Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HELL RIDE (2008) ONE TOP HAT

Sometimes I feel bad when I come across a movie I find pretty shitty – sometimes –  because I feel like “they tried” to make something good but it didn’t work out for us, but then I run across something like this piece of shit that’s nothing but a vanity film for a handful of deuchebags who happen to have some money and an in with Hollywood. What the fuck is this terrible movie? This is the type of thing that really pisses me off when it comes to normal people like me and people that are much better than me that are out there trying to get something published or something made or make it into the biz or anything like that. They (we) try and try and try and try and try and no one ever notices but then you get this type of bullshit from Joey Bishop’s kid and his bike riding buddies just because “they can”. This movie and all of it’s terribleness can go fuck itself.

Intended to be one of the Nu-grindhouse flicks we got after Q. Tarantino and R. Rodriguez indulged themselves and gave us Death Proof and Planet Terror, this is allegedly a throwback to the old motorcyclesploitation movies from the 60s and 70s up to and even including Dennis Hopper doing his best Easy Rider schtick. Anyone that’s looked at my place here for at least a week, knows that I’m all about 70s exploitation & Grindhouse movies and never shy away from any bare skin, but this is absolutely miserable. The dialogue is ATROCIOUS, the delivery is forced and contrived and gurgly, there’s a ton of nudity for no other reason than “that might be the only way Larry Bishop can get laid”, the acting SUCKS, the story is stupid, the plot was terrible and it took me three different segments of 30 minute intervals to get through this. I actually feel bad for Vinnie Jones being in this because I kind of like his work. Actually, I kind of feel bad for most of the people in this because it’s so awful – except for Bishop who can shove this screenplay up his ass.

Before starting this sentence I had written 362 words about this movie which is way too much. If you’re on the fence about this stinking anus story of two hardcoremotherfucking motorcycle gangs, hopefully I have nudged you along the path of Not Bothering Your Life with this and, even if you’re still in, you can go to the IMDB  quotes page and get an idea about what you’re in for. Screw You, Hell Ride. One TH because I always liked Dennis Hopper but he deserved better.

21 comments

  1. The Tile Doctor

    This movie is slightly less terrible w the sound off – For example Michael Madsen’s character “the gent” is ok if you don’t have to hear what he’s saying…but yes what a waste on all accounts – Hopefully we won’t be subjected to any more Bishop whims in the future

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    • theipc

      No kidding! What happened to Madsen that now he’s The Gent in everything? Oh well. Thanks for stopping by ~ I know you’re a busy man!

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  2. “The dialogue is ATROCIOUS, the delivery is forced and contrived and gurgly, there’s a ton of nudity for no other reason than “that might be the only way Larry Bishop can get laid”, the acting SUCKS, the story is stupid, the plot was terrible and it took me three different segments of 30 minute intervals to get through this”.

    hmm, nudity you say? lol, this review was great – i feel your rage through my monitor! 🙂

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  3. I vaguely remember hearing of this, wanting to see it because it was grindhouse and then promptly forgetting all about it. Thanks for the heads up that I should never ever lay eyes on it!

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    • theipc

      DONT DO IT! These guys can go fuck themselves. They are sitting on a pile of money and made this shit must because “they could”. Eat it, Hell Ride!! Honestly… really… don’t….

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  4. This was Tarantinos idea (partly). He produced it, scripted bits and was meant to act in it if I recall correctly. Throw in some nods to Desperado and the fact it stars Kill Bill guys Madsen & Carradine along with Dennis Hopper and we get the best biker movie ever surely?? 🙂 I actually didn’t think it was as bad as you obviously do, or have the hatred towards them haha. I’ve seen a lot worse movies – The Devil Inside i’m looking at you – but nice write up as always buddy.

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    • theipc

      I get ya. I think I am more bitter that my friend has a written script and it’s not going anywhere and it’s a ton better than this shit and I can’t get my own screenplay finished (LOL lazy) but it probably would sit around forever too and then here comes Hell Ride with dialogue about going down on dead women. BOOOO!! : ) thanks for the comment!! On a side note – Devil Inside didn’t really bother me for some reason (unlike everyone else). Keep up the good work over there!

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      • If it wasn’t for Tarantino being his buddy and putting his name to it, Hell Ride would never of got made. Hope your friends (and yours eventually!) scripts get picked up, a lot of luck seems to be involved more than anything. I read Leigh Whannel & Darren Bousmans blogs (SAW writers incase anyone didnt recognise the names) and they hate the hollywood system and the way they have to beg and grovel to try and get something made. I hope your scripts are better than Devil Inside, your the first person Ive seen defend it! And thanks, you too, love your site 🙂

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      • theipc

        Thanks for the encouragement. Maybe I need to take a week off work and just do it – the screenplay format is just so irritating. And we should probably get one thing straight, for posterity : ) I am not defending Devil Inside, I just thought it wasn’t as bad as everyone else did HA HA LOL! If you ever had minute or the desire you could check out the items on the Most Unclean page here – those are the ones I couldn’t stand the most. (any Martyrs is on there)

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      • theipc

        Oh – hey – this is my site… regarding Martyrs – I thought it was pretty good until they caught her and beat the shit out of her for 30 minutes and then skinned her alive. No thanks, France! That was NOT for me…

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      • I will check out that list, is Martyrs really on there? OK so spoilers are fine now we aren’t on my site 🙂 I liked (wrong word maybe) the twist of her being captured, the whole ‘are they in the wrong house, just killed an innocent family’ suddenly twisted round to the sick fucks got what they deserved then the girl is captured herself. The only negative to me was the religious aspect at the very end, the whole afterlife bit, but I did my blog to find opinions and its always cool to hear especially when someone’s is totally different! And yeah, get your script done man, go away, no distractions (aside from visiting my site obviously!) and get it done. I always hark on about Saw but the way they got it made is inspiring 🙂 Essay over!

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      • theipc

        I liked the twist too I just thought the constant beating was hard to watch and not necessary and then, after all of that, they skinned her alive?It just wasn’t my bag and kind of ruined the whole thing for me. Yep – diversity is great!!

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  5. Pingback: THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003) JESSICA BIEL’S BOOBS | Isaacs Picture Conclusions

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