Asshole.

Hawke: Wait. Were we talking?

Gomez: Fuck. 

It is a painful conversation, sure. But it also lends particular insight into the actors’ performances, such as they are.

Plot introduction

Next, let’s consider the plot. In the loosest sense, Getaway has one. Magna, a former race car driver turned criminal turned reformed husband trying to live a decent life, comes home to find his wife, Leanne (Rebecca Budig), kidnapped by a psychopath, known only as The Voice (Jon Voight). The Voice wants Magna to drive a stolen car through some random Eastern European city, crashing into basically everything so as to attract law enforcement’s attention. Then, Magna must evade said police. If he doesn’t do exactly as the psychopath instructs, Leanne dies, something Magna (unlike the viewer) aims to prevent. The car belongs to The Kid, who accidentally, she thinks, happens upon it just as Magna is in the midst of following The Voice’s every instruction, one of which, suddenly, is to kill The Kid. No wait. Magna doesn’t want to kill her, so The Voice decides they can use her instead. But that’s probably because he doesn’t realize she’s a computer genius who will help Magna figure out The Voice’s plan (which, it turns out, is to rob her own father’s investment firm).

If that all sounds confusing, or cliché, or pointless, or Oh Who The Fuck Cares Anway . . . that’s because it is. Solomon’s science experiment is not about telling a story; it’s about seeing what happens when disgusting ingredients fuse together to create a shittastic whole.

Car crash

The result of which, it turns out, is a ninety-minute car chase rife with destruction and visual and auditory monotony. So much monotony, in fact, that all we want, the only thing in the entire world, is for it to end. Once we see the one-thousandth through-the-windshield look at Hawke and Gomez’s faces, the two-billionth collision, and the two-hundredth from the-hood-of-the-car’s-point-of-view-shot, we would be just as happy if some kind observer decided to gouge out our eyes. An occasional car chase can be exhilarating entertainment, but now we know, indubitably, that the ninety-minute version is unwatchably sucktastic.

Last Picture

Just like the rest of Getaway.

61 comments

  1. Tom

    hahah this is great James!! So funny. I have a feeling I have had a much better time reading people absolutely trash this thing rather than enduring it.

    I’m so very fortunate I managed to not see it in theaters, I was about to

    Like

  2. Those opening paragraphs…brilliant. Well done, Josh. From everything I hear, this is very, VERY worthy Shitfest material. And I love the “dialogue.” You really should break into the screenwriting world, my friend. You have a hit here. ;)

    Like

    • I have dabbled as a writer, but mostly short stories and novels. Something about screenwriting format has never appealed to me. Maybe I just suck at not describing things. :-)

      And thank you!

      Like

  3. I really really hate it when characters are called “The Kid”. Especially when it’s the main character. To me, it just negates the whole point of the movie altogether. Excellent review!

    Like

    • theipc

      I hate it when people call me “Chief”.

      “Hey, will you get that door for me, Chief?”

      “”Hey, got any Diet Cokes, there, Chief?”

      “Will you please remove your hand from my ass, Chief???”

      Like

      • Yeah, what’s the deal with that? I hate that too. You’re not a Native American, are you? Like 1/64th Ojibwa or something? No, of course you’re not!

        I talked to a guy on the phone today at work, someone I’ve never met before ever, and when he said goodbye he said: Well, take care Peaches! It felt super old timey and chauvinistic. But I kind of liked it.

        Like

      • theipc

        That’s fucking hilarious and I kind of love it!! Can I call you that in our interactions?? I will man it sarcastically and not in that 1950s bop your secretary way – promise!

        Like

      • You know, I hear that last question at least twice daily. It really is annoying – why can’t people just let me grab their ass? It’s not like its sexual or anything. :-)

        Like

    • In fairness, The Kid is the supporting player to Brent Magna. But the point still stands. It is lazy (and pointless) writing not to give her a proper name. So I’m with you. Just another reason to hate this damn movie. :-)

      Like

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