I watched this about seven or eight years ago I guess and I don’t remember really liking it too much. But that was seven or eight years and 2000 movies ago, so I thought I’d give it another shot. When I clicked add on NetFlix, I think I was thinking this was MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN with Franka Potente but that is actually a different movie and stars Bradley Cooper before he was “Mr. Abs Universe”. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen MEAT TRAIN but I think this is basically the same. Well – in TRAIN, Vinnie Jones goes around chopping people up and (I think) eating them. In this one, some crazy dude who makes rat noises goes around chopping people up and feeding them to his rats. I think. He chops one person up and feeds them to his rats. He also performs some sort of imaginary, deranged surgery on one woman’s – uh – er – hrrrmmm – womb. A couple of other people he just kinds of leaves lying dead around the joint and another two – well… I don’t know….
This was directed by Christopher Smith, the guy that did the wicked ass awesome TRIANGLE and then the mediocre ass BLACK DEATH. They say the best way to excel at anything is to constantly practice and that’s how we evolve, so hopefully my writing is better than it was when I first started doing this (even if my typing isn’t!!!!) – and it seems Smith is getting better with each attempt out (although I think BLACK DEATH just tried too hard and had a shitty, drawn out ending). But the thing with this, the thing is that I never really got in to anything in this, is the thing. A bitchy lady (Potente) gets trapped in the subways of London after they’ve closed (sorry if it’s not LONDON, Tyson – goddammit!!)? Are they really ABANDONED after hours? There’s just absolutely NO WAY OUT? That sounds preposterous… like P2.
OK – so she falls asleep in the terminal and wakes up and everyone’s gone. But there’s one last, empty train – got it. As she gets, on a mysterious figure sneaks on at the other end! The lights go out! AW SHIT! Hey, woah, it’s just the guy from the party she came from who just wants to do some raping. “See my cock?” He asks. “It’s like a penis, only smaller.” She replies. Attack, attack! I guess he sat there the entire time she was asleep waiting for just this moment. Oh well. For the next hour I wondered, even though I know the story is to whittle down characters through attrition, but why is the monster-sewer-creature-man-thing not killing or even chasing her? Then I kind of figured it out.
He either wants to make a baby with her or relive his own non-fatal abortion. Because I think that’s what he’s doing with that poor, unfortunate person two pics up. I think. There’s a ton of bottled up formaldehyde fetuses all over that set. I don’t know if they are his brothers and sisters but they’re there. I also don’t know how he’s so strong and can lift a man out of a train by just his head if he lives under the city in the sewers eating heroin riddled homeless people all day. Further, I don’t know why he killed all of the other males instantly but left the black dude who can’t swim caged up in the water for so long.
Oh well – you can’t win them all. If you are itching to watch a movie about people down in a wet, dark tunnel, my recommendation would be to go watch THE TUNNEL and skip this shit.