Isaacs Picture Conclusions

WELCOME TO SPRING BREAK (1989) TWO TOP HATS

Let me start off by saying that Netflix “found” this for me under the name “Welcome to Spring Break” but the common name for this out there seems to be “Nightmare Beach”.

OK, let’s just go ahead and get the elephant out of the room: this movie sucks it. Bad. I’ve gone on record before with my dislike of most things 80s for my various reasons but this one has it all: bad hairdos, bushy eyebrows, men in daisy dukes, terrible one liners, pitiful dialogue, heinous acting, piss poor special effects, a bad plot, bad white-people dancing, pranks and hyjinks, word strings like “sit on this (middle finger)” and “the beaver patrol is out tonight!!”, that oh so wacky dude who keeps playing like he’s dead and inciting everyone to fake scream but he’s not dead and “why can’t anybody take a joke?? Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck”, wet T-shirt contests, lame 80s rock n roll and did i mention – tuuuurrrrrible acting. I don’t know what’s going on here – maybe I have the vapors – but I was kind of, almost, maybe, um, (look around), tug collar, um, er, fond of it. I’ll never watch this again if I have any choice but if anyone ever asks me if I’ve seen it this will be my response “Nightmare Beach? Yeah – I’ve seen that… it’s a pretty shitty, but it’s kind of funny. Don’t expect too much.”

Diablo?? Is that choo?? Sex me!! I’m still jour girl!!

What’s up? It’s Spring Break and thousands of half dressed young people are hitting the beach to frolic and get laid! YAY!!! Zany antics to follow!! Little do they know that a fellow named Diablo was just put to death by electric chair!! He was the leader of a bad ass mix of poorly acted Latinos and preppy-dudes-in-leather-jackets Motorcycle Gang called the DEMONS, see. He was framed, see! He vows to come back from the dead and “KILL ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!!!”, see. No sooner is he dead than someone is tooling around town on a souped up motor bike killing people with electricity! No one can see his face! Is it Diablo back from the dead?? “All we can do is pray,” sayeth the local Reverend (Lance LeGault who, if you’re a little old, will recognize from any number of 70s and 80s TV shows).

No Sex for you!! Eat my shorts!!

Our two leads (Ronnie and Skip) roll into town in their Chrysler LaBaron, get their Beaver Patrol! on and head to the local bar where they meet up with cold hearted, stony Gail (Sarah Buxton) who doesn’t want to DO IT with either of them – whatever, Ice Queen!! Skip is sad because he threw five interceptions in the National Championship game so he heads back to his room to mope while, after being turned down for The Sex with Gail, Ronnie heads out, bottle of rum in one hand and a bag full of rubbers in the other – and gets his ass kicked by the DEMONS!  Left for dead, he stumbles for help and runs in to the guy on the bike who burns him alive!!

oohhhhhhhhhhhmyyyyyyyyyygaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwdddddddddd

Sayanora Ronnie! Enjoy the afterlife!! Off to join the Great Beaver Patrol in the sky. Unless he’s not forgiven for the crimes he’s committed against man. Wait, that’s not in here. Oh well – now that Ronnie’s gone missin’, Skip and Gail team up to monotonically figger out what’s happened to his best bud, including run ins with the bike gang and the local Bad Cop, John Saxon (what’s he doing in this?) and stop that maniac once and for all!!.  Make no mistake, this isn’t “good” but, I guess, it’s not terrible. I would say that this is probably best looked into for some chuckles at modern slasher’s older uncle.

With all of that written and exposéd, I have a confession to make. Last week my friend Chris and I were exchanging stupid text messages like we always do and we got in to stupid song names (again) and we decided to get together on Saturday with our other friend Richie and hang out and drink a large number of beers. Well Saturday came and I thought it would be fun to add to the suite of fun things out here and I wrote up some lyrics for a song called “Damn Y’all!! That’s a dirty finger!!!” and then we got very loaded and spent four hours making fantastic music that I was going to post out here for your pleasure and we’d make millions like The Beeb. Well, on Sunday I got up, hungover, laid around for a little bit and then listened to: the worst song ever made by human beings. Seriously. I thought about posting it as “the worst song ever made by human beings” and then I realized that, while I hope to get some laughs out here, I don’t want to get laughed AT so we can call that project terminated for the time being.

Well – I was just downstairs telling my coworker this story and she was like “OMG you have to post it” and I sez “NO NO NO NO NO it’s too terrible” and she sez “Who cares” and I say “I don’t want to be made fun of” and she sez “you crack me up – just do it stupid” and I said “OK I’ll do it if I get 10,000 hits on today’s post where I’m talking about it” so there you go. I know that will never happen so we’re safe but, for the sake of fun, here’s the lyrics you can hum to yourself while you’re at work this week:

(it’s an 8 bar melody we went “Christopher Cross” style with keyboard and maracas)

I was at the party leaning on the wall
When Chris texted me from across the hall
“What the fuck?” his message read
When suddenly it hit my head
My beer and I were quickly parted
When I turned around and Richie farted
What is causing this stink to linger?
Damn Ya’ll! That’s a dirty finger!

Damn Ya’ll! That’s a dirty finger!
Damn Ya’ll! That’s a dirty finger!

I’ll never know where that finger’d been
Presumably up someone’s end
I wish he’d watch it, that’s for sure
Cuz it smells like I was in manure
It also fucking looked like hell
In addition to the smell
Repulsive like a song by Winger
Damn Ya’ll! That’s a dirty finger!

Damn Ya’ll! That’s a dirty finger!
Damn Ya’ll! That’s a dirty finger!

Black and brown with yellow hues
Dripping stinking, tarry ooze
The other guests hit the streets
While Chris and I looked for some bleach
We had to try and stop this fast
There was no bleach! We doused with gas!
After this we kill the singer
Damn Ya’ll! That’s a dirty finger!

Damn Ya’ll! That’s a dirty finger!
Damn Ya’ll! That’s a dirty finger!

12 comments

  1. Omg, where do I even start with the commenting on this??? That song you wrote is disgusting and HILARIOUS. I DEMAND you post it! DEMAND, I say!! *giggles* Pretty please? 😉

    “…men in daisy dukes, terrible one liners, pitiful dialogue, heinous acting, piss poor special effects, a bad plot, bad white-people dancing…” These things in combination are almost always right. In a terrible way but still.

    “Little do they know that a fellow named Diablo was just put to death by electric chair!! He was the leader of a bad ass mix of poorly acted Latinos and preppy-dudes-in-leather-jackets Motorcycle Gang called the DEMONS, see. He was framed, see! He vows to come back from the dead and “KILL ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!!!”, see. No sooner is he dead than someone is tooling around town on a souped up motor bike killing people with electricity!” – – Is this what that one Simpsons Treehouse of Horror bit is based off of??

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    • theipc

      Misty – NO NO NO NO NO! You tend to use the words “don’t judge” occasionally – I cannot post this because we would be judged as committing heinous crimes and sentenced to death in the Hell of the Upside Down Sinners (that’s from Big Trouble). It’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOO awful. Trust me. No one would ever come back and see me. You know – that’s good thinking on that Simpsons bit – I bet you’re right!

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    • Mary

      Misty – I have heard this song in all of it’s … umm.. hmm… ‘crude’ glory and I assure for everyone’s sake it is necessary for us here at the IPC to lock this song away in the vault, lose the key; shred all documents and purge all conversations relating to this song. We value the wellbeing of our fine readers and I assure this IS your for your wellbeing 🙂

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  2. Lemuel Severance

    I hacked into the ipc mainframe and was able to listen to this lo-fi gem of a tune. It may be embarrassing to some of the ipc powers that be but – – I’m not a big ROFL’er – but I was ROFLing uncontrollably – and there was a real charm to Chris’ restraint in the vocal which added some depth and even a little melancholy to the ‘disgusting and hilarious’ tune. I think you have a winning formula here – grindhouse lyrics w’ sentimental melancholy music = pure audio gold! Maybe this could make the soundtrack of Rubber 2 ! the return of the innertube…

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    • theipc

      LOL awesome! You know, I listened to this again this afternoon while I was typing something up and it is soooooooo bad – so LOL bad – but – for real…… It’s almost catchy… This might – maybe – only maybe – be an email request V.I.P. – type thing. It had The Flash laughing…

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  3. Lemuel Severance

    Almost a year later – and with Shitfest as the backdrop – these lyrics and this song still stand up! It’s more than just the charm in Chris’ vocal – I think now that we’ve had some time to live with the Isaacs Interviews and for those of us not in OKC gotten to know ‘the band’ – and their ‘brotherhood’ of alcohol, debauchery, and well – poop – makes it all the better – Time for TRACK 2!!! GO MEN GO!!!

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