I just watched this for the first time the other week. What the BLEEP BLORP??? You ask??? Well – it’s true. Like I’ve written before, I grew up an only child and spent a lot of time by myself. I can’t remember what year it was but my mom (a 70s disco-ey goer) got married to my dad (who adopted me) who was a strict Church-y Baptist. I was immediately indoctrinated into That Which Is Christianity and forbidden to watch things on TV that weren’t wholesome or educational. READ: I could watch anything on PBS (Doctor Who), The Fall Guy and The A-Team (etc) but no blasphemous KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK or things containing nude females or pot smoking. I did get to see a bunch of Clint Eastwood films and – this is a good memory of mine – the WALKING TALL series, but other than that, the family unit was pretty chaste.
Well – before that ended, one time my mom and dad went out for something or other and – being used to just watching whatever I wanted before The Dad came around – I liked being scared and had heard about this movie from the kids at school and it was on the new and extraordinary HBO so I put it on. I think I got about five minutes into it and the parents came home and my dad asked what I was watching and I told him and I got screamed at and got the shit spanked out of me and grounded for a month (no lie – that wasn’t uncommon) so I have never revisited this thing. By now you may or may not have read my INTERVIEW WITH WEDNESDAY’S CHILD where I remarked about how she was my first ever online friend and while she might not remember it because she has tons of online friends, she was the one that convinced me to get over it watch this for once and for all.
By the time I watched this I had seen THE EXORCIST 2 once and THE EXORCIST 3 is one of my favorite movies – seen dozens of times. Who, alive, doesn’t know what this movie is about? I knew all about it and had heard about it for years and years so I don’t think there was any way I was going to be surprised by anything that I was going to see. Blah blah blah – split pea soup, crucifix in the woo woo, levitation, the power of christ compels you and all of that. So – to me – when I watched this NOT as the-classic-that-scared-the-fuck-out-of-me-as-a-kid, I see it as a gritty, 70s movie that people had never seen the likes of before…. BUT….. I didn’t love it and I think THE EXORCIST 3 is a far superior piece of film making.
Aside from that last sentence, I thought this was OK – laughable at some points because of what we’ve all seen come hanging around since 1973 – but a decent movie. I am really not trying to piss anyone off or get attention by saying I didn’t love it the most and would be like “Yeah… sure…. I guess… it was good…. seen better…” and then get stabbed in the eye probably. There’s no point to bother trying to recap this or give anything up about it since everyone in the world knows all about this unless you happen to be a newborn baby or someone who lives in the jungle or a cat so I guess that’s all I’ve got. Not bad – seen better – luv ya mean it. This next picture is some total fan art that you can see who it’s by by hovering over the picture, but this poster is ALL awesome.
Now let’s move on to today’s guest speaker, the highly lauded, acclaimed and destructive Catalin from CINENEMA!
I hate Eric so much. I hate him with a red, hot, fiery passion. If I would start counting the many ways in which I hate him and in which I would end his life, we’d be here well after Emmerich’s 2012 happens.
However, I do hate myself more. I hate myself so much that…that…flames…on the side of my face…heaving…breathing…heaving breaths…I hate myself for accepting to do this Double Take with Eric. I hate Eric for making me watch again this horrible movie that I hate so, so much! And damn the universe because I found only the Director’s Cut!
I’ve always despised this movie immensely – I hated it as a child and I hate it now. I’ve never found it scary, controversial, creepy, spooky or intelligent and thought provoking. Sure, it’s interesting that a major studio agreed to do a film where a young girl plays the xylophone on her bearded clam with a crucifix or where a priest is called Merry Pippin (he’s actually called Merrin but, I hate the Lord of The Rings movies as much as I hate this one).
I know I might piss off a lot of people that love this movie but, frankly, I’m too exhausted to care: I’ve just had to watch it again in an extended version that drags on over two hours. I would have preferred to watch the second one – at least that one’s hilariously dumb. Or the third one which even after being cut and mutilated by the studio more than a Mexican whore in three lifetimes is still a pretty effective movie. Or, I would have preferred to sit through The Turkish Exorcist once more (for those who unfortunately have not seen it, here’s the IMDB link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072148/ ).
Most probably, you’re wondering why I hate it so much. It’s because I find it a vile piece of exploitation, trying to pass of as a deep, thought provoking piece about religion. Sure, I understand that I’ve never been able to watch it with the same eyes the audience watched it back in ’73. Sure, probably I have become desensitized to violence. Sure, probably the film is a masterpiece. Most likely, though, it is an overly pretentious, overblown artsy fartsy crapfest about religion, guilt, loss of innocence, tormented souls, doom and so on. I mean, R.E.M. made a song about it. Just check the facts that I have totally made up about the song “Losing My Religion”.
But enough ranting and raving. Instead of pouring bile all over it, I will do a little exercise I just came up with on the spot: trying to understand The Exorcist as if it were a different type of movie.
1. Exorcist – The Romantic Comedy
A hilarious story about two gay priests that arrive just in time to save a young lady from PMS-ing all over her house. Hilarity ensues with the help of gross-out gags (in 3D) and, in a scene reminiscent of The Sound of Music, the girls masturbates with a crucifix. Eventually, one of the priests falls in love, literally, with the possessed girl.
2. Exorcist – The Lady Gaga Musical
A high fashion, low brains musical written, starring and designed by Lady Gaga, featuring the vomit inducing hit “Judas”.
3. Exorcist – The Horror Film
An effective horror film, in the vein of The Last Exorcism which is actually thought provoking and has any actual value. Nothing we’ve seen in the actual movie, then.
4. Exorcist – The Disaster Movie
A series of earthquakes terrorize a young girl and make her sick. One hour and a half of character development and half an hour of action. Unfortunately, there’s no Victoria Principal running around with an awesome ‘fro. It would happen one year later, though.
5. Exorcist – The Porno
True, this has already been done. It’s not like nobody was expecting it to be turned into a porno.