Isaacs Picture Conclusions

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A SHITFEST CHAMPION: WHEN CARA MET MIGUEL

OH YEAH.

I’M BACK.

What? Thought that just because Shitfest was over little ol’ Cara would slink back to Silver Screen Serenade and mind her own business? AW HELL NAH, BRO. Eric thought he could bribe me with a nice, shiny trophy. “Take this and never judo chop my security again!” he implored. So I didn’t.

I CLOTHESLINED THEIR ASSES INSTEAD.

But I did it because I wanted to let all you lovely people know how grateful and humbled I am that you chose my entry as your favorite. Seriously. Receiving that announcement from Eric could very well go down in history as my favorite blogging moment ever—hell, one of my favorite life moments ever. I was that excited. So thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. Mmmmwah! (Just so we’re clear, that was a kiss and not a judo chop.)

Anyway, I must give credit where credit is due: this post would not exist if it weren’t for Smash, who started what I think will become a brilliant tradition for all future Shitfest champions. After her riotous Rumpelstiltskin entry scooped up the trophy for Shitfest 2013: Fall, the lovely Miss Smash shared an epic post detailing her life as a champion (and you can read that here). Naturally, I had to follow suit. So here’s my story:

After jumping out of bed on a sunny Wednesday at the crack of noon (I work weird hours), I gleefully remembered that it was the very same day a special package was to arrive—a package from none other than Mr. The IPC “Sir-Probes-a-lot” himself. So I rushed down the stairs, flung open the door, and whaddaya know? This was awaiting me:

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Squeeeeee!

Upon opening this delightful package and wading through a sea of packing peanuts, I found a box with an envelope attached—an envelope with my name on it!

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So. Much. Excitement.

Inside this envelope was not only a very sweet handwritten note from Eric, but even some IPC swag!

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SWAG

And inside the box there was THIS:

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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never had my eyes beheld such beauty! Such perfection! Such roundness! I was in awe. And I realized: like all great pieces of art, this glorious object must be named. A name sprung from my lips. “Miguel!”

Initially, this name was supposed to represent a character from the film that inspired my Shitfest entry, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones. I later discovered that there are, in fact, no Miguels in the film. But whatever. It works for him.

Miguel and I became fast friends, and later that day, I took him to work with me!

Safety first!

Safety first!

Naturally, little Miguel was eager to get to work, so I let him borrow my name tag and help out here and there.

First day of work! I’m so proud! *sniffle*

First day of work! I’m so proud! *sniffle*

However, I then discovered that Miguel had been violently clubbing some of the creepy patrons who came on to him. Needless to say, I was displeased. So was security. They had to…ahem…intervene.

Note: Our security guards are a respectable bunch who would never, EVER use unnecessary force, so don't get the wrong idea. Miguel was just...out of control.

Note: Our security guards are a respectable bunch who would never, EVER use unnecessary force, so don’t get the wrong idea. Miguel was just…out of control.

I decided to let Miguel take a break while he recovered from the side effects of a vigorous tasing. I told him to go pick out a book and read for awhile. Unfortunately, I left and came back to find this:

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MIGUEL, NOOOO!!!

I tossed that book aside and told him to go find something more appropriate for his age in the children’s section. He was gone for some time, and I thought he was off having good, clean fun. However, I was later told that he spent this entire period running through the lobby, screaming obscenities, and talking enthusiastically to anyone who would listen about his “red room of pain.” He’s a very influential young trophy. His spastic ways and vivid imagination severely concerned another one of the officers on duty, who had no choice but to arrest him for drunk and disorderly behavior.

Poor, sweet Miguel!

Poor, sweet Miguel!

After posting his bail money and returning home, I decided that Miguel’s excessive energy needed to be spent elsewhere—like on the streets fighting crime. I must say, we make a pretty remarkable team.

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He doesn’t love his mask yet, but I think he’ll warm up to it.

However, I also want Miguel to embrace his creative side, so we’ve taken up arts and crafts. Our first project was recommended to us by Detective Rustin Cohle of HBO’s True Detective. We’re not very good at it yet, but we’re trying.

Cohle makes it look so easy…

Cohle makes it look so easy…

At least Miguel had fun!

He played with those beer cans all night.

He played with those beer cans all night.

But our activities haven’t stopped us from blogging! Miguel has quickly become my co-author. He has a surprisingly sharp editor’s eye!

Notice what he’s working on?

Notice what he’s working on?

I’ll tell you what, at the end of a busy day, there’s nothing more wonderful than slipping into bed, snuggling up to your freshly won trophy, and dreaming about the lifetime of adventures that await you.

Sweet dreams are made of trophies.

Sweet dreams are made of trophies.

So that’s what life is like here! I hope this post has assured you that I’m not wasting my champion status. I promise, little Miguel is living life to the fullest. What’s that, Miguel? Oh, okay. He’s telling me to add, “YOLO!” Truly, he is the Plato of his generation.

Thanks again, guys!! We <3 you!! LONG LIVE SHITFEST!!!!!!

SPRINGCARATHUMB

82 comments

  1. Congrats again, Cara! It really is fun to be a champion. And I’m so happy to have blazed the trail for a beloved new Shitfest tradition. Yayy you! And yayy me!
    Although, I did not get any such handwritten notes or IPC swag with my package. Just a bottle of lotion and some instructions about “it puts the lotion on its skin”. Should I be worried?

    Liked by 2 people

    • theipc

      SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!

      I totally thought about that when I sent this off. Let me know if you want me to send you some swag : )

      Also – has it been putting the lotion on it’s skin? It does what it’s told.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I always want swag. It’s like my single purpose in life: amass swag. But I am also terribly jealous of that handwritten note, too. I can’t be the only champion without one. All the other champions will make fun of me.

        Liked by 1 person

    • LOL. Smash, yes. Be very worried. Eric Isaacs knows your address. I had my package sent to a dummy address, where a government agent who wishes to remain anonymous scanned it for bombs and tested its toxicity. After it was cleared, I instructed the agent to drive around for 48 hours–just to make sure he wasn’t being followed. Only then did I let him come to my house and deliver the package. You can never be too careful…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Cara, the entrace to your doorway looks really happy and sunny. And that isn’t a euphemism for anything. I actually mean the picture of the parcel on your doorstep. It screams happy!

    And because of you we got to see the legend that is McConaughey at the top of this page! YES!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This is the most awesome thing I’ve ever read!! I’m so damn jealous!!! Why can’t I win a Shitfest!!! Well, at least I have Cumberbatch to come home to…oh god, what’s that picture at the bottom?! Cara, where did you get that?! Is Cucumberbatch cheating on moi!?

    P.S. Excellent work, both of you. Congrats Cara ;).

    Liked by 2 people

  4. NICE congrats Cara. Miguel is one crazy ass, perverted, wise guy. I heard he is going to be in Hangover 4, playing Mr. Chow’s sidekick.
    Eric you are the swag master… the master of swag…a pariah of swag and purveyor of swagtastic stuffffffffffffff.

    Liked by 2 people

    • The Hangover 4?! Oh no no no–Miguel is above all that nonsense. They made him and offer, but it wasn’t to his liking. Instead, he has accepted a role in Guardians of the Galaxy. He’ll be playing the Galaxy. Oscar-winning stuff. And yes. Eric is, in fact, a master of swag. His swag could sustain a small nation for years.

      Liked by 1 person

    • LOL! Well, for a little while he was seeing a paper weight, but then he found out she’d be fooling around with a whole set of margarita glasses. Poor little guy is still pretty emotional about it–he tears up every time he sees a commercial for a Mexican restaurant or an office supply store. But I can casually mention your name…

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Gary Lee

    That trophy is a tramp! It slept with Smash – and now Cara!? Next thing you know it will be crawling in the sack with Brian!!

    Congrats to Cara for winning!

    But Isaacs, I have a question as I’m a bit baffled…

    What’s the criteria to win shitfest? I was under the impression the votes go towards the worst movie – and if I remember correctly, Cara submitted “Paranormal Activity 5″ – and PA5 was way better than most of the other selections. I think the film you watched “Typhoid Mary” and the one Missy watched (I forgot the title), looked to be the worst of the bunch. Do votes go towards the writing of the entry, as well?

    I know not everyone liked PA5 and I gather Cara loathed it, but as far as execution, it’s far superior to a lot of other films submitted; it had some elements of “Chronicle” which was pretty effective and worked well; it was well-paced and there were actually a couple of creepy moments.

    I know shitfest is in fun, and not supposed to be taken very seriously, and if the voting goes towards other elements than the film alone, is fine; but I just hope people don’t believe PA5 was the worst movie submitted. I guarantee you would like PA5 far better than Typhoid Mary. And I am willing to bet Cara would, as well.

    And lastly, i love the pic of the trophy about to get tased; that little slut deserves it!

    Like

      • Gary Lee

        Oh okay, I went about this wrong b/c I was always under the impression the votes went towards the worst film. Good to know people were voting for the submission as a whole and not “PA5″ as “worst” film of shitfest b/c I was thrown when I first saw that.

        Like

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