Isaacs Picture Conclusions

CLOSETS (2010) ONE MIDDLE FINGER

I first heard about this “movie” over at my friend Cinema Schminema’s “FIRST FIVE” feature… It’s so funny because she couldn’t finish it and a couple of months later I was in the grocery store, checking out and saw they had some sort of new DVD bin and the first one I saw was that same 6 pack “DEADLY GAMES” with CLOSETS on it and, of course, I added it to my purchase. I don’t know if using the word proud would be apt to say when acknowledging that I finished this movie, but I did. And it was horrible from start to finish. I mean that when I say that.  The first five minutes of this are five of the worst minutes I’ve ever seen and then, lucky us, so are the last five, but i’ll get to that soon.  So there’s that and this movie totally sucked the most ass so I would not recommend this to anyone for anything. Well, maybe my friend Chris. “Hi LIL PEE PEE, you should watch this this weekend! It’s a total gas, man.”

1 – I don’t know what’s going on with that poster because that girl and that house have nothing whatsoever to do with anything in this.

2 – The first five minutes of this are SOOOOOOO bad. The three characters are all in some sort of green screen world where images surrond them that look like something I could draw in a digital moving picture version of MicroSoft Paint. I think there’s some kid trapped in a “closet”, wait then she blows up, wait what? Then the door shuts.  Some guys are talking on walkie talkies. The kid cries “mommy” and blows up. Huh?

3 – Like Misty pointed out, they obviously had no money or desire to do a court room scene so there’s some voiceover junk about the trial while some woman drives down the highway poofing her hair. Prosecution: “You are on trial for murder”. Our lead: “A demon did it.” Prosecution: “A demon?” Lead: “A demon.” Judge: “You are going to prison.”

4 – On the day of his release, our lead, “Jonas Littleton” is finally shown to us and he looks exactly like an old T.J. Hooker. And acts as well too.

5 – Since he’s an ex-con, the ONE place he applies for a job mocks him in his interview so he’s sooooooooooooooooo sad and has a drink and some sort of barbiturate and goes to a psychic. There, as always, a ghost demon thing manifests itself and sticks it’s cottage cheese hand inside the psychic, manipulates her voice and strikes a deal with sad ole, drunk Jonas for fame and fortune in exchange for something he loves. Then the psychic dies, he gets a call in the middle of the night from HR offering him a job and he goes home. Business as usual!

~spoilers~

6 – Seven years later he and his wife and two kid come home from something and the ghost demon thing kills his wife and steals off with his kid and threatens him about something.

7 – Seven years later Corbin Bernsen (WHY MAN WHY?????) and his wife and kid come home from something to their peeping tom neighbor doing some midnight gardening and the ghost demon thing manifests itself, stands on a roof and steals off with their kid.

8 – Luckily ole, drunk Jonas is now running some sort of paranormal ghost demon hunter thing with his three irritating employees and they’re on the case. The thirty minutes of acting that come with their investigation is some of the worst I’ve seen –> from everyone involved. Even Bernsen. WTF? Did he read the script? Someone must have really had him by the balls to do this.

9 – After eighty GRUELING minutes, we finally get the “big finale” that involves Jonas and his kid (whose lips are stitched together, huh???) and his buddy all going back to the green screen world except this time everything is blue and it’s snowing and they’re walking slow to imitate slow motion and they all explode (huh???) and it was the secretary the whole time (what???)

10 – To top everything else off, the fucking claim is that this is based on a true story.

This really is one of the worst things I have ever seen. I give it the finger. I tell it to go fuck itself. I tell it to eat shit. The only thing that has kept me form sticking it on the MOST UNCLEAN page is that I’ve had fun talking to a few people about this and I had fun writing this. You know how you go outside and stand near a bush or a tree and suddenly a wasp flies by and you jump and jerk and run away? That should be your reaction if you see a copy of this somewhere. “OH SHIT!! LOOK OUT!!!”

: )

Thanks to Mary from The Art Department for some wicked ass screen shots (as always, you can click on any picture out here to make them bigger):

I am NOT T.J. Hooker. I am NOT!! NOT!!

For peeping on people, you get the True Death

I’m hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiding………

I don’t even remember why this dude got killed…

WHY, MAN??? WHY???

p.s. I put a new page out here, on the right of the web browser called IPC TITLE CARDS if you’re interested…

11 comments

  1. Mary

    This movie RUINED my day. It made me feel so angry that I was actually left questioning myself if I have anger issues since all I wanted to do was throw my player out the 3rd floor window and SCREAM. AND I couldn’t even make it through the whole thing so I can only imagine how you must feel dude.

    So occasionally I like to scare myself so bad that it makes me cry and jump for days and the other day EI handed me a copy of this 6 pack of movies and told me to watch the movie Darkness. That movie scared the life out of me to where I almost had an accident and then almost punched out a passerby who happened to walk up right after I finished watching it. So hoping to continue the high I get from scaring myself senseless I took a stab at another movie on the disc called Closets. Ohhhmyyygawwdddd!!! The feeling I had from riding the high of Darkness down to the slums of Closets can best be captured by the latest Cheetos commercial where the newly built robot feeds the man a Cheetos and then bitch slaps him immediately afterwards. Well here Darkness is the super kickass awesome Cheetos and Closets is that bitch slap immediately following that just left me feeling angry and with the need to do some hulk smashing.

    Writing this has forced me to relieve the anger I felt suffering through half this movie. I think I will just watch Darkness again and see if I can erase the bad memories left by Closets. Seriously people, closets themselves are inherently frightening and you couldn’t even get that right -OOHHHMMYYYYGAWWWWDDDDD!!!

    I have to go do some breathing exercises to calm down now. Thanks Closets…..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bwahahahahaaaaaaa, this review is hilarious! Even more hilarious is Mary’s reaction! Now I kinda want to finish this lame excuse for a movie and I definitely want to watch Darkness (Closets was the only one I checked out on the 6 pack). Poor Mary indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • theipc

      HAHAHAHA!! Awesome!! Darkness was gooooooooood, I am actually trying to do a good write up about it as we speak : ) Thanks for stopping by during your sabbatical!!

      Like

  3. Chris brandt

    This movie must be extremely awful. I couldn’t even finish reading the review. Corbin bernsen, that name sounds familiar 🙂 he needs to find a new agent, if he can still afford one

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Marvelous Mondays: Elektra 2005 by the IPC | Life of this city girl

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