Isaacs Picture Conclusions

388 ARLETTA AVENUE (2011) TWO TOP HATS

WTF is this boring piece of shit??

I like Stahl but Ben Hawkins can’t seriously be considered to handle the entire movie by himself

should I interview myself about this

l shouldn’t have eaten that whole jar of pickles

So, yeah.  The other day iTunes dumped a bunch of new horror and thriller movies out there – I mean more than they have in months – and I’m saving We Need to Talk About Kevin and The Grey for the big screen so I picked this movie over something else due to the title alone and I guess I had no expectations so I can’t say this was disappointing but it sure was boring. The found footage shtick doesn’t bother me like it bothers everyone else – I just want to see something entertaining and this was not that. I mean, I do like Nick Stahl but he doesn’t have a lot of range by any means and he’s basically the only character in this so…

I don’t foresee this being my typical long winded review since there’s not much to go on so I’ll just get right at it. We start off with someone filming Stahl and his wife Amy (Mia Kirshner) in and out of their house: 388 Arletta Avenue. Here’s a quick spoiler non spoiler: why is he doing this? No one will ever know.  Anyway, soon this mystery person has somehow affixed recording devices everywhere and we get to watch through these lenses how Amy is kidnapped and Stahl goes nuts trying to figure out what’s going on. And when I say everywhere I mean everywhere. All over the house, the basement, inside Amy’s alarm clock, three or four places on his car, inside his work computer, somewhere behind him at his desk (??), behind his headlights, up his nose, etc…j/k on that last one. I like what they did with the creative camera angles and we didn’t get some shitty shaky cam – but really? In his work computer?

Amy goes missing one minute after a fight and Stahl can’t figure out what’s going on – is it the now grown up kid he used to bully back when they were in school (Devin Sawa as Bill). Is it one of her grad students? Is it the chick he seems to have diddled in his office? Is it the guy smoking cigarettes by that van? Is it Amy’s sister? Is it Amy’s sister’s husband? is it the cat? Is it the guy at work who is always washing his face in the sink? Is it the hideous and disgusting Butt Person who Deep Red Rum posted a picture of this morning? Is it the lady across the hall (not Mary) who constantly opens and closes her door all day? Is it the convenience store clerk who was obviously still drunk when I stopped in this morning? Is it John the Aussie? Is it the person who gave the OK for these delicious BLT flavored Lay’s to be produced? Is it the guy who gave me my shot in my back? Is it Bruce? Is it Burgraff? Is it the air conditioner repair guy who claims he used to “Russian Dance”? Is it the guy who played Scrooloose in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome? Is it N.P.H.? Is it one of those people who are on the patio practicing for their karaoke routine of The Right Stuff? Is it Chris’ ex-wife? Is it Mary’s plumber? Is it Steven Moffat? Is it that giant of a lady who worked at the gas station that used to flirt with me constantly? Is it the guy from the rural telephone company who won’t call me back? Is it The Tile Doctor?

Well – if you watch this you’ll never know and you’ll never know why any of this is happening but you do get to see Nick Stahl’s face – a LOT. I will say that, one good thing about this, is the song they play over the credits. BTW – it’s this guy:

6 comments

  1. The Tile Doctor

    Yep – it was me – and if you ever need any tile for your bathroom or kitchen or swimming pool or office patio or van Parking pad or hallway – let me know – The Dr is in!!

    Like

    • theipc

      I wish I could say the same but, I don’t know, i guess it didn’t captivate me for very long and I there was too much Stahl in my face for my taste… thanks for reading!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: