Category Archives: One Top Hat

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 22: SUGAR BOXX (2009)

May 19, 2013 by theipc

Entry by: YOURS TRULY Emulating the “Women in Prison” exploitation from the 70′s, these guys have brought us Sugar Boxx – a movie about hookers hooking it up, getting thrown in jail, being abused, being made to turn tricks every Saturday – and their machete chopping revenge. This also comes complete with a score “Shaft” shat, whippings, abusive cops, abusive guards, the sadistic warden , delousing baths, a tickle fight, a muscle car, “hard core women who live like savages in […]

Categories: 2013, Grindhouse, HUH???, I'm Stupid, One Top Hat, SHITFEST 2013! • Tags: Boobs, female inmates, Geneviere Anderson, Isaacs Picture Conclusions, Pretty Stupid, prostitution ring, sadistic warden, SHITFEST 2013!, Sugar Boxx Movie Review, Thela Brown, This Movie Sucked, tits

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 5: FIVE ACROSS THE EYES (2006)

May 4, 2013 by theipc

Entry by: yours truly From the start, this movie was pretty irritating, then it got VERY irritating, then it kind of got decent and I was thinking that this could be a good movie if it was remade and shot differently, but then the last thirty minutes derailed into very needless, stupid violence that really made no sense whatsoever to anything and it was all I could do to finish it. Let’s see, the shaky cam was stupid, the musical […]

Categories: 2013, HUH???, I'm Stupid, Movie Reviews, Nothing, One Top Hat, SHITFEST 2013!, Very Gory • Tags: A Terrible Piece of Shit, AFTER ALL OF THAT... NO BOOBS, ANGELA BRUNDA, DANIELLE LILLEY, FIVE ACROSS THE EYES MOVIE REVIEW, JENNIFER BARNETT, MIA YI, MISERABLE, SANDRA PADUCH, SHITFEST 2013!, VERONICA GARCIA

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 4: LIVE ANIMALS (2008)

May 4, 2013 by theipc

Entry by: yours truly Should you decide to challenge yourself and view the heinousness that is LIVE ANIMALS, this is what you will subject yourself to: Bitterly poor acting that may even hurt your feelings it’s so awful Very curious sound dubbing that makes little sense and adds confusion to what’s happening I can’t find a picture of him but one of the main characters has what appears to be a scar on his face that, honestly, looks like a giant turd and seems […]

Categories: Hostages, HUH???, I'm Stupid, Nothing, One Top Hat, SHITFEST 2013!, Very Gory • Tags: JEANETTE COMANS, LITTLE TO NO BOOBS, LIVE ANIMALS 2008 MOVIE REVIEW, MONICA SUMMERFIELD, PAIN AND MISERY, PAULA ALLEN, POOR QUALITY DVD, SARAH EWELL, SHITFEST 2013!, SHITTY, STACY STILL, Terrible

THE THREE MINUTE REVIEW: STASH (2007) ONE TOP HAT

February 13, 2013 by theipc

I’ve been watching a lot of shit that Netflix has been shitting in my face recommending for me and normally I’ve been able to come out here and passive aggressively explain how I didn’t care for something – think ANNA’S EVE or CAMP SLAUGHTER – but this time I can’t. This movie was just fucking terrible and that’s all there is to it. Some dudes try to steal some guy’s weed, he catches them and instead of blowing their heads […]

Categories: 2013, Hostages, HUH???, I'm Stupid, Nothing, One Top Hat, Three Minute Review • Tags: An Affront to the Industry, Debbie Rochon, Hostages, Karen Boles, Murder!!, Nathan Day, One Top, Pointless Nudity, Stacey T. Gillespie, Stash 2007 Movie Review, Terrible, The Three Minute Review, Weed

THE WRONG TURN PENTOLOGY

February 6, 2013 by theipc

Howdy and welcome to another version of what I like to refer to as a “Population Sample” or – all of the movies of a franchise in one place. If you were eager to see some of the others I’ve done, to the left and under the beautiful header picture, there’s a link to the POPULATION SAMPLES page. Some of them are long reads but I would only LOVE IT if you’d check them out (looks like I need to […]

Categories: Cannibal Bastards, Nothing, One Top Hat, Population Sample, Three Top Hats, Two Top Hats • Tags: Aleksa Palladino, Ali Tataryn, Amy Lennox, Awful, Bloody Beginnings, Camilla Arfwedson, Cannibalism, Crystal Lowe, Daniella Alonso, Dean Armstrong, Desmond Harrington, Doug Bradley, Eliza Dushku, Emma Clifford, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Erica Leerhsen, Guts, Henry Rollins, Insane Asylum, Janet Montgomery, Jennifer Pudavick, Jeremy Sisto, Joe Lynch, Kaitlyn Leeb, Kevin Zegers, Kimberly Caldwell, let's not eat each other - ok??, Lindy Booth, Louise Cliffe, Rorelee Tio, Roxanne McKee, Samantha Kendrick, Simon Ginty, Steve Braun, Tenika Davis, Terra Vnesa, Texas Battle, Three Fingers, Three Toes, Tom Frederic, Victor Zinck Jr., Wayne Robson, West Virginia Hillbillies, Wrong Turn 2 Movie Review, Wrong Turn 3 Movie Review, Wrong Turn 4 Movie Review, Wrong Turn 5 Movie Review, Wrong Turn Movie Review

THE THREE MINUTE REVIEW: THE LAST RESORT (2009) ONE MOUSTACHE

January 22, 2013 by theipc

It’s been a long time since I’ve been SO UNINTERESTED in a movie that I felt like doing one of these. April 29th, 2012 to be exact… Anyway: In one word: TERRIBLE. In some more words: this was 100% boring and filled with horrible acting. At the one hour mark this gets pretty bloody and then it’s over. There’s nothing remotely provocative in here like the cover suggests and we get another showcase of America Olivio, who we last saw […]

Categories: Movie Reviews, One Top Hat, Three Minute Review, Nothing, I'm Stupid • Tags: America Olivio, Arianne Zucker, Bullshit, Give Me a Break, Horrible, Marissa Tait, Paulie Rojas, Sita Young, Stupid, The Last Resort 2009 Movie, The Three Minute Review

CAMP SLAUGHTER (2005) ONE TOP HAT

January 8, 2013 by theipc

Let’s go out on a limb and say that the concept behind this is, to me, a good idea: there’s a summer camp out there where everyone gets brutally slaughtered one night and then repeats itself over and over like GROUNDHOG DAY. Then I am going to gather you all back in and protect My Loved Ones with all of my power from this bastard of a movie because this thing was fucking terrible. This set the tone in the very first […]

Categories: I'm Stupid, Nothing, One Top Hat, Slasher • Tags: Anika C. McFall, Bethany Taylor, Camp Slaughter Movie Review, Jessica Sonneborn, Joanna Suhl, Matt Dallas, Misery, No Boobs, Slasher, Terrible

ISAACS EXCREMENT: MY TEN WORST MOVIES OF 2012

January 1, 2013 by theipc

For last year’s entries, please check them out HERE. Well – it’s that time of year again and everyone’s making Best Of and Worst Of lists and I want to chime in again, so here’s the list of my least favorite things I saw all year. My list(s) don’t necessarily mean they were released in 2012 – but that I saw them in 2012. I mean, I wasn’t doing this blogging thing back in 2004 so – why not warn […]

Categories: 2012, 70s, 90s, Found Footage, Hostages, I'm Stupid, Most Unclean, Nothing, One Top Hat, Very Gory • Tags: Bullshit, My Eyes My Fucking Eyes!, PAIN AND MISERY, Terrible

ANNA’S EVE (2004) ONE BITTER, BITTER TOP HAT

December 11, 2012 by theipc

What the fuck. I’ve been putting this movie off for so long because of that crappy poster and then I thought, well maybe it’s good like ABSENTIA was when it came with shitty cover art. I shouldn’t judge the book by the cover and all of that. Well – I’m here to report to you that this movie is bullshit from the start to the finish. I know that when someone like myself writes those words the question comes up: […]

Categories: I'm Stupid, Nothing, One Top Hat • Tags: A Terrible Piece of Shit, Anna's Eve Movie Review, Turrible, Why??

AMBER ALERT (2012) ONE TOP HAT

November 30, 2012 by theipc

My friend likes to call this a public service, this thing I do out here, especially when it comes to things I see that end up on the MOST UNCLEAN page. Money’s tough to come by these days and it’s thing like AMBER ALERT that can really piss a guy off. I mean, the poster looked cool and I even thought the trailer didn’t look too bad and then I sat here for an hour and some change watching and […]

Categories: 2012, I'm Stupid, Nothing, One Top Hat • Tags: Amber Alert 2012 Movie Review, Bullshit, Chris Hill, I Suck, Jasen Wade, Summer Bellessa, What The Fuck

LET’S SNEAK IN TO THE DRIVE – IN # 11: METAMORPHOSIS (1990) ONE TERRIBLE LEATHER JACKET

October 17, 2012 by theipc

In 1990 I graduated from high school, moved out from my mom’s house, grew my stringy hair out real long, moved in with my two buddies and bought one of these coats. I really did. I was so awesome. That jacket was so stiff we ran over it with my old Hyundai dozens of times. That’s right. I rocked a red Hyundai with my long stringy hair and a black leather jacket. I can’t believe I didn’t get The Sex […]

Categories: 90s, Drive - In, I'm Stupid, Nothing, One Top Hat • Tags: A Real Stinkfest, Anna Colona, Catherine Baranov, Drive In, Fucking Awful, Gene LeBrock, Harry Cason, Laura Gemser, Metamorphosis (1990) Movie Review, Stupid Plot

CLOSETS (2010) ONE MIDDLE FINGER

August 30, 2012 by theipc

I first heard about this “movie” over at my friend Cinema Schminema’s “FIRST FIVE” feature… It’s so funny because she couldn’t finish it and a couple of months later I was in the grocery store, checking out and saw they had some sort of new DVD bin and the first one I saw was that same 6 pack “DEADLY GAMES” with CLOSETS on it and, of course, I added it to my purchase. I don’t know if using the word […]

Categories: I'm Stupid, Nothing, One Top Hat • Tags: Closets Movie Review, Corbin Bernsen, Davina Joy, Ghost Demon Thing, Stupid Plot, Terrible, Terrible Acting, Terrible CGI

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (5): RAVE TO THE GRAVE (2005) ONE SHITTY TOP HAT

July 10, 2012 by theipc

Just when you thought it couldn’t ever get any worse for the series that started off with one of my favorite movies ever, here comes the poor, sad, terrible, mother fucker that is this horrible, horrible movie. I thought 4 was terrible and it had to get better because we all learn from our mistakes, right? Well, please take my word for it that this is a real piece of shit and this merits nothing and you will never benefit from seeing […]

Categories: I'm Stupid, One Top Hat, Population Sample, Zombies • Tags: Aimee-Lynn Chadwick, An Affront to the Industry, Cory Hardrict, Fucking Awful, Jenny Mollen, John Keefe, Pretty Stupid, Return of the Living Dead (5): Rave to the Grave Movie Review, Terrible

HELL RIDE (2008) ONE TOP HAT

July 3, 2012 by theipc

Sometimes I feel bad when I come across a movie I find pretty shitty – sometimes – because I feel like “they tried” to make something good but it didn’t work out for us, but then I run across something like this piece of shit that’s nothing but a vanity film for a handful of deuchebags who happen to have some money and an in with Hollywood. What the fuck is this terrible movie? This is the type of thing […]

Categories: I'm Stupid, One Top Hat • Tags: Bike Gangs, Dennis Hopper, Eric Balfour, Go Screw Yourself, Hell Ride Movie Review, Julia Jones, Larry Bishop, Laura Cayouette, Michael Madsen, Vinnie Jones

DON’T LET HIM IN (2011) ONE TOP HAT

June 29, 2012 by theipc

Here’s Part 2 of the big Double Feature today. I would feel terrible if I let anyone get sucked into this shithole for weekend movie night… I was a manager with direct reports for about ten years in this company I work for and it was never fun when we had to fire people. Unlike the restaurant I worked in for ever, where you could fire someone at will and threaten to beat their ass if they didn’t leave right the fuck now, letting […]

Categories: I'm Stupid, Nothing, One Top Hat, Slasher • Tags: Boresville, Don't Let Him In Movie Review, Pretty Sucky, Sam Hazeldine, Sophie Linfield, YAWWWWWWWWWWWNNNN

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (4) NECROPOLIS (2005) ONE TOP HAT

June 19, 2012 by theipc

In my quest to complete the entire Return of the Living Dead movies, I came face to face with an Evil Serpent coiled up in the weeds, hissing at me: this movie. How do I put this? Hmmm…. Hmmmmm….. this movie is a real piece of shit. All the way around. I have to admit that I knew that going in to doing this collection but I had hoped that maybe this was better than I remembered (whiskey). The answer […]

Categories: I'm Stupid, One Top Hat, Population Sample, Zombies • Tags: Aimee-Lynn Chadwick, Cory Hardrict, Jana Kramer, Misery, Peter Coyote, Return of the Living Dead 4 Movie Review, Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis Movie Review, Terrible, This Sucked, Trioxin

THE SINFUL DWARF (1973) ONE TOP HAT

June 15, 2012 by theipc

O M G This movie was awful. For reals. No lies. I thought I was ordering a Giallo when I beeredly queued this up and then when I got it I noticed it was some sort of Danish film (those crazy Danes) but I thought I’d give it a shot anyway. It’s not like I wish I could unsee it (like American Maniacs) and my eyes aren’t burning, but it was just not very good whatsoever. I mean – the sound was absolutely terrible […]

Categories: 70s, Grindhouse, I'm Stupid, One Top Hat • Tags: Anne Sparrow, Clara Keller, The Sinful Dwarf Movie Review, Tony Eades, Torben Bille

DIMPLES (2008) ONE TOP HAT

June 7, 2012 by theipc

Like I’ve said before, I appreciate it when a movie gets made and distributed and I wish everyone well and good fortunes and keep up the good work and all of that, but I have my opinions one way or another and I am sure people don’t like what I do here, but if we get right down to it, this movie bored the shit out of me for an hour and I’m sorry, guys, but I didn’t find anything […]

Categories: I'm Stupid, One Top Hat • Tags: Ashley Peldon, Boresville, Dimples (2008) Movie Review, Gabrielle Carteris, Madeline Zima, Michael McMillian, Not Very Exciting, Randy Spelling, Tasha Taylor, Turrible

THE LEGEND OF SORROW CREEK (2007) ONE TOP HAT

March 27, 2012 by theipc

I always find it fun to dog a piece of shit movie for being a piece of shit, especially when it is very evident that the film makers didn’t give a piece of shit for what they were putting out. I don’t enjoy it so much when the end product appears to have been, I don’t know, given a good college try but, the very low budget, home movie-ish “Sorrow Creek” just didn’t come across as any good to me. […]

Categories: One Top Hat • Tags: Christina Caron, Michelle Caron, Not Very Exciting, One Top Hat, The Legend of Sorrow Creek Movie Review

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SEE JANE RUN (2007) ONE TOP HAT

March 5, 2012 by theipc

Since taking up this hobby, I discovered that it can be pretty easy (and fun) to shamelessly pan a movie for being stupid and sucky and not worth a shit and wonder if they even tried – did these people really get together and use their human sense of creativity to try and make a good movie? Did they think it through and diagram it out and work on it really faithfully and put forward what they believed was “value”? […]

Categories: One Top Hat • Tags: Boobs, Cannibalism, Isaacs Picture Conclusions, Jennifer Clary, Not Very Exciting, See Jane Run (2007) Movie Review

DEVILS RACECOURSE (2009) ONE TOP HAT

February 2, 2012 by theipc

With a name like Devils Racecourse, this has to be good right? 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BEEP – the correct answer is no. This movie was boring from start to finish, made little sense, it seemed like there was thirty minutes worth of just shots of people’s feet walking around in the leaves, the dialogue was awful, the acting just as bad and the “neato” twist they tried at the the end didn’t even make any sense – it […]

Categories: One Top Hat • Tags: Ashley Nicole Anderson, Awful, Boobs, Devils Racecourse Movie Review, Isaacs Picture Conclusions, Katie Foster, Not Very Exciting

ISAACS EXCREMENT: MY TEN WORST MOVIES OF 2011

January 16, 2012 by theipc

I was inspired by another movie reviewer, who put out his favorite Top Ten Movies of 2011, and, since I am relatively new to all of this, I wanted to do something similar, but not copy, so the two of us here at the IPC thought that we’d put out our “Ten Worst of 2011″. Since we are not some syndicate, we didn’t see every single movie put out in 2011, but I looked through 800 of the 8,134 listed […]

Categories: Found Footage, Movie Reviews, One Top Hat, Thriller, Two Top Hats, Uncategorized • Tags: Bad Teacher, Clash of the Titans (Remake), conan the barbarian, Conan the Barbarian 2011, Hillary Swank, Isaacs Picture Conclusions, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Megan is Missing, Occupant, Quarantine 2. POTC. On Stranger Tides, The Dilemma, The Last Exorcism, The Resident, These Movies Sucked, Thumbs Down, Top Ten List of Worst Movies

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SUGAR BOXX (2009) ONE TOP HAT

December 22, 2011 by theipc

Emulating the “Women in Prison” exploitation from the 70′s, these guys have brought us Sugar Boxx – a movie about hookers hooking it up, getting thrown in jail, being abused, being made to turn tricks every Saturday – and their machete chopping revenge. This also comes complete with a score “Shaft” gave birth too, whippings, abusive cops, abusive guards, the sadistic warden , delousing baths, a tickle fight, a muscle car, “hard core women who live like savages in the jungle”, […]

Categories: Grindhouse, One Top Hat • Tags: female inmates, Geneviere Anderson, Isaacs Picture Conclusions, Pretty Stupid, prostitution ring, sadistic warden, Sugar Boxx Movie Review, Thela Brown, This Movie Sucked

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NOWHERESVILLE (2011) ONE TOP HAT

December 5, 2011 by theipc

I guess this is one of those movies that gets the one top hat rating but doesn’t go to the Most Unclean list. I guess someone might like this, but I sure didn’t. I realize that it is difficult to make a decent movie where everything takes place in one or two rooms (like this one) but this has to be one of the most boring movies that I have sat through in ages. I dipped into the “Thriller” queue […]

Categories: Movie Reviews, One Top Hat • Tags: Boresville, Movie Review, Nowheresville Movie Review, Sharina Martin; Isaacs Picture Conclusions

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Isaacs Picture Conclusions

An Honest Review from an Honest Guy (who doesn't take things too seriously)

Category Archives: One Top Hat

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 22: SUGAR BOXX (2009)

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 5: FIVE ACROSS THE EYES (2006)

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 4: LIVE ANIMALS (2008)

THE THREE MINUTE REVIEW: STASH (2007) ONE TOP HAT

THE WRONG TURN PENTOLOGY

THE THREE MINUTE REVIEW: THE LAST RESORT (2009) ONE MOUSTACHE

CAMP SLAUGHTER (2005) ONE TOP HAT

ISAACS EXCREMENT: MY TEN WORST MOVIES OF 2012

ANNA’S EVE (2004) ONE BITTER, BITTER TOP HAT

AMBER ALERT (2012) ONE TOP HAT

LET’S SNEAK IN TO THE DRIVE – IN # 11: METAMORPHOSIS (1990) ONE TERRIBLE LEATHER JACKET

CLOSETS (2010) ONE MIDDLE FINGER

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (5): RAVE TO THE GRAVE (2005) ONE SHITTY TOP HAT

HELL RIDE (2008) ONE TOP HAT

DON’T LET HIM IN (2011) ONE TOP HAT

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (4) NECROPOLIS (2005) ONE TOP HAT

THE SINFUL DWARF (1973) ONE TOP HAT

DIMPLES (2008) ONE TOP HAT

THE LEGEND OF SORROW CREEK (2007) ONE TOP HAT

SEE JANE RUN (2007) ONE TOP HAT

DEVILS RACECOURSE (2009) ONE TOP HAT

ISAACS EXCREMENT: MY TEN WORST MOVIES OF 2011

SUGAR BOXX (2009) ONE TOP HAT

NOWHERESVILLE (2011) ONE TOP HAT

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