Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HARD CANDY (2005) TWO TOP HATS

Have you heard about this movie? The one where Patrick Wilson gets his balls cut off by Juno Ellen Page? Do you remember watching this seven years ago and forgetting how fucking boring this is? Do you remember starting to write about the movies you’ve seen and watched this again because you like what Wilson did in Watchmen and Little Children? Are you astounded that this has an over 7 out of 10 rating on IMDB from 70,000 something people because it is so intense and frightening when all it really is listening to Page talk for an hour and forty minutes? Do you find it hard to believe that the tiniest girl on the planet is able to heft a grown and passed out man into a chair or up onto a table or hang him from a rafter around the neck? Do you like constant dialogue? Well I didn’t like any of it and I can’t believe how boring this was and I couldn’t wait for it to be over but I guess it looked real nice and Wilson did a good job but all I wanted the entire time was for her to christshutyourfuckingyapalreadykidforfuckssake!!

So, yawn, Patrick Wilson preys on young girls by accessing chat rooms and such over the internet and sets up a date with Page at some deli and they start talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and then they head to his house where he says he has some sort of illegally burned album and they keep talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and they have some drinks and do some talking and talking and then Wilson passes out. He wakes to find himself bound to a chair while Page wheels him around his house talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking until she finds his hidden stash of kiddie pics.

She hits him with a taser and he passes out again and wakes up on a steel table he has in his house and he’s bound again and she talks incessantly and cuts his nuts off and runs them down the garbage disposal. That’s probably where I’ll stop since there’s a little bit more to it after that but it’s all talk and no bite. If you like it you like but I sure didn’t. I can take a lot of dialogue (think: Deathproof) but I need some action to back it up. This was boring and boring and not whatsoever “absolutely terrifying!!!!” and not my cup of tea, peace out.

12 comments

  1. I didn’t like this one either, thought the hype was a case of the emperor’s new clothes. Maybe the guys who were terrified were just seeing themselves in Wilson’s character? I don’t know, but what a disappointment.

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    • theipc

      we totally agree! Come to think of it, I think those were a bunch of reviews by men on the DVD cover who said it was scary and intense…

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  2. *giggles* This would be another good one for he said/she said. I personally love this movie. It’s not terrifying in any traditional sense but it’s just thrilling and disturbing the way Ellen Page fucks with that guy’s head. Getting someone to do, well, what happens at the end, without really having any substantial proof is pretty awesome (in a psychotic way). I took this movie as a lesson in anyone can be a predator.

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    • theipc

      well – I wish I could say the same but I was just too bored and irritated the whole time – but oh well. Hey thanks for the like on TGOGTSBPOOBO! 🙂

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  3. GaryLee828

    This is my 3rd favorite movie; only behind Dumb & Dumber and Sling Blade as my top 2. The dialogue and conversations have a purpose; it’s very intense build-up. It’s a psychological thriller. This is a mystery. Was he or wasn’t he guilty? Was Haley crazy? Was she good or bad? Was Wilson’s character good or bad? The two characters were complex and it was hard to figure the villain from the hero. I am a man and as a man I say Wilson’s character was the one in the wrong and he had no business meeting a 14 year old from the internet in the first place, and you could tell he was a pervert by the way he rubbed the icing from Haley’s mouth when he first met her. Patrick Wilson was incredibly creepy in this role, but at the same time still maintained a vulnerability that made him sympathetic to some audience members. I think Page was excellent in this role and it was this role that should have landed her an Oscar nomination opposed to Juno. Yes, there was a lot of dialogue, but it all had a purpose. The dialogue was all very deliberate and well-written, even the seemingly small-talk. I can’t recall a single vain word spoken throughout the entire film. Every word held weight and had meaning. This is one of the edgiest films you will find; it pushes boundaries, and proves to be a very uncomfortable watch for a lot of people – but I think it’s a positive film and hopefully many young girls watch it and know to look out for guys like this in chat rooms.

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