Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HARD RIDE TO HELL (2010) TWO TOP HATS

WTF is this stupid movie? Who OK-d this thing?  Who would have thought a movie about five people trying to survive being eaten alive by a gang of satan worshipping bikers who want to bring the antichrist into the world could be soooo stupid and boring? Why is Miguel Ferrer in this thing?

Wait – here’s some IPC back story.

When I was younger I spent a lot of time in a place called Valencia in Southern California (every summer I would go out there to stay with my family) and every now and then I would run into some sort of celebrity. For example, at some point my uncle was running a window treatment business and we went out on a job to Keith Carradine’s house (not Kung-Fu and Kill Bill David Carradine – the other one) and he was going to run some errand to some convenience store and only had a wallet full of fifties (this was long before ATMs) so he asked if either of us had anything smaller and I gave him five bucks and he never came back. So: I have a persoanl claim to fame that Keith Carradine owes me money. On another note, when I got older and we could drive, my friend and I used to go hang out on Hollywood Boulevard to check out the people and one time we ran into Alice Cooper (WHAAAAAAAT!!).

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Last year at the semi-local Star Trek Con, I finally grew some balls and went up and talked to Buck Rogers Gil Gerard and Erin Grey (and of course I paid to talk to George Takei) but one of my memorable moments back in SoCal was this: behind the apartments my grandparents lived in was a deli and I would go there almost every day for a sandwich. One day I went there to probably get a corned beef on rye and who was in line in front of me? None other then the still-on-the-big-screen, Robocop-movie-starring Miguel Ferrer himself! I don’t remember exactly what I was doing in line (probably squirming) but he turned around, looked at me and said something like “How’s it going, kid?” Of course I don’t remember what I said since I was star struck but I have always kind of liked the guy since then and here we have met up again in the pretty stupid Hard Ride to Hell. Headshake headshake headshake.

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So I there’s my semi-synopsis up there and here we go: The opening was kinda dumb and it even involved a tequila bottle and a cesarean (should that be capitalized?)  but I pressed on and we’re introduced to a handful of attractive people who seem to have some OK acting skills and I thought “well this isn’t too bad but the dialogue is terrible“. And the dialogue continued to get worse and worse and then Ferrer’s character is observed performing a ritualistic killing of a bunch of naked chicks and a C.B. from a protagonist goes off and our guy gets seen and blah blah blah and an arm gets lost and Ferrer’s biker gang are immortal and they eat people alive because “blood tastes good!” and blah blah blah and then the infertile woman is pregnant with the antichrist and blah and blah and blah and there’s a big From Dusk til Dawn style showdown in a church and blah and blah.

There’s really not much good about this thing, I hate to report. I think this really wanted to be another Nu-Grindhouse like Death Proof and Planet Terror and Hobo but it just wasn’t very good. At one point I was still handling it ok until two of the gang had been left behind to loot the trailer and burn the body and then one of them has to take a crap so “he stinks up the place” and the other has to go shit out in the woods. Sure, that might sound great and I’m all in for a “bad” movie as long as it’s entertaining, but this did nothing much for me except make me want it to be over. I give it one good mark because it’s got Katharine Isabelle from the Ginger Snaps Trilogy and another because it was awful gory but I really wasn’t entertained whatsoever. Sorry – Ferrer – better luck next time, amigo. This movie was so unfun that I can’t even find an alternative movie poster to put up. BOOOOOOOOOOO.

11 comments

    • theipc

      HAHAHAHAHA I thought about that for hours when I was writing this up… I sure have always been very good at driving through people’s front yards… and Watts… and into your sister’s car… while you counter that with driving drunk transients home and into gas tank barriers…. HAHAHAHA

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    • theipc

      Yes – don’t do this one. There is nothing worthwhile here. “Please disperse, there is nothing to see here.” HAHA. Aside from Isabelle 🙂 And yes – that poster sucks and can join those other things we’ve talked about in going to hell. HAHAHA Hey – I guess those things can take their own hard ride to hell, huh??

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