Isaacs Picture Conclusions

LET’S SNEAK IN TO THE DRIVE IN # 6: DON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984) FOUR “KEEP ON TRUCKIN'” SHIRTS

To The Good and Nostalgic Reader: you already KNOW I had that shirt when I was a kid. I remember it so well – I remember my dad got it for me and I asked him what it meant and he said something like “It means to be a good boy and do your work so you don’t get spanked”, or something to that effect. My motto has always been to take it easy and let’s not get uptight and don’t panic and everything will be all right, don’t worry – we can fix this and such and, I guess, maybe, that’s where I could have got that from. That or the constant spankings I got as a kid… crickets… Anyway, no matter how bad things get, we keep on truckin’ and takin’ it easy, so tonight let’s put on our best denim vests (no shirts required, mind you), run a comb through our feathered hair and haul some ass to the Drive – In for

So… yes… 1984 England… I am not sure what was going on in 1984 England but whatever they were using to shoot this movie is pretty poor. The specs on IMDB read “35 MM” and I would never, ever claim to be a student of film (or even know anything about it) but this was one of the worst looking things I have seen, maybe ever. It looked like someone had smeared their greasy hands all across my TV screen and everything was a blurry mess, especially when we were looking at images in the dark, of which there were M-A-N-Y… But I have found that it’s not fair to judge an oldie by the quality of the film since we’ve made such technological advances into High Definition, so I got over that and concentrated on the story and the actors and the sets and the kills and all of that good stuff.

The scene before the opening credits pretty much sets the tone – it’s grainy, hard to make out the couple making out in the car and then STABAROO!! they’re both dispatched with a knife to the gut!! Queue the pretty low budget, to say the least, title cards rolling to the right of a burning Santa Claus figurine! Next: Another dude dressed in a Santa Suit is killed! Gored through the head with a spear!! Someone doesn’t have any Christmas Spirit!! The Good and Proper cops at Scotland Yard are on the case!! Someone’s playing a flute on the street!! The daughter of the last Santa that was killed doesn’t want to strip and be in a porn shoot! The lady that does undress goes out in the street in her Santa outfit and is accosted by this guy!!

He takes a look at her business and lets her go free!!

Now the cops have a lead – a man in a hood wearing a mask – but “His eyes are smiling…” This whole thing was kind of curious because the kills are all pretty gory: brains blown out, stabbings, gore through the head, meat cleaver to the face and even, cough cough, a weenus chopped off and a very bloody urinal.  The whole time I was watching this I was thinking that this was only “kind of” good and not as “fun” as the others I have put out as Drive – Ins, but the last ten minutes of this were pretty freaking awesome. And not like pretty freaking awesome Giallo-style where the entire movie is explained, pretty freaking awesome as in “Hey – Good Job, 80’s Brits!! Didn’t expect that!! Right on!!”

If anyone should choose to watch this, you should be prepared for some shitty looking footage, 80’s fashion and hair styles, a modest amount of loose boobs flying around and some – how do I put this – Classic Doctor Who style synthesizer (which didn’t bother me any). So, yep – not too bad but I wouldn’t advise trying to watch this one your 56 inch HD Samsung (or even my 22 inch Vizio…)

On a side note – I finally got around to working on my personal links (for the first time in ages) of all of the good people I read (that have posted something in recent memory – apologies if I missed someone in my reader). The point of that is that when I wrote the second to last sentence up there it made me think of my other blog – the Doctor Who site that I rarely update. The purpose of mentioning that is that I feel bad that I never update it (because I have always been a die hard Who fan so when I write about them I try and capture everything that’s going on in an episode so it’s a lot of work). ANYWAY – if I get to the fucking point already – if anyone ever wanted to contribute over there – I would LOVE it. I would always accept a donation of your words and thoughts at ei@theipc.me ~ thanks for any consideration!

7 comments

  1. This sounds like fun! Especially the Doctor Who synthesizer part! 🙂 Do you ever post Doctor Who pictures on the DW site? I came across an amazing and adorable thing with Matt Smith and a little girl at Comic Con and thought of sending it your way.

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    • theipc

      This was pretty fun (but hard to see) maybe my old eyes are just getting bad 😐 As to the DW site – so far I haven’t but I / we totally could. I would be more than happy to set you up as an author over there if you wanted 🙂 you and your DW friends 🙂

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  2. Although this seemed like a clear attempt…and failure…by Brits to make a nasty slasher movie to cash in on the trend (nobody does slashers like North America, a fact of which I really shouldn’t be proud), I liked it anyway.

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  3. Pingback: RED CHRISTMAS (2016) YOU’VE BEEN WARNED | Isaacs Picture Conclusions

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