Hot off the electronic presses!!!
Jeffrey T Johnson is a friend and co-worker of mine who happened to stop by my office while I was thinking about these questions. I tried them out on him and we had a couple of good laughs and he agreed to be the first subject for this new project. His interests appear to be drinking coffee, running and stealing things from me. THANK YOU JEFFREY for agreeing to this!!! He doesn’t run a blog but you can find him out on Twitter @jeffreytjohnson
I gag uncontrollably when I brush my teeth, do you? I do not, unless I am brushing the back of my tongue. Have you tried a shorter toothbrush or keeping the brush on the teeth?
If your best friend or loved one turned into a shit eating vampire, would you stake them in the heart? I would, which would ironically be an act of pure love for that former person.
The Shining scared me so bad when I saw it as a kid that I can’t watch it again. Thoughts? Don’t watch it again. I have done work as a therapist and have found there is no help to be found in trying to resolve the past. Live in the future and watch a new Nicholson film that will impact you in more positive ways than needlessly opening old wounds.
You’re at a bar drinking Brandy with Jesus Christ (whatever your religious affiliation is or is not). What do you ask him? I get the wine culture thing, JC, but brandy? That stuff is purely made to get drunk. What’s REALLY going on lately?
John Leguizamo. Yes or no? An emphatic NO. And it is NOT because of Wong Foo. His stand-up routine was annoying.
Worst movie you’ve ever seen? Note: Anything by Uwe Boll is off the table. Original Willy Wonka – for the same reasons you should not watch the Shining.
I have a blog friend who claims she doesn’t eat olives, what do you think about that? Olives are a polarizing condiment.
Could you saw your own arm off with a pocket knife if you had to? I would hope I could. I would also hope I NEVER EVER EVER have to find out my metal in this area.
If you could adopt an unorthodox pet (no cats or dogs, etc) what would you pick and what would you name him or her? I would pick a Giraffe and name him or her Sgt. Peppers. That is a very specific dream of yours. Kudos. I would adopt a boa constrictor that loves kids and name him Squeezy.
You have to have a clock on your desk (no phones or computers). Do you go digital or analog? Analog, and classy. With old-school bells on top that are set to go off when conference calls get annoying.
What are your thoughts on the new trend of hat wearing? I think it is directly correlated to increasing prevalence of receding hairlines, which is directly correlated to increased hormones in processed meat products. And energy drinks.
I am not a big fan of big, puffy vests because I don’t understand why you would only want your chest warm in the winter. Please provide your thoughts. The chest is where the core temperature of your body is generated and the limbs are inconsequential. See the pocket knife question for further clarification.
You walk into someone’s office at work and it’s clear they have just farted, what do you do? Take a deep obvious breath through the nose, not the mouth, and say “Good one. Don’t smile, it’ll stain your teeth.”
Have you ever eaten a Turducken? If so, what did you think? Never have, never will.
Texting or calling? What is your preferred method of communicating with another human? I enjoy both for very different reasons. If I had to choose one, it would be texting. I can hide that way.
Your ID photo in the web directory at our work has you sporting a full head of hair and a beard. I see you these days with a shaved and shiny head. Can you please explain this inconsistency to The Good and Confused Readers here? My facial and head hair is like the weather in Oklahoma – if you don’t like it, just wait because it will change. I go from completely bald and shiny to a full growth within a matter of minutes.
I see that you have been developing some large arm muscles. Are you doing this to kick someone’s ass? Yes, but it’s actually unintentional. I’ve been roiding up for more aggression and man breasts, but I mysteriously have developed the side effect of large arm muscles.
Ten years ago our employer sent me to Hawaii as an award for doing good work. There, a motivational speaker told us all that jogging is not good for your internal organs and we should all just walk to get our exercise. I see you and your buddy jogging around the roads at work all the time. Please explain. I prefer slow suicide.
I know you take the stairs at the building we work in. Have you noticed the DEAD SCORPION on the THIRD FLOOR?? WTF???? I have not, but did you know they glow under black light?
Lastly – have you been stealing and drinking my Diet Dr. Peppers??? No, I always pay you. EVERY time. OK, most times. OK, 17% of the time. OK, yes. Yes I have.