THE BONE DOCTOR is a GIANT of a man with hands that can easily kill you and arms that hug the life out of a person. He was also once a down and out, small time southpaw who got his one and only chance for self respect: when the heavyweight champion of the world visited Philadelphia. It was supposed to be an easy match for The Champ but someone forgot to tell The Bone Doctor and he fought for his life, taking Creed to the final bell in one of the most moving and inspiring boxing matches in history. These days, he’s done with all of that and lives his life with his family in some town north of me where we try and hit the Start Trek Expo every summer. Recently we sat down at this bar he likes to go to, smoked a bunch of cigarettes, drank a bunch of boilermakers and talked about these hotter-than-the-devil’s-poker questions.
THANK YOU BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!!!!!
This is really, still a lot of fun for me – and I hope for all of you too! You are all soooooo awesome!!! As always, I never want to be a bother to anyone, so if anyone else is interested in doing this you can like this page or like THIS PAGE or leave me a comment or send me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org – If you have “expressed” interest and I haven’t gotten back to you, I would never ignore you, it’s just that I want to do these one at a time and do them right – I will be getting back to you, promise : )
I gag uncontrollably when I brush my teeth, do you?
Yes I do…I’m convinced its cigarette jetsam left over from sleep apnea episodes.
If your best friend or loved one turned into a shit eating vampire, would you stake them in the heart?
I would go to the blood-consuming dark side and make the most of it, should be fun! I kind of have an immortality fetish and it doesn’t look like I’ll live long enough to take advantage of medical breakthroughs. Vampirisim is the only alternative I can see short of sitting on the event horizon of a black hole.
The Shining scared me so bad when I saw it as a kid that I can’t watch it again. Thoughts?
I had that experience with Alien when I was like 11…parents probably misjudged that one. Horror movies don’t bother me that much any more and I’m not really into them. If I were you I would watch it again, but every time there’s a scary part pretend its Homer Simpson saying /doing it…everything is better when it’s Homer.
You’re at a bar drinking Brandy with Jesus Christ (whatever your religious affiliation is or is not). What do you ask him?
Jesus, can I have a UFO?
John Leguizamo. Yes or no?
Worst movie you’ve ever seen? Note: Anything by Uwe Boll is off the table.
Eye of the Beholder with Ewan MacGregor and the Judd chick. The whole theater booed at the end. Horrendous.
I have a blog friend who claims she doesn’t eat olives, what do you think about that?
Out on black, in on green. When I was bar tending they were the most readily available snack.
Could you saw your own arm off with a pocket knife if you had to?
Yes, if the alternative hurt worse.
If you could adopt an unorthodox pet (no cats or dogs, etc) what would you pick and what would you name him or her? I would pick a Giraffe and name him or her Sgt. Peppers.
A Koala named Ben Stein. I think if a Koala turned human they would look like twins.
You have to have a clock on your desk (no phones or computers). Do you go digital or analog?
Analog, maybe steam punk.
What are your thoughts on the new trend of hat wearing?
I like hats, but my head is too big. One size does not fit all. (ED: Your head is a large one… : ))
I am not a big fan of big, puffy vests because I don’t understand why you would only want your chest warm in the winter. Please provide your thoughts.
I agree…same with sweater vests. The other side of that is the last thing I need is something to make my torso appear larger and my arms appear smaller. I’ve already got that covered. (ED: LOL)
You walk into someone’s office at work and it’s clear they have just farted, what do you do?
I like to make people feel comfortable so I would probably try to fart too and hope to not have to change my socks.
Have you ever eaten a Turducken? If so, what did you think?
Yes…probably is okay if I’m not the one cooking it. I got a frozen one from a local cajun place and I think I failed in the preparation. That’s all right though, we have plenty more Christmas dinners to make up for it. (ED: I had a turducken once…. ONCE….)
Texting or calling? What is your preferred method of communicating with another human?
Preferably a call…I have a time limit on texting and I pick up the phone. However, due to the nature of my job I’m on the phone a lot so I don’t hang on the phone for long periods of time either unless I’ve had a couple.
Bruce, you are the most intelligent person I have ever met in my life, I mean that. Mayan apocalypse next month, yes or no and please give details for our readers.
Given your intro on this question this is going to sound pretty simplified, so let me think of a complicated way to say No and wrap some bullshit around it. The flying spaghetti monster came to me in a dream and told me that the Mayans made a sudden leap forward in technology, leaving the stone and copper age behind and immediately went to digital record keeping. Thus their stone calendars immediately stopped being updated. This digital age lasted until there was an epic battle between rival extraterrestrial factions over Earth’s resources and humanity’s souls which ended with nuclear annihilation of much of the Earth’s surface. The resulting EMP wave destroyed all digital data and that’s why we don’t have the digital archeological records from the Mayans. The calendar is actually supposed to end December 22nd of 2012, not December 21st. All hail flying spaghetti monster. (ED: Excellent, I don’t want to miss another Trek Expo!!!)
Do you remember when we went and drank beer all day at Henry Hudson’s Bar and then I ate those greasy nachos and threw up on the ground and we put my chair over it and left? Then we went to pick up the girl I was seeing and I came out of her place of work and you were in the bushes and you told me you were camping. What are your thoughts on this slice of American Nostalgia?
I remember it as clearly as if it were 20 years ago and I was drunk at the time 🙂 That was one of the greatest days ever! Oddly enough, I think those two moments are the strongest memories….the rest isn’t quite so clear. I should probably not add that the plumbing facilities at that campground are not the most up to date I’ve ever encountered. And I still have occasional guilt pangs for the server at Hudson’s. I hope he had a snow shovel and a hazmat suit. (ED: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA if these folks only knew some of the things we’ve done…. “You’re saying I can have whatever I want in a sixteen ounce glass for happy hour?? I guess we’ll have whiskey straits…”)
Did you ever get that water line changed out on your toilet???????????
Of course not. I just don’t sit on it. (ED: )
Remember when we used to do these? What would it be if you were standing next to a person named Charlie who was eating water fowl and he threw up at you and you tried to avoid it but he got some on your pants and your dog licked it up and then you got laid and screamed out in ecstasy?
Chuck duck up chuck amock muck stuck pup yuck fuck whup?
(ED: CLOSE!! Chuck chuck duck duck suck suck fuck fuck!)
(ED: I wish I could remember the question to this answer: Shiek’s sleek sheath sheath sheet sleave.)
My theory on life and death is that we are all energy and travel in infinite circles, interacting with each other forever. Sometimes we are on different paths of the arc and we don’t interact but we’ll always meet and be together again. In this model, you and I have and always will be friends. What do you think of this?
I sure hope so, because I think in the next reality we meet in we’ll have some of the answers the questions we’ve been asking and there’s nobody else I can discuss them with! (ED: YEP! And that’s how we get smarter!)
In the past I have closed these things with a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone involved. Today I have a different closing statement for you:
YOU ARE THE BONE DOCTOR!!!! I AM NOT THE BONE DOCTOR!!!!! Twenty years ago when that girl followed us back to your place from that bar you said you wanted to “bone” her. I may have said some other comment (let’s keep this clean), but you said you wanted to “bone” her. Therefore YOU are THE BONE DOCTOR and I am not. I love you and you’re the best friend a man can have (aside from his wife).
Whatever Bone Doctor….I called you that the next morning, that was the first time the phrase was uttered by either one of us and I’m sticking by it. I love you too my brother!