Isaacs Picture Conclusions

CREEP VAN (2012) THREE TOP HATS

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I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted to like a movie titled CREEP VAN. Like TOTES.  I so wanted to add this to the list of Where TF did this come from and why hasn’t anyone told me about it, like BLOODY BLOODY BIBLE CAMP or DUST UP. Or THE SLEEPER. The opening sequence was all kinds of exciting and so were the credits.  But then it just kind of got a little stale and I didn’t love the dialogue (how many times do I have to hear the word “man” in one hour and a half??), there was some weird stuff that just didn’t fit, I really didn’t like the Swami guy and I just never could get behind the lead no matter how much I tried. 100 top hats to the special effects crew – that was some gory, shit babies!!! But, overall, I was left – well – how do I put this – um – well – um – are you familiar with the term “blue balls” – let’s go with that AND QUEUE THE NEXT SENTENCE!!!!

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Here’s the lead who’s on screen most of the time. I’ve got no problems with Brian Kolodziej as Campbell with his flip phone (everyone has flip phones in this btw smart phone users) but – there sure was a LOT of him. There was also a LOT of talking – talking ending with the word “man”. I don’t want to be a dick to this movie because I think they tried and had a good time with it, it’s just  – well. How about this? Have you ever been having a hard day at work and you just want to slip outside and have a peaceful smoke and this lady comes out that you talked to once and she interrupts your peace ALL OF THE TIME and won’t quit running her goddamn mouth about things you don’t give one shit about and you can’t even leave because she won’t shut the fuck up fortheloveofchrist??? You know – those ten minutes aren’t the worst experience you’ve ever had in your life but it could have been a lot better…

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My favorite part of this entire movie is this shot – this couple is having some cowgirl sex on the couch when the creep van rams through the house and smashes into them. I love the position they have the actress posing. Nice touch!

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Another thing I really liked in her was this lady, although she’s not in it very long. She’s credited as “Irate Woman at Gas Station” and it looks like she’s going to be in that new send up of THE LONE RANGER with Johnny “What??? I’m not working with Tim Burton??? Oh it’s OK – it’s who directed me in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN” Depp. (Sorry, I’ve had some beers). Anyway, I really liked her.

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I guess I wish this had appealed more to me. I didn’t care for this guy with his different fetishes. I didn’t care for all of the talking. I didn’t care for The Swami. I didn’t care for the ending. I think that’s about it – I just didn’t care that much. CREEP VAN is good to look at but not very filling. Kind of like those ribs I had the other week at lunch at this new BBQ joint. They sure looked good but when I bit into them the rub had some sort of sweet spice in it and they were not-so-good. So I didn’t quite get full.  Good job getting your film made and released CREEP VAN people, it just wasn’t quite for me.

20 comments

  1. wordschat

    Love the line about being cornered on a break. Got that at lunch the other day. Can’t you see I’m eating you twit. I’ve been using Netflix for movies I wouldn’t pay ten bucks for. Try Cabin Fever 2:Spring Fever.

    Like

  2. Seems like a let down. I will skip it. And what is UP with those people that always want to come and bother when you want privacy/lunch/a cigarette?!

    Like

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