Isaacs Picture Conclusions

THE CHURCH (1989) THREE TOP HATS

Apologies for those of you who got an email on this the day I was initially working on it. I have no idea what happened. I was adding some names in the tag field, turned to look at my other computer and WHAM my post was published… whatever!

Anyway – it’s post-holiday and post-birthday here in the U.S. and I when I was getting ready for work today I noticed the waistband for my pants sure have shrunk, damn washing machine!!! I hope everyone who does Thanksgiving had a nice one and that everyone who doesn’t is in good health and happy!

THE CHURCH starts off with our old friends and buddies the Knights Templar storming through a forest to some synthesizer en route to some village somewhere. There, they slaughter everyone, genocide style and dump their bloody corpses in a giant hole. They then fill the hole, drop a giant cross on it and build a church over the mass grave.  The only survivor of the massacre is a little girl played by Dario Argento’s (the producer) daughter Asia. The chief Templar sees her running away from the site of mass destruction and sticks a sword through her gut. “Ciao, baby!!” He utters. J/K.

Cut to 1989 and the church in question has just taken on a new librarian (not Argento) who falls for the local cutie who works there (also not Argento – she’s, like, 8, perv). But Argento is there too – she’s the daughter of the church sacristan who likes to sneak out at night and go clubbing. I am sure there is some sort of deep symbolism here by casting her as a kid in both centuries but that’s lost on me. Anyway, they’re renovating the church and one day, as always, a stone is removed in the catacombs below and there’s a big disturbance so the librarian and his squeeze head underground and – yep – find a centuries old piece of parchment that they decode one night after some almost sex.

By decoding this letter, he learns that there’s probably centuries old treasure buried under the building so he goes and  lifts up that cross I was telling you about earlier and – wouldn’t you just know it – he unleashes all sorts of trouble. Soon, everyone’s dying and there’s demon sex and all sorts of other symbolic madness that I don’t care enough to try and figure out.

Pop Pop horny, Michael. Pop Pop horny.

Does anyone know where that quote’s from?? Eventually the naked souls of the people unjustly slaughtered rise from their grave and then there’s the big finale, but after it’s all said and done I was left pretty unfulfilled and would guess that this probably worked better back in ’89. Oh well – now I need to figure out what to do about these shrinking pants…

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