“RANCHIE” is the assassin alias for one of my best friends. If he ever takes you out to dinner and he orders anything with an extra side of ranch dressing, be warned: you’re getting three to the chest, so get prepared for the next life. The majority of the time when I do these questionnaires, I send them out to friends I have met online, so I always try to be polite and professional and everything, because I don’t want to end up making anyone mad or offending anyone or any of that. Before you read on, you should know that Ranchie and I have been friends for a long time and we’ve done a lot of things together, often as loaded as a person can get, and these questions and answers are tailored to my good and close friend so they are…. well…. um… er…. well… “salty”, I suppose. I think everyone’s got some Blue Humor in them so, be warned if you continue to read on. I love all of You Good and Beloved and Cherished Readers, so don’t read on if you’re not in to drinking and boobs and pooping and sex.
I love these interviews SO much. I love interacting with YOU and – if you missed the post about the 2o13 interview questions, please check it out here. I want to ask you questions. I want to get your answers. I want you to promote yourself! These are extremely fun for me (and I hope YOU). I never want to be a bother to anyone, so if anyone else is interested in doing this you can like this page or like THIS PAGE or leave me a comment or send me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org – If you have “expressed” interest and I haven’t gotten back to you, I would never ignore you, it’s just that I want to do these one at a time and do them right – I will be getting back to you, promise : )
RANCHIE!!!!!! THANKS FOR DOING THIS!!!!!!!
I gag uncontrollably when I brush my teeth, do you even brush your teeth?
Define Brush. I gag as well and I’m not sure if it’s the toothpaste or the fact that I am brushing my uvula.
If your best friend or loved one turned into
a shit eating vampire, Todd, would you stake them in the heart?
So you’re telling me I can stake Todd in the heart? (ED: I am encouraging it!!!!!)
The Shining scared me so bad when I saw it as a kid that I can’t watch it again. Didn’t you crap yourself when you watched it??
Yes. I also crapped myself at the bowling alley on my birthday and The Shining wasn’t even on. (ED: It’s that fucking tap beer your drink from that god forsaken place…)
You’re at a bar downing Kraken Rum shots with Jesus Christ (whatever your religious affiliation is or is not). What do you ask him?
Is this cool? (Todd reference).
John Leguizamo. Would you blow him for 500 bucks???
I’m usually not into Puerto Ricans but, $500 bucks, Hell Yeah like my ad for my escort service says..I’ll fuck anyone for $20. (ED: Nods…)
Worst movie you’ve ever seen? Note: Anything by Uwe Boll is off the table.
Well I am a fan of most movies, even ones that people hate. But I will tell you that Australian movie Snowtown. Worst movie ever. I never turn a movie off but had to with that one. (ED: Double arching eyebrow nods…)
I have a blog friend who claims she doesn’t eat olives, what do you think about that? We once joked that your Peep is the size of an olive. Is this really true??
Next to my grapefruit sized nuts it looks like an olive, but if I had normal balls, it would probably look like a Vienna Sausage.
Could you chew your own arm off if you had to?
If I didn’t do it waking up next to Eve I guess the answer is no.
If you could adopt an unorthodox pet (no cats or dogs, etc) what would you pick and what would you name him or her? I would pick a Giraffe and name him or her Sgt. Peppers.
I would adopt a little person and call him Lil’ Help. That way if I need a beer opened or something I could say can I get a Lil’ Help here?
You have to have a clock on your desk (no phones or computers). Do you go digital or analog?
I would say digital so I could tell what time it was. So what do I do at my desk? Inspect clocks? (ED: You probably just sit there all day with your thumb up your anus)
What are your thoughts on the new trend of hat wearing? Screw that question – you, Chris and I once got drunk and produced a song called DAMN Y’ALL, THAT’S A DIRTY FINGER!! We thought it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. The next morning I got up and listened to it and it was not fit for human consumption. Should I post it here as a companion piece to this interview??
I would think not unless you want your blog shutdown. (ED: Sage advice…) But the instrumental version is AWESOME!! (ED: So true – we can pin all of the blame for our epic failure on Chris)
I am not a big fan of big, puffy vests because I don’t understand why you would only want your chest warm in the winter. Please provide your thoughts.
Well I think they are for the summer and you wear them unbuttoned and with no undershirt. With a chili dog and a six pack of Natural Light tallboys. So yeah I want one!!
You walk into someone’s office at work and shart, what do you do?
You calmly say I think I just pulled something. I need to go home and change my pants.
Have you ever eaten a Turducken? If so, what did you think?
I have not. I bird stuffed in a bird stuffed in another bird? Sounds like some weird daisy chain.
Texting or calling? What is your preferred method of communicating with another human? I prefer texting.
I used to think it was stupid when you could simply pick up the phone and get it all out in a minute or so. But now you can say stuff you normally wouldn’t say on the phone and then just say they didn’t understand the tone you meant.
and then –
Do you remember that time we went to the Store Club, got loaded and, when we were leaving, you fell down on Todd and he started crying and his lip was all flub flub flubbing and he said you broke his ankle??
That little bitch..Somebody stake him already… But that was hilarious. Low and behold years later he still has to take Lortabs because of that injury. (ED: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!)
Speaking of the Store Club, remember that time we closed it down and Todd brought that girl back with him and we all decided it was smart to go walking down the street naked at 3:00 in the morning and someone called the cops on us?? You were able to jump over that chain link fence, fully naked, but I couldn’t so I hid in the Fir Tree for an hour or so buck naked. I don’t remember – what happened to you guys down the street??
That was awesome. I guess I really didn’t want to go to jail or have that cop see my little olive. But after hiding for a few the cop wouldn’t leave so I covered up my junk and walked towards the house and said here I am I give up. He told me to go put some clothes on and I went and woke Todd up and said we were going to jail and he just rolled over and acted like nothing happened and went to sleep. Luckily, the girl that was with us took one for the team. She wrapped up in a blanket instead of putting her clothes on and the cop took her home. Thanks girl that everyone of our friends fucked. (ED: THAT’S RIGHT!!)
True story – the other day I got home from work and sat down for my Afternoon Constitutional. The dog – Toots – laid down on the mat next to me and I opened my book. Right when I felt comfortable the fucking doorbell rang and the dog freaked out and BLAM!!!! my stool was made. Have you ever had the shit scared out of you???
You can now say that scared the shit out of me. I haven’t that I know of. Must have been something scary at that bowling alley. (ED: Was it the fact that you bowled a 13??)
Who would you rather Make It with more, Paul Stanley or Peter Criss??? Please give your reasoning for our readers.
Paul Stanley. He kind of dances around like a lady already and He is the Star Child so that means he is out of this world. Whaaat???
Lastly, on my PROTOCOLS page this rule is written (in blood): Rule # 7: Chris should never enter Richie husband style even under the auspices of “colonoscopy”. It’s a shame that we ever had to make that rule in the first place but it had to happen. Is this till a problem????
The problem comes up every now and again..no pun intended. However, when in doubt refer to Rule # 7.