I want to go on record with this thing and admit that I have nothing but love for Liam Neeson and Luc Besson, I like Maggie Grace and I have always enjoyed D.B. Sweeney’s shit – but this movie from Olivier Megaton sucks it. I mean – the wife and I spent a lot of time LAUGHING during this – and this is in no way a comedy. Tons of other people have already written about this and I don’t think I remember reading anything relatively positive about it (and I have nothing to add in that direction) because Megaton and his cronies really stunk it up here. I haven’t seen any of his other movies but, he out-Bays Michael Bay with incessant 2 second cuts that were almost seizure inducing, the plot is stupid and unbelievable and the goddamn dialogue made us laugh and make fun almost the entire time. So, with that in mind let’s do this!
There are four writers credited with this, but let’s go with how this conversation must have gone between Luc B and Liam N:
LUC: Liam. We made an enormous of of money when your daughter and her friend were taken. Do you understand the words that I am speaking to you, Liam? It is critically and fatally important that you listen to me. If you don’t listen to the exact words I am saying, and pay complete and total attention to these words, Liam, our bank accounts could fail to expand. Liam, can you acknowledge these words? This conversation, you must acknowledge or I could be facing certain fiscal death. Can you acknowledge? It is imperative that you respond. Any non response could be fatal.
LIAM: I understand these words, Luc. I do. I understand them. I have placed the phone to my left ear, my left – not my right – and listened to the words coming out of your mouth, sent my way over digital frequencies. The modulation has been broadcast clearly and I have processed them through millions and millions of neurons firing away constantly in my brain. My brain is enclosed in my cranium, Luc, and my ear is located outside of that, a part of my flesh. I am holding the phone to my ear at a 67 degree angle, applying just the right pressure to avoid making the palm of my hand sweat, and to not cause my ear to become a burdensome red. A 68 degree angle could be the catalyst to a fatal situation, one in which my publicist, my publicist who you have eaten dinner with, Luc, my publicist might be driven to commit murder before my photo shoot in exactly 637 seconds, not one second more or one second less.
LUC: Liam – it is critical that you liste-
LIAM: Luc, I know that I have taught you on the call waiting function of your UMTS wireless device. I must tell you now, right now, not one instant sooner or one instant later – anything else could be fatal – that my co-star, you are familiar with her, Maggie Grace, is calling me. I need to insert her into this telephone voice call, a function that will only take me one to two seconds, no more no less.
GRACE: Yo, Ne’ – ‘SUP?????
LIAM: MARGARET!!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR USELESS CONTRACTIONS AND TERRIBLE COLLOQUIALISMS!!!! I NEED YOU TO LISTEN TO ME AND LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW!! Now… now… listen. I have just connected your incoming voice call with an existing voice call I am having with Luc Besson, you’ll remember Besson from our work in TAKEN, do you remember? I must know if you remember. This is a very critical point on our ives. Tell me, tell me right now, DO… YOU… REMEMBER????
GRACE: Uh… yesssssssssssssssssss…..?? I’m looking at the script for the sequel….
LIAM: Sequel? What are you talking about, Margaret? Now is the time to be serious. This is not the time to be flippant. I need to know what you are saying. What are these words? Time is about to run out for this phone call. In exactly 38 seconds, I am to appear before a throng, yes throng, of paparazzi and reporters.
LUC: That’s why I called you, Liam. That is the purpose of this call. Liam, I
(and in THIS movie, cell phone disconnects get dial tones – SIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHH)
And our man laughs all the way to the bank, lighting his cigars with 100 dollar bills. No offense, my man, but this was awful and, honestly, I don’t know which was worse, this or BATTLESHIP. Better luck next time!!