I don’t normally post on one of the weekend days to give you Good People a break, but, wait. We very rarely ever “go out” any longer mainly because I just prefer to do my beer drinking at home and, because it’s much cheaper, but last night a friend was in town so we went and hit happy hour at the local Fox and Hound and that REALLY DID turn into a six hour stay and a 167 dollar bar tab. REALLY. UGH. Today I was so hungover from shots and smoking cigarettes that I felt absolutely wretched and spent the entire morning laying around on the couch and sweating. Then my friend over at CINEMA SCHMINEMA was finally able to publish her thoughts on one of the most heinous and painful movies in cinematic history, THE SINFUL DWARF. (Here’s my thoughts). Anyway, her act of valor was partly my fault so I felt obligated to get up off my sorry, wretched ass and get something out today, so – I present to you: BREEDERS.
I have to give full credit to my friend over at RECORDS MAKE GREAT PETS for this recommendation. Let’s go ahead and address the big elephant in the room, this movie is absolutely terrible… but it’s awesome. The acting is god awful, the chicks get naked and cook, the alien is a pitiful piece of shit, the plot – OY – the music = crap, the monster baby at the end is just stupid and when you put that all together, I fucking loved it! You should really visit “Record’s” site at that link up there and check out his hilarious review and awesome screen captures. You really should.
It’s been awhile since I’ve felt the need to put one of these things out here, but I couldn’t really find many screen captures on the nets and didn’t want to steal Records’ so I took what I can get and a couple of them are a little racy. SO:
An alien is going around NYC – well – having unwelcome sex with young women in NY. Instead of using the BIG R word here and getting even more perverted Googlers here, let’s just call that term – since I am free associating whatever I see in my kitchen “Budding” – after my cat, “Bud” who won’t leave me alone. So, and alien is going around Budding young women in NYC. There is actually not any scenes of Budding like that horrible version in Irreversible, but that is the implication here. First off is a hooker who had a bad date, is walking home alone through the streets of NYC and runs into an old man walking his dog. The man turns into some sort of horrible alien thing and gets his Bud on with her out in a field. *PLEASE NOTE: I do not take this topic lightly, so please don’t read this thinking I do, this is just a silly movie. There is almost nothing I hate more than that and domestic violence.
The next day, at the hospital, two of the worst actors ever are discussing the matter. The hooker has burns and scratches on her body and can’t remember anything! “I’ve never seen anything like this,” the doctor lady says and then blurts out that caption. Elsewhere, at a photo shoot, a model declines to go to lunch. Instead she takes care of a line of cocaine and does some fully nude calisthenics, like we all do. I know my office mates love it when I do my nude lunch hour stretching and hit just the right angles. Anyway, her friend the cameraman busts in because he forgot his wallet! “OOOOOPS!!” Awkwaaaaaaaaaaaarrd!!! Then he turns into some sort of gurgly creature and gets his Bud on.
Back at the hospital, everyone’s still confused but they have noticed a common theme – all of the victims are virgins!! Right!! That’s believable!! That was a virgin hooker!! Maybe she’s just bad at her trade… Down in the depths of some building a bag lady is spreading out her blanket and talking to her doll and fixing up her XMAS tree. Not even she’s safe!! The 60 Year Old Virgin!! Back to the hospital and a good looking blond nurse is concerned for her safety because she has never lain with a man! “It’ll be OK” soothes doctor lady, “Just be careful.”
So she heads home, takes off all of her clothes, obviously working at the hospital sans knickers, and sets a massive pot on the stove. She gets herself clean, pops out of the shower and OH SHIT!!! Her date is there in the kitchen!!! “AAAAAAAAAAAAA” she screams in her best talking voice. “Are we finally going to do it tonight?” he asks. “not tonight but we can work on other things” she talks and he turns into the bloody alien thing and commences to Bud.
Back at the hospital, the geeky orderly has noticed that the girls are all making full recoveries! AW SHIT! But wait… they all get up, take off their gowns and leave. WHAAAAAAAAAAA? Poor orderly, at least he’ll have a date with himself later. In some sort of lab, a man with a very modern computer has analyzed something and discovered it’s brick residue!! That can only be found in certain places in New York!! They triangulate the different areas and find a central location!! The cop and doctor lady are on it!!
Down in the depths of the city they run across all of our victims bathing in some sort of hot tub with some green vinyl draped over it. They are smearing themselves with some goop and moaning. This was their big break!!! “Come on ladies,” says the director, doing a line. “That’s right. Rub each other. You! You there! Rub her just like this! That’s it!! Rub it!! Cut!!” and heads to the port-o-potty to do his own rubbing. UM – what else? Do you want to be spoiled here?
~ SPOILERS ~
As it turns out, the alien is here in this planet Breeding a new super race to overtake the human race and subjugate them and have the Earth all to themselves. Sweet!! Oh wait… that’s not sweet!! Fucking aliens!! Die you mother fuckers!! Doctor lady figures out that the hot tub is sitting on a railroad line!! They call the depot and convince the to turn on the juice!! They do!! You can tell from that picture that our poor, victimized alien host mamas nee virgins become their own London Broil and the Earth is saved!!! YAY!! Go Team Earth!! Up yours alien overlords!! Go screw yourselves!! We then find out the doctor lady is also a virgin so her and cop guy go home to change that up once and for all. BUTHE’SANALIENOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!
There you go, friends. I would recommend this only if you like sleazy, stupid shit from this time period. If you’ve read this and think this sounds great, you’ll totally enjoy it. Especially for beer and movie night. But not date night. If you try this on date night you will likely remain a virgin. I’m talking to you Darin.