Is this considered a Classic?? Am I a heretic because I didn’t love it? To my defense – I saw this in the theater with ole LIL PEE PEE back when it came out and, while I don’t remember his reaction, I wasn’t that impressed. In fact I was so not-that-impressed that I have never seen ANY of the sequels. What – are there eight sequels? Nine with that new one? Anyway – I have been wanting to do another “Population Sample” – or an entire franchise – and I have been really struggling through three WRONG TURN movies so I saw most of these out there on Hulu and thought I would give these a shot. If there’s nine or ten of ’em, this will take forever but here we go anyway.
So, these two fuckers move back into whatshisface’s childhood home. It’s old and filled with roaches and mice and – shudder – it’s 1987 and there’s only one TELEPHONE — downstairs, in the kitchen. When it rings in the middle of the night, you have to get out of bed, put on your pajamas and go downstairs to answer it. How did we live like that?? The humanity!!! They move back into the house and find the rodentia, et cetera, and – messy evidence that his brother Frank had been squatting there, even though, in the opening sequence, he bought THE BOX from some Asian dude and was shown being ripped to shreds.
It also turns out that whatshername had been having super thrusty, moany, orgasmic The Sex with Frank and she would DO ANYTHING to keep him pounding away at her, up to and including murdering her husband. Further, we learn that the guy who played Frank was not at the top of his acting skills and that before they could kill her husband, he disappeared from her life forever leaving her heart broken.
As we continue to observe, we find that Coincidence has payed us a visit and – after Husband rips his hand to pieces on a rusty nail while moving a mattress and drips blood ALL OVER THE PLACE – we find that Frank is some sort of decayed piece of rotten flesh living (maybe??) under the floor boards of one of the rooms upstairs. Once “he” is SOAKED with the husband’s blood, he starts coming back to life involving some pretty gruesome special effects. Eventually the two lovers meet up again and, now that he is half the man he used to be, literally, he makes her live up to her promise of DOING ANYTHING for him: she needs to bring him some human sacrifices so he can use their humanness to reinstate himself as a man and they can get back to doing some more earth shaking pounding.
So she does and he becomes a man again and, sometime toward the end, the Cenobites show up. At an hour and a half this is about 110 minutes Cenobite-less which I thought was pretty lame. It was basically an adultery drama – with a zombie – and not Pinhead and his chums tearing people’s souls apart. I also forgot about that giant, plastic scorpion thing that really didn’t look very scary 25 years later and – I’m sorry – some of the dialogue that comes out of the Cenobites’ mouths is kinda funny. Like this:
Kirsty Cotton: Who are you??????
Pinhead: Explorers in the further regions of experience. Demons to some. Angels to others.
Pinhead: No tears, please. It’s a waste of good suffering.
Overall, for all of those video and movie poster covers I have seen over the years with Pinhead gracing them, I was really surprised that this was so Pinhead free. It was definitely gory and bloody and came before CGI blood, so I’ll have to give it that. Otherwise, nothing really impressed me too much so let’s keep our fingers crossed for the next one and hope it has more: