Isaacs Picture Conclusions

GIALLORAMA! COLD EYES OF FEAR (1971) TWO TOP HATS

Well hmmm…  When I put this thing in, understanding that this was made in 1971, I was surprised that the first thing to come on screen was a modern video of a goth looking vampire woman fondling some enormous, naked boobs from behind and biting the poor girl’s neck. Then, the girl is writhing on some slab and the vampire is under her letting her blood drip in her mouth and then the words REDEMPTION PRESENTS grace the screen and I thought – wow that was some intro for the distribution company.

Then another video started playing with snakes hissing everywhere inside some cathedral and some more writhing women with gargoyle wings and then the same vampire lady with her five inch fingernails is center screen. She starts going on about her cat and how cats are also called the P word and so are women and – well – you can imagine – and then a woman in a latex fetish suit comes out and starts acting like a cat and – well – you can imagine what goes on from there, smoochie boochie make-out. With all of that out there, I figure this was some sort of shtick like Elvira used to do to intro their selection of movies they’re putting out. And then the movie started.

Are you going to cut off my knickers??? I have nothing on underneath them!!

I guess I should say that I know everyone loves Ennio Morricone but his stuff is either hit or miss with me and the music over the opening credits was so Jazzy awful that I took off my headphones. Don’t hate. After the credits roll that blond girl is seen, I assume, getting ready for bed when a man appears out of the shadows! He’s got a knife!! He chases her around and cuts off her drawers!! He licks her chest!! He throws her on the bed and does some more licking!! He’s going to do it to her!! She stabs him!! Applause all around as this was a play!! End! Cut!!

I like to shower while I am being held hostage. Will you hand me that towel?

So that was decently exciting and then nothing happens for the next hour and twenty minutes. Well – there’s lots of yelling in seriously high pitched 70s mono sound. There’s some slapping people around a little bit. There’s evil laughing and a TON of 70s-pan-in-on-those-eyeballs shots. There’s WAY TOO MUCH jazz muzak. There’s a cat and the use of the word “Solicitor” a zillion times. There’s some J&B drinking. There’s a random motorcycle gang fight that has no meaning.  I know that may sound exciting but it’s not – it’s almost as boring as The Social Network, but thankfully, there’s no Eisenberg to be listened to here.

Please make another Zombieland. Please?

The last 15 minutes of this were actually kind of cool with them trying to disarm a bomb and a decently tense four way hunt through the dark house, so that and the theater act at the beginning save this from getting tagged with Boresville. I would recommend to you, The Good and Curious Reader to just skip this piss and just go do Tucker and Dale again unless you’re just in the mood to see a very weird couple of minutes with some chicks in latex getting it on.

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