Isaacs Picture Conclusions

LET’S SNEAK IN TO THE DRIVE – IN # 10: MAMA DRACULA (1980) ONE PAIR OF KISS BOOTS

The intro to this is, more than anything, a harbinger nod foreshadowing hint clue of something I think is going to be super awesome love it very amazing coming in the future here at THE IPC, but I am reliant on someone else’s use of their hard earned free time so I wait patiently.  I can’t go into too may details about this so let’s just put on our Starchild makeup and our leather capes and our KISS boots and head to the Drive – In for:

O M G this movie was terrible. Terrible terrible terrible all of the way around. WTF was Louise Fletcher thinking? Poor Nurse Ratched.  Poor, sweet Nurse Ratched. The film stunk, the sound was abysmal, the acting pitiful, the music atrocious, the continuity and editing hurt my feelings it was so bad and, worst of all, nothing made any fucking sense. This really did take me four different attempts to get through since it was so awful but, I made it and am here to report to The Good and Vampire Loving Reader that there is absolutely no Value in attempting this. I mean, I guess if you see the word groups  “Louise Fletcher” and “bathing in the blood of virgins” on the DVD sleeve and think You must watch this and you love 80s bullshit this might be for you but OMG this was bad.

Mama D, yo

This stinky polyp movie starts off with a Jerry Lewis idiot style character named Doctor Bloed (groan) {sorry, Professor Van Bloed thx IMDB} accepting an invite from, yes, Mama Dracula, to go to Transylvania for a “Blood Conference”. So he hops on a boat and heads overseas and gets picked up by two of the sorriest vampire characters I have ever encountered and is taken to meet Mama. There it is explained that she is centuries old and bathes in the blood of virgins to stay young. Of course, this is the 80s, y’all so there aren’t too many virgins left hanging around to slaughter and bathe in their blood, so Mama D wants Doctor Bloed to make her some synthetic blood so she can stay young.

Professor Bloed… there are no more wirgins…. damned Pill….

By this point the sound and film quality were so irritating I turned it off and let it sit on my desk for a few days because I couldn’t go any further. But eventually I went back in and this is what I got…

  • There’s something going on about the local pub and the pub master’s beautiful blond, large chested daughter that no one can deflower O_O. Eventually some old man gets the job done and everyone cheers and the pub blows up and someone yells “SABOTAGE!!!”
  • Later all of these bar characters are still alive so that must have been some deep, insightful imagery implying the reverse of a train going in and out of a tunnel?? Any guesses?
  • The vampire twins are two of the most irritating characters I have EVER SEEN. They going around basically saying ‘BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!” and screeching all of the time and even have a couple of disgustingly stupid song and dance numbers.
  • These two assholes also work at some sort of clothing store where one of them leads a young female into a stall and, after she takes off her shirt and shows her grainy sepia boobs, the other pops in and screams “WIRGIN????” and she passes out so they steal off with her.
  • There’s something going on involving the scientist and a man who is supposed to be the female maid.  They do some jogging and she grabs his butt and chases him around his lab…. HUH???
  • Towards the end, the townspeople storm the castle. Is that all that Transylvanians do? Go around storming castles?? Well they storm the fuck out of this one and – wait for it – wait for it – waaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiitttt – attend some sort of fashion show.

Our fashion show has been a smashing success boys!! Just smashing!!

And then the Constable’s daughter gets turned into a new Mama Dracula and she marries the twin idiots and they have a bunch of kids. The end. So sucky. What the fuck was this thing? This is a real turd but in the big picture, it’s still better than CLOSETS. I really made myself laugh earlier when I wrote something so let’s end on this note:

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