So I guess it’s been two years since I have been doing these things – should I apologize to The Good and Beloved and Appreciated Reader? Well… I hope apologies aren’t needed here. A couple of you might remember that I went to see the Piranha (3D) remake in the theater and I liked it so much the wife convinced me to write about it on our old website and here we are today. When 3D came out it made a lot of money and made a lot of people happy so they announced a follow up pretty quickly and that was very exciting news! Before too long after that they announced that the director would be John Gulager, the genius behind the first Feast film and the guy who took a shit on all of his fans with the two sequels. If you were interested in my very long winded thoughts on that trilogy, you could read about them here.
I guess I had my hopes set too high that this would be a good return to a silly movie about a bunch of fish eating everyone, complete with tons of boobs (and that is what we get) but we also get:
REALLY??? A piranha up the chick from 30 Rock’s WHAT! that swims around for a while and then bites on to this dude’s weenus while they’re doing it since “she doesn’t want to die a virgin”. Really? Then he scrambles around the room screaming and they show his sack with a fish on the end of his doo-dad so he cuts everything off with a butcher knife. Really?? A fish up a butthole?? A guy having sex with the pool jets?? Twice?? The Hoff doing a song and dance?? Gary Busey? A fish up in her business?? Gulager please. I totally appreciate the intent to be campy and over the top and gory and gross out and WTF but this really felt strained and “contrived” and… kind of stupid.
You know, I was giving this some more thought a day or so after I wrote those words above and I think this is what got to me about this movie: (don’t boo) I don’t like shit like Will Ferrell’s schtick, or Danny McBride’s or David Koechner’s (who’s in this btw) and I guess I can take a little Seth Rogen but I think it all boils down to – I can’t stand obnoxious bullshit and that’s the way i interpreted this – Gulager and his pals shouting and yelling and running around pulling out their dicks and saying “LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT US!! WE’RE CRAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZEEEEEEE!!!! WE BREAK RULES!!!! LIKE US LIKE US LIKE US!!! LOOK IT’S MY WEINER AREN’T I CRAZY???!!!” And that’s my problem with this. I want to like you because you add value not because you try and make me. So, yeah, I was really disappointed here – but maybe The Good and Boisterous Behavior Loving Reader might go for it, but it wasn’t for me. There’s thoroughly enhanced, fully naked women throughout, a severed penile, tons of blood, fish up buttholes, etc, and maybe that’s all good to think about but there’s just no “meat” to the whole thing. Aside from that dick on the linoleum, of course.
There’s not much plot to go on about either. In the “first” a bunch of hungry CGI Piranha attack a bunch of naked college coeds at a lake. Now they’ve migrated upstream through underground caves and will soon be attacking an adult themed water park. Well, they do and a bunch of people get killed and then there’s the end. This has benchmark guests in here in the form of Gary Busey, Gulager’s pops Clu, a legless Ving Rhames in full Maresellus Wallace mode, Christopher Lloyd as, what else, a crazy fish scientist and Hasselhoff playing himself playing a lifeguard wink wink aren’t we clever and doing a bunch of singing. Danielle Panabaker and the girl from 30 Rock (Katrina Bowden) are hot tickets and probably the best acting came from doe-eyed Matt Bush who you might remember from Adventureland. Like I’ve always said, I don’t take myself or this thing I do or movies too seriously, and I wasn’t at all trying to take this that way, I just wanted something more entertaining and not so “LOOKIT LOOKIT LOOKIT LOOKIT LOOKIT LOOKIT LOOKIT LOOKIT LOOKIT!!!!“
Thanks for reading!!
P.S. To give credit where credit is due – that whole LOOKIT thing is from an old Peanuts comic strip I read when I was a kid. I think it’s Lucy who is jump roping and screaming “LOOKIT CHARLIE BROWN!! LOOKIT LOOKIT (etc)” until he finally succumbs, gives us a grimace and screams back “I’M LOOKITING!!!”
I won’t even admit how long I looked on the web for that strip 😐