Archives

GUT (2012) TWO TOP HATS

November 2, 2012 by theipc

I really do hate to dog on a movie – especially when I think that they tried – but… I was really excited when I found a movie called GUT on iTunes. GUT??? GUT!!! It might just be my brain – such as it is – that when I see a movie called GUT I get really excited for some gnarly fun! Well, GUT is anything BUT. GUT is boring. GUT made little sense. GUT had irritating music throbbing almost the entire time. I […]

Categories: 2012, Nothing, Thriller, Two Top Hats • Tags: Angie Bullaro, Gut 2012 Movie Review, Jason Vail, Leisa Haddad, Misty Gonzalez, Nicholas Wilder, Not Very Exciting, Not Very Good, Sarah Schoofs, Unfun Boobs

CREEP (2004) TWO TOP HATS

October 23, 2012 by theipc

I watched this about seven or eight years ago I guess and I don’t remember really liking it too much. But that was seven or eight years and 2000 movies ago, so I thought I’d give it another shot. When I clicked add on NetFlix, I think I was thinking this was MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN with Franka Potente but that is actually a different movie and stars Bradley Cooper before he was “Mr. Abs Universe”. It’s been a long time […]

Categories: Three Top Hats, Very Gory • Tags: Christopher Smith, Creep 2004 Movie Review, Franka Potente, Jeremy Sheffield, Joe Anderson, Kathryn Gilfeather, Kelly Scott, Not Very Exciting, Pretty Bloody, Underground Sewer Person, Vas Blackwood

THE HIKE (2012) THREE TOP HATS

October 19, 2012 by theipc

You know, The Good and Beloved and Most Appreciated Readers – this movie started off really good – I mean – pretty fucking excellent… but after the opening credits rolled it got a little boring… and then it just descended into violence against women and some almost raping and a little potential necrophilia and that’s just not my bag. I don’t know sometimes… this had a lot going for it and then it devolved into the darkness and never really […]

Categories: 2012, Slasher, Three Top Hats • Tags: Barbara Nedeljakova, Ben Loyd-Holmes, Daniel Caren, Dominic Le Moignan, Jemma Bolt, Lisa-Marie Long, Natalie Hughes, Not Very Exciting, Shauna Macdonald, Stephanie Siadatan, The Hike 2012 Movie Review, Zara Phythian

PLAYING HOUSE (2010) TWO TOP HATS

September 4, 2012 by theipc

Since I’ve been doing this, I’ve taken lots of chances on movies I have never heard or seen anything about, usually independent or straight to streaming stuff, and a couple of times we’ve gotten really lucky with low budget who-the-what-thes like AMBER LAKE or SAUNA or FROZEN or even WILDERNESS SURVIVAL FOR GIRLS but mostly we end up with things like DIMPLES or NEIGHBOR or SIREN. And I want to report everything I see back to The Good and Curious Reader […]

Categories: Nothing, Two Top Hats • Tags: Alex Dorman, Craig Welzbacher, Mari E. Ferguson, Matt Lusk, Mayra Leal, Not Very Exciting, Not Very Good, Playing House 2010 Movie Review, Sarah Prikryl, Shelley Calene-Black

GIALLORAMA! COLD EYES OF FEAR (1971) TWO TOP HATS

July 30, 2012 by theipc

Well hmmm… When I put this thing in, understanding that this was made in 1971, I was surprised that the first thing to come on screen was a modern video of a goth looking vampire woman fondling some enormous, naked boobs from behind and biting the poor girl’s neck. Then, the girl is writhing on some slab and the vampire is under her letting her blood drip in her mouth and then the words REDEMPTION PRESENTS grace the screen and […]

Categories: 70s, Giallo, Grindhouse, Two Top Hats • Tags: 1970s, Cold Eyes of Fear Movie Review, Frank Wolff, Giovanna Ralli, Italian Giallo, Karin Schubert, Lots of Yelling, Not Very Bloody, Not Very Exciting

Leave a comment

LET’S SNEAK IN TO THE DRIVE – IN # 7: NAKED MASSACRE (1976) TWO PINTOS

July 25, 2012 by theipc

I kind of struggled with how to go about this particular write up since I liked the previous efforts in this Drive – In series and had fun thinking up 70s memorabilia, but I didn’t care too much for Naked Massacre and wanted to come up with something from the 70s that I didn’t like. I don’t really remember Pintos so much (my first car was a ’77 Buick Century {damn you K.C. for ruining my ride!!!!!!}) but I remember […]

Categories: 70s, Drive - In, Grindhouse, I'm Stupid, Slasher • Tags: Boresville, Born For Hell Movie Review, Carole Laure, Christine Boisson, Debra Berger, Drive In, Ely Galleani, Leonora Fani, Mathieu Carrière, Naked Massacre Movie Review, Not Very Exciting, Old Boobs

GIALLORAMA! BLOOD AND BLACK LACE (1964) THREE TOP HATS

July 6, 2012 by theipc

HMMMMMMMMM…. so I ordered this up in the way that I do things, bored and full of beer, and when I got it I showed it to Mary and she said something like “OOOOO the 60s!!” and I thought “uh oh…”. I don’t have anything against the 60s except for fashion in general but, when it comes to movies and shit from that period, I can never really get into them, mostly because of the noises (sound effects and the […]

Categories: 60s, Giallo, Grindhouse, Three Top Hats • Tags: Ariana Gorini, Blood and Black Lace Movie Review, Cameron Mitchell, Dante DiPaolo, Eva Bartok, Francesca Ungaro, Italian Giallo, Lea Lander, Mario Bava, Not Very Bloody, Not Very Exciting

GIALLORAMA! SHORT NIGHT OF GLASS DOLLS (1971) THREE TOP HATS

June 29, 2012 by theipc

Now that I have gotten older, I am not likely to take risks like I used to (jumping off a cliff into the ocean, climbing the old, haunted, abandoned water plant smokestack and sitting on the rim drinking beer, going into the old, haunted, abandoned hospital morgue, etc., etc.) but I have to take a couple of risks this weekend so, if I don’t make it back (lol) I am warning threatening advising early that I am putting out a couple of […]

Categories: 70s, Giallo, Grindhouse, Three Top Hats • Tags: Barbara Bach, Ingrid Thulin, Italian Giallo, Jean Sorel, Mario Adorf, Not Very Exciting, Short Night of Glass Dolls Movie Review

DIMPLES (2008) ONE TOP HAT

June 7, 2012 by theipc

Like I’ve said before, I appreciate it when a movie gets made and distributed and I wish everyone well and good fortunes and keep up the good work and all of that, but I have my opinions one way or another and I am sure people don’t like what I do here, but if we get right down to it, this movie bored the shit out of me for an hour and I’m sorry, guys, but I didn’t find anything […]

Categories: I'm Stupid, One Top Hat • Tags: Ashley Peldon, Boresville, Dimples (2008) Movie Review, Gabrielle Carteris, Madeline Zima, Michael McMillian, Not Very Exciting, Randy Spelling, Tasha Taylor, Turrible

388 ARLETTA AVENUE (2011) TWO TOP HATS

May 17, 2012 by theipc

WTF is this boring piece of shit?? I like Stahl but Ben Hawkins can’t seriously be considered to handle the entire movie by himself should I interview myself about this l shouldn’t have eaten that whole jar of pickles So, yeah. The other day iTunes dumped a bunch of new horror and thriller movies out there – I mean more than they have in months – and I’m saving We Need to Talk About Kevin and The Grey for the big screen […]

Categories: 2012, Found Footage, Hostages, Thriller, Two Top Hats • Tags: 388 Arletta Avenue, Devon Sawa, Found Footage, Mia Kirschner, Nick Stahl, Not Very Exciting

HARD CANDY (2005) TWO TOP HATS

May 14, 2012 by theipc

Have you heard about this movie? The one where Patrick Wilson gets his balls cut off by Juno Ellen Page? Do you remember watching this seven years ago and forgetting how fucking boring this is? Do you remember starting to write about the movies you’ve seen and watched this again because you like what Wilson did in Watchmen and Little Children? Are you astounded that this has an over 7 out of 10 rating on IMDB from 70,000 something people because it […]

Categories: Hostages, Two Top Hats • Tags: Boresville, Ellen Page, Hard Candy Movie Review, Not Very Exciting, Patrick Wilson, YAWWWWWWWWWWWNNNN

THE THREE MINUTE REVIEW – THE DARKEST HOUR (2011) 2 MOUSTACHES

April 29, 2012 by theipc

(It’s been awhile since I did one of these three minute things…) I saw the trailer for this when I went and saw Paranormal Activity 3 at the movie theater and I thought this looked good then, especially when you include these words: “Timur Bekmambetov”. At the time I thought this would be some good “sci-fi-alien-invasion-horror” ala Night Watch meets District 9 but after the first 30 minutes I was pretty bored. It’s well-known I can get bored and distracted pretty […]

Categories: Three Minute Review, Two Top Hats • Tags: Alien Invasion, Emile HIrsch, In the Wave Lies the Secret of Creation (Energy), Not Very Exciting, Olivia Thirlby, Rachael Taylor, The Darkest Hour Movie Review, The Three Minute Review, Timur Bekmambetov

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD PART 2 (1988) TWO TOP HATS

April 23, 2012 by theipc

Well – this movie wasn’t too good but I watched it anyway, to get it on the list. If you’re interested, you could check it out here or on the ROTLD page up above. It’s basically the exact same story as the first one using two of the same actors in the same role as before, even using some of the same lines. While I thought the music used in the first was fucking awesome, I hated the score in […]

Categories: 80s, Two Top Hats, Zombies • Tags: James Karen, Marsha Dietlein, Not Very Exciting, Return of the Living Dead Part 2 Movie Review, Thom Matthews, Trioxin, Zombies

Leave a comment

ATM (2012) TWO TOP HATS

April 9, 2012 by theipc

I put off renting this movie for a few weeks since I saw it pop up on iTunes because, honestly, I didn’t want to spend the “pre-theatrical release” rental fee for a movie about three people trapped in an enclosed ATM kiosk with someone out there silently threatening to kill them. I thought the trailer looked decent enough but I just didn’t feel like justifying the dough for a movie about three people trapped in an ATM structure. With some […]

Categories: 2012, Hostages, Two Top Hats • Tags: Alice Eve, ATM Movie Review, Brian Geraghty, Josh Peck, Not Very Exciting, Pretty Stupid

Leave a comment

THE LEGEND OF SORROW CREEK (2007) ONE TOP HAT

March 27, 2012 by theipc

I always find it fun to dog a piece of shit movie for being a piece of shit, especially when it is very evident that the film makers didn’t give a piece of shit for what they were putting out. I don’t enjoy it so much when the end product appears to have been, I don’t know, given a good college try but, the very low budget, home movie-ish “Sorrow Creek” just didn’t come across as any good to me. […]

Categories: One Top Hat • Tags: Christina Caron, Michelle Caron, Not Very Exciting, One Top Hat, The Legend of Sorrow Creek Movie Review

Leave a comment

SEE JANE RUN (2007) ONE TOP HAT

March 5, 2012 by theipc

Since taking up this hobby, I discovered that it can be pretty easy (and fun) to shamelessly pan a movie for being stupid and sucky and not worth a shit and wonder if they even tried – did these people really get together and use their human sense of creativity to try and make a good movie? Did they think it through and diagram it out and work on it really faithfully and put forward what they believed was “value”? […]

Categories: One Top Hat • Tags: Boobs, Cannibalism, Isaacs Picture Conclusions, Jennifer Clary, Not Very Exciting, See Jane Run (2007) Movie Review

DREAM HOUSE (2011) TWO TOP HATS

February 4, 2012 by theipc

For those of you who look at my ramblings, you know that I can get easily suckered hooked by a movie trailer or even the poster and, believe me, that’s what we have here. Here’s a quick back story – last year I watched Robert Redford’s “The Conspirator” and the entire time I was thinking – “This is made by Robert Redford??” It was completely and totally boring and looked and felt like an ’80s made-for-after-school TV show. The Dream […]

Categories: Movie Reviews, Two Top Hats • Tags: Boresville, Daniel Craig, Dream House movie review, Elias Koteas, Isaacs Picture Conclusions, Naomi Watts, Not Very Exciting, Pass, Rachel Weisz

Leave a comment

DEVILS RACECOURSE (2009) ONE TOP HAT

February 2, 2012 by theipc

With a name like Devils Racecourse, this has to be good right? 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BEEP – the correct answer is no. This movie was boring from start to finish, made little sense, it seemed like there was thirty minutes worth of just shots of people’s feet walking around in the leaves, the dialogue was awful, the acting just as bad and the “neato” twist they tried at the the end didn’t even make any sense – it […]

Categories: One Top Hat • Tags: Ashley Nicole Anderson, Awful, Boobs, Devils Racecourse Movie Review, Isaacs Picture Conclusions, Katie Foster, Not Very Exciting

THE OREGONIAN (2012) TWO TOP HATS

January 18, 2012 by theipc

This movie is something else – and not, to me, in a good way. The first ten minutes of this thing were so agonizingly loud and irritating I almost had to stop it twice and put this on the Most Unclean list. But I kept on, to try and get my money’s worth, but I really wish I hadn’t. The trailer made this look like a kind of cool, weird movie like Strange Girls which I really liked, but this […]

Categories: 2012, Movie Reviews, Two Top Hats • Tags: Extremely Loud and Irritating, Isaacs Picture Conclusions, Lindsay Pulsipher, Not Very Exciting, Pass, Screeching, The Oregonian Movie Review

Leave a comment

OCCUPANT (2011) TWO TOP HATS

January 6, 2012 by theipc

This will contain spoilers if you’re interested in this. My personality dictated that I needed a full “set” for the movie index, so I needed an “O” film out there; I opted for this over the Nicole Kidman “The Others” since I haven’t seen this (or even heard about it) and it was new. I probably should have gone with that one (even though it’s a total rip-off of “The Sixth Sense”) because Occupant is nothing but a series of […]

Categories: Movie Reviews, Two Top Hats • Tags: Cody Horn, Isaacs Picture Conclusions, Not Very Exciting, Occupant Movie Review, Van Hansis, WTF

MONSTERS (2010) THREE TOP HATS

August 21, 2011 by theipc

Monsters – The poster depicts two folks in gas masks walking away from some smoking devastation, with two fighter aircraft in the background and a sign reading “INFECTED ZONE”, with the tag line ‘NOW, IT’S OUT TURN TO ADAPT.” The “Log Line” (which is the blurb you write that goes on the back of the DVD cover) reads: “”Six years after Earth has suffered an alien invasion a cynical journalist agrees to escort a shaken American tourist through an infected […]

Categories: Movie Reviews, Three Top Hats • Tags: Aliens, Horror Movie, Monsters Movie, Movie Review, Not Very Exciting

Leave a comment

YELLOWBRICKROAD (2010) TWO TOP HATS

August 20, 2011 by theipc

This movie gets a big WTF. Billed as a horror movie, the trailer really made this look good, but as usual I have to remember that there’s a reason this didn’t make it to the movie theater and remember that “Frozen” style lightning strikes very rarely. The opening credits and the first thirty minutes of “yellowbrickroad” are pretty good, even offering a very gruesome and surprisingly fresh death scene. But from there, for real, the next HOUR is SO BORING […]

Categories: Movie Reviews, Two Top Hats • Tags: Horror Movie, Isaacs Picture Conclusions, Movie Review, Not Very Exciting, Yellowbrickroad

Leave a comment

Isaacs Picture Conclusions

An Honest Review from an Honest Guy (who doesn't take things too seriously)

Archives

GUT (2012) TWO TOP HATS

CREEP (2004) TWO TOP HATS

THE HIKE (2012) THREE TOP HATS

PLAYING HOUSE (2010) TWO TOP HATS

GIALLORAMA! COLD EYES OF FEAR (1971) TWO TOP HATS

LET’S SNEAK IN TO THE DRIVE – IN # 7: NAKED MASSACRE (1976) TWO PINTOS

GIALLORAMA! BLOOD AND BLACK LACE (1964) THREE TOP HATS

GIALLORAMA! SHORT NIGHT OF GLASS DOLLS (1971) THREE TOP HATS

DIMPLES (2008) ONE TOP HAT

388 ARLETTA AVENUE (2011) TWO TOP HATS

HARD CANDY (2005) TWO TOP HATS

THE THREE MINUTE REVIEW – THE DARKEST HOUR (2011) 2 MOUSTACHES

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD PART 2 (1988) TWO TOP HATS

ATM (2012) TWO TOP HATS

THE LEGEND OF SORROW CREEK (2007) ONE TOP HAT

SEE JANE RUN (2007) ONE TOP HAT

DREAM HOUSE (2011) TWO TOP HATS

DEVILS RACECOURSE (2009) ONE TOP HAT

THE OREGONIAN (2012) TWO TOP HATS

OCCUPANT (2011) TWO TOP HATS

MONSTERS (2010) THREE TOP HATS

YELLOWBRICKROAD (2010) TWO TOP HATS

Follow “Isaacs Picture Conclusions”