I’m going to forsake my normal style today for NIGHT OF THE TENTACLES – because this is not like the normal types of movies our group puts out here. According to IMDB, this was made for 1500 bucks, has a cast of five, the director did most of the work and mainly takes place in two apartments. I thought this was funny, campy, didn’t take itself seriously (which is ALWAYS a plus in my head) had plenty of sex (and some semen -ick), blood, Right and Proper British speaking, TENTACLES and a…. Satanic Heart That Must FEED – ON HUMANS!!!! This is totally NOT going to be for everyone, but it was all there for me (you should check this out Misty, like – TOTES) and I had a real blast.
So that guy is forced to listen to his two neighbors have poundy sex all night and then listen to his pregnant neighbor below – um – moan in masturbatory ecstasy while he – um – pleasures himself to her – um – screaming. He then has a heart attack and sells his soul to the devil:
for a new heart so he can, you know, like, totally go on living. I want to pause here and state that this totally reminded me of back in the 80s when a kid could walk a half mile to the “local non mega-corporation” video store (without fear of being killed) and find a copy of some R Rated schlock movie the clerk at the counter didn’t mind renting to you. Then, after The Creator (mom) would go to bed you could sneak downstairs and pop this in the VCR and enjoy some R Rated nastiness. That’s the kind of fun this stirred up in me.
Anyway – so Dave sells his soul for a new heart (without reading the fine print in his contract with Lucifer) and, soon after he receives it, it starts to talk to him with the finest British accent this side of Prince Harry. “I need to feed, Dave” it explains, “ON HUMANS!!!!” It doesn’t exactly go just like that but that’s the skinny. Before too long he hears a knock at the door and it’s his self-pleasuring downstairs neighbor:
who has heard he was sick so she brings him some brownies and they set up a date – aw smooch. Next up at his door is his upstairs neighbor (I think) who spends a ton of time on her toilet due to her diet and every time Dave flushes his own toilet it makes her bathroom walls rattle. “Don’t shit for a week” she commands, “or I’ll kill your dog!” With that in mind, he agrees to let his heart eat her – which it does – but that’s NOT ENOUGH! The heart must consume more!!
Without going in to every single thing that happens in here, the heart also eats his dog as a snack, he gets visited by the demon Belial who wants to “fart on him while he masturbates”, he has sex with the pregnant chick and we end with the ultimate Long Showdown which very much reminded me of the big fight Ash had with his own hand in EVIL DEAD 2. So – YEP – good fun for a guy like me but totally not for everyone. It’s VERY low budget and independent, so you know what you’re getting in to if you decide to go for it.
P.S. Never drink some grapefruit juice before you go to work and then decide to have a snack of the beef jerky “SLIM JIM: TABASCO” that expired in March 2012. Trust me on this one.