Like Banksy, Kindleman is somewhat of an enigma (and that’s not his real name). Unlike Banksy, the man-child who goes by Kindleman is one of my best friends with whom I have shared many adventures. Some of which include smuggling from Cuba to Miami crammed into the bilge tank of a medium sized fishing boat with 42 other emigres, being lost in the Catskills for months (forced to eat things that can’t ever be mentioned), playing a game of horseshoes on the White House lawn with someone who prefers to remain anonymous and once we stopped on an old dirt road and asked an old man for directions. “If you go any further down this road you’re gonna die” he threatened. Of course, we didn’t listen to that old fucker so we proceeded and we were both violently butchered by a sickle wielding maniac who fed us to his son and daughter for supper. Recently Kindleman sat down with THE IPC in his underground bunker to answer these burning questions.
THANK YOU KINDLEMAN FOR DOING THIS!!!!!
We’ve definitely had a LOAD OF FUN doing these since this debuted a month ago!! I honestly can’t believe the positive response!!! You are all so awesome!!! If anyone else is interested in doing this you can like this page or like THIS PAGE or leave me a comment or send me an email to email@example.com – I actually have a few of these in my pocket and everyone involved has claimed to have had a good time – so let me know : )
I gag uncontrollably when I brush my teeth, do you?
No, this has never been an issue for me – even when brushing the back of my tongue. However, on a related note…any time I hold anything in my mouth (like a pen or sunglasses) for more than 2 seconds I start gagging.
If your best friend or loved one turned into a shit eating vampire, would you stake them in the heart?
Wow…that’s some kind of ethical dilemma there. If it was my wife and she had the power to transform me into a shit-eating vampire I would try to go that route so we could stay together forever as shit-eating vampires. That would be fun. If it was a friend I’d stake them without much deliberation. You know…for the good of humanity. (ED: Especially
Chris LIL PEE PEE)
The Shining scared me so bad when I saw it as a kid that I can’t watch it again. Thoughts?
I read the book in high school and I can understand how the film would be disturbing to a kid. I mean…Jack Nicholson is a little scary even when he’s not in character. I saw the other day that there will be a sequel next year that will debut 9/24/2013. It’s about a grown up Danny. I think you should rent the original film, face your childhood fear, and REDRUM REDRUM REDRUM REDRUM REDRUM REDRUM REDRUM REDRUM…
You’re at a bar drinking Brandy with Jesus Christ (whatever your religious affiliation is or is not). What do you ask him?
- If you were to impregnate Mary Magdalene with a daughter, would she be considered the “Granddaughter of God”?
- Why is OK for Mexicans to name their male children “Jesus”, but not the rest of us? And do you think its a little weird that they pronounce it “Hey Zeus!”
- Do you find it a little creepy that of all the symbols your followers could choose to indicate their allegiance to you, they most often choose the instrument of your death?
John Leguizamo. Yes or no?
Yes, but with much less enthusiasm than if you’d asked about John Turturro.
Worst movie you’ve ever seen? Note: Anything by Uwe Boll is off the table.
Hmmmm…you know nothing really comes to mind. I don’t watch a lot of movies and am very particular about my choices. But my wife LOVES to go to the movie theater so I occasionally indulge her and go with her. We went to see “Cowboys & Aliens” and that was pretty damned crappy, though probably not the worst I’ve seen. I remember walking out of “Howard the Duck” after about 20 minutes way back when.
I have a blog friend who claims she doesn’t eat olives, what do you think about that?
I am glad to know I am not the only one. I detest olives and question their overwhelming popularity. My taste buds must be off or something.
Could you saw your own arm off with a pocket knife if you had to?
I believe most folks would if they were in a genuine life or death situation and that was the only way to stay alive. I sure hope I never have to find out, but if I do…I hope my knife is razor sharp. I also hope I have my smartphone and a cell signal so I can do some quick anatomical research and minimize the long-term damage.
If you could adopt an unorthodox pet (no cats or dogs, etc) what would you pick and what would you name him or her? I would pick a Giraffe and name him or her Sgt. Peppers.
I would like to have a howler monkey named “Dieter” so I could spend my days asking strangers, “Would you like to touch my monkey?”
You have to have a clock on your desk (no phones or computers). Do you go digital or analog?
Analog, but I require that it be absolutely silent and have a “sweeping” second hand. I can’t stand the incessant “tick-tick-tick” sound that a non-sweeping second hand makes. And I like the pictographic nature of an analog clock…you don’t really “read” the time like on a digital clock so much as you just glance and “see” the time.
What are your thoughts on the new trend of hat wearing?
I was unaware hat wearing was trending, but I just bought a really swell hat as a gift to myself for my 40th birthday. I love it and would like to see more men (and women) covering their heads with fashionable accessories. Here’s my hat, minus my head:
I am not a big fan of big, puffy vests because I don’t understand why you would only want your chest warm in the winter. Please provide your thoughts.
I don’t get it either and have been baffled by this since childhood. Vests like that always make me think of Marty McFly’s life preserver.
You walk into someone’s office at work and it’s clear they have just farted, what do you do?
I ignore it completely to save them embarrassment unless it is a good friend. In that case, I would get as many people as possible to enter the farter’s office and multiply their embarrassment.
Have you ever eaten a Turducken? If so, what did you think?
I haven’t, but it sounds foul. [rimshot!] Actually, I have always wanted to try one but don’t know if I would be able to because just hearing the word makes me envision a fat, greasy John Madden on Thanksgiving day.
Texting or calling? What is your preferred method of communicating with another human?
If what I need to communicate can be done with less than 5 sentences I will always text instead of call. I generally despise talking on the phone, unless I have had 4 or more stiff drinks and then I can get all kinds of drunk dialy.
and then –
Now that everyone basically carries a computer around with them everywhere they go and no one writes checks (or letters) anymore, how soon do you think it will be before handwriting is a thing of the past?
I believe that as long as humans communicate with symbols, they will use their hands and “analog” writing utensils to create those symbols. I believe that handwriting frequency among first-world humans has already decreased significantly due to the advent of the computer and mobile devices, but I don’t think it will ever disappear completely. It is too convenient and no extraneous power source is required. Printed books may be another story, but I do not believe we will see the end of those in our lifetime.
When I was a kid, my friends and I would drink the leftover pickle juice after finishing a jar. The other week I had some pickle juice and it made my stomach so upset I thought my insides were emulsifying. Have you done anything recently that you did as a kid that didn’t agree with you?
That sounds terrible. I can’t really think of anything that was fun/good/enjoyable as a kid that I’ve tried lately and didn’t enjoy. As far as food goes, I like everything I did as a kid and then some.
Do you still wear that Curling Club shirt I bought you with my hard earned money???
[sigh] No…and after I got this survey I went to my closet to find it and remedy the situation and cannot locate it anywhere. I fear it may be lost forever. But the joy I felt upon opening the package when it arrived will never be lost!!! If I lived where you do, I’d sign up in a heartbeat. (ed. note: since I ruptured that disc in my back I have had to retire from Curling. If we ever have the chance to fire up a squad I’ll be the coach and equipment manager!!!)
Do you remember when we were up at the top of the Continental Divide? Fuck that was hard to breath. Anyway, that night we played a card game called Phase 10. You said you hated it more than anything else and would never play it again. Do you still stick to that oath?
Good god I had forgotten all about that interminable, no-skill, is-this-ever-going-to-end nightmare of a game. I’m getting irritated just thinking about it. NEVER AGAIN!!! And by the way, that was one of the most enjoyable vacations I’ve ever had. We need to do that again soon. The white water rafting alone made the whole trip worthwhile. (ed: YES WE DO!!)
Lastly, across the hall from my office at work, there’s another office that two ladies share. They probably open and shut their fucking door 70 times a day. It’s the most irritating thing in my life. What do you suggest I do in this predicament?
Not knowing these ladies or your relationship with them, it is difficult to suggest a course of action, but trust me when I say that I feel your pain. I am overly-sensitive to those types of environmental distractions and will go to great lengths to end the suffering they cause. And again…not knowing these ladies this is tricky, but I would advise a direct approach. Inform them politely that their repeated opening/closing is affecting your ability to concentrate and that your work is suffering as a result. Propose a solution that would work for all parties: prop the door open, “muffle” the mechanism causing the noise, etc. Talk it out. Of course, the trouble with the direct approach is that if they refuse and you are forced to take more drastic action (like removing the door while they are away or welding it open somehow) they will know who to blame.