Isaacs Picture Conclusions

THE WRONG TURN PENTOLOGY

Howdy and welcome to another version of what I like to refer to as a “Population Sample” or – all of the movies of a franchise in one place. If you were eager to see some of the others I’ve done, to the left and under the beautiful header picture, there’s a link to the POPULATION SAMPLES page. Some of them are long reads but I would only LOVE IT if you’d check them out (looks like I need to do some updating on my GIALLORAMA page…)

Some history on this post. I started writing this fucking thing almost a year ago and then got through number 2 somehow and TYSON posted THISand I was all FUCK THIS but then my OCD kept eyeballing this draft forever and I made the determination to muscle my way through these things. Anyway – here you go : ) All five WRONG TURNs for your viewing pleasure.

WRONG TURN (2003) THREE TEETH

My next effort to work out an entire franchise is going to be the Wrong Turn films with their cannibalistic, inbred, toothless, primal gurgling, West Virginian, hillbilly family and all of that. To start this, I can say that I’ve only ever seen this first one so I don’t know what to expect with the other four, so I’ll keep my fingers crossed and my teeth brushed and flossed and stay out of the woods. Speaking of West Virginia, the football team joined the Big XII conference this year which means they’ll be coming here every other year, so I’m putting out fair warning: don’t fuck with me toothless, hillbilly cannibals, my dog bites!!

To me, this had something going for it when I went to see this in the theater: Desmond Harrington, Eliza Dushku, Dolphin Killer Jeremy Sisto and a pretty good TV spot. I can’t say I was disappointed with this – the action was good and so was the acting, the kills were fairly gory and the characters didn’t make stupid decisions, but we do have to deal with monstrous, deformed, snaggletoothed, filthy, howling, disgusting cannibal hillbillies. When I think of backwoods livin’, I think of those bastards who fucked poor ole Ned Beatty in Deliverance and if we are to believe that a few generations of inbreeding have produced these monstrosities, well, that must be some horribly bad sperms. Bad sperms!! Bad!! I thought everything looked good (except the bad guys) and the other three people that had any screen time were not too bad (Emmanuelle Chriqui, Kevin Zegers and super hottie Lindy Booth), the sets were cool, the forest was shot well and the props were gross, but overall I think Wrong Turn was just ok – maybe on the high end of the 3 TH Spectrum, Stacy. : )

The story here isn’t new – some city folk make their move into the wrong neck of the woods and end up getting chopped up and eaten for supper. and breakfast. and lunch. and tea break. and smoke break. and at the church pot luck. what? oh – yes… so six attractive people all take the wrong turn in West Virginia tree country, a couple of them get quickly butchered and the others try and survive, peace out! This actually has some pretty tense moments, effective gore and slurp-squish-chomp sound effects. The characters don’t all make stupid decisions and I wish Arrington was in more shit that I watch – he’s a pretty good actor. Here’s a public message to Lindy Booth – please be in more stuff! THANKS!

I think that’s it – not FUCKINGAWESOMEGREAT!!!! but not too bad. Last – I guess I lied – I do think I saw the second one – if it’s what I am thinking of with Henry Rollins, but I don’t remember much about it.

WRONG TURN 2: DEAD END (2007) THREE TEETH

So, as far as blood and guts go, this one is significantly bloodier and guttier than the first.  I would probably say the “acting” was better in Numero Uno and maybe the “atmosphere”, but this one looks better, has a ton more deformed hillbillies, more blood, more guts, a pair of boobs, deformed hillbilly incest sex, deformed hillbilly birth, deformed hillbilly nuclear family, Henry Rollins and exactly one shitload of gross cannibalism human eating. If you’re really thinking about investing your time in this franchise, it’s safe for me to tell you that the second doesn’t rely on the first for any sort of continuity.

I have never been a big fan of Henry Rollins but he’s probably the best part about this, with his one liners and a return to his Blag Flag screaming days. My memory only recalls that the last time I saw him he was wearing pink women’s sweatpants in the original FEAST. This time around he’s an ex-marine who leads a reality TV show about surviving the apocalypse.  Along for the game this time around are some semi-good looking people who are: the horny guy, the lesbo in fatigues, the black jock, the slut, the quiet girl, and the show’s producer who is so mousy that I am very surprised this character would be able to produce anything.  There’s also about twelve deformed hillbilly cannibal motherfuckers that can’t be killed and are super strong and have sex with each other up to and including one of them beating their meat out in the woods. How’s that for awesome?

I am sure you have either lived this or been there done that but: the people I mentioned all go out into the woods and become supper for radioactive waste bred humanoids. There’s a little explanation this time around: the local paper mill was dumping radioactive waste into the water supply, everyone mutated and the animals all died so they have to eat people. IT’S PEOPLE!!!! IT’S PEOPLE!!!! Usually raw… stupid hillbillies. Don’t you know that eating undercooked people can lead to damaging stomach problems up to and including loose stool and oily discharge? Sheesh. You hillbillies are so dumb!

There we go. Wrong Turn 2. I think it’s better than the first but not by much.

WRONG TURN 3: LEFT FOR DEAD (2009) ONE ROTTEN, DECAYED TOOTH

WRONGTURN3

This movie was a real piece of shit. I mean = wretched. The acting was TERRIBLE, the dialogue ridiculously stupid (and irritating), the “gore” was all comic looking CGI,  it was way too long, NOTHING was remotely believable and this just sucked all the way around from start to finish. Well, I suppose the actual opening scene was OK because this girl in the blue decides to take her top off.

WRONGTURN3b

There’s nothing wrong with that but a couple of minutes later she’s gored through her left boob – CGI style – with a spear. What a shame. The bastard then comes laughing and squealing and running down the beach like the mother fucker he is, pops her eyeball out and eats it. +_+. From that point on the entire movie is a long chase scene with one hillbilly bastard killing off everyone. Oh wait – I forgot to mention he has a hillbilly kid that was laughingly stupid. Oh yeah, there’s also a bunch of irritating prisoners on the loose. So dumb.

WRONGTURN3D

I really don’t even want to keep talking about this because it was so stupid. I started doing this compilation in the summer of 2012. Today is December 18 (2012) and I am so discouraged that I have no idea when this will be finished, if ever. I know I have the fourth one queued up in Netflix but I kind of hope it never shows up. My man TYSON says the 4th one is pretty sucky too but the 5TH is somewhat of a redemption. I guess we’ll – maybe – see.

WRONGTURN3c

WRONG TURN 4: BLOODY BEGINNINGS (2011) THREE TEETH

WRONGTURN4A

I’ll go ahead and say that this was easily my favorite of these four fucking movies – but that’s not saying a lot. What stood out for me was that scene somewhat after the opening when all of the crazy fucking inbred hillbillies break free and go crazy and that Blue Danube waltz is playing over their carnage. There’s also a scene in the auditorium that I thought was pretty cool and then, the end really made me happy – you who have seen this know what I am getting at. But let’s make no mistake – this isn’t GREAT and there’s nothing remotely exciting happening like that poster indicates.

There is some of this:

WRONGTURN4B

and some of this:

WRONGTURN4C

a little bit of this:

WRONGTURN4D

a dash of this:

WRONGTURN4E

some of this:

WRONGTURN4F

and even some of this:

WRONGTURN4G

But that’s about it. I think those pics sum up everything you need to know about this and we’ll set our sights on number 5 that TC says is good.

WRONG TURN 5: BLOODLINES (2012) TWO TEETH

WT5A

TYSON is a LIAR!!!! This was awful and I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited for a project to be over. I have HAD IT with these fucking hillbillies! NO MAS! Out of the four or so “Population Samples” (entire franchises) I have done, this was the least fun all the way. It saddens me think that there’s a WRONG TURN 6 coming our way in the future. : (

WT5B

This one takes places mostly during the day so we get to see close ups of these fuck-faces quite a bit and, I mean, c’mon. I am not really sure of the timeline here but the three fuckers that made it through the 4th film (the prequel) are now 50 years older and living with their dad (Doug Bradley / Pinhead – uttering such Pinhead lines as LAST… SUPPER and YOU’RE… ALL… GOING… TO… DIE… TONIGHT…) out in the woods, killing people, butchering them and eating them – YAWN.

WT5C

The setting is some sort of Hillbilly festival where everyone dresses up like toothless mother fuckers and celebrates the brutal murder of their ancestors by – yup – a group of barbaric hillbillies (why WOULDN’T they celebrate that – makes sense!!) In come some horny, pot smoking, stupid teenagers to get slaughtered in situations that make no fucking goddamn sense and then it’s over. The three brothers do a LOT of squealing and grunting and eating sticky props and then everyone’s dead and they set up a shitty sequel. This is how I feel about that after spending around ten hours on this shit:

WT5D

Peace out on the Wrong Turn series and THANK YOU FOR READING!!!

45 comments

  1. You linked to my homepage bit again, you just need to click it one more time, not giving the review its views man! Think REC 3, all that time wasted 🙂

    That aside, thanks for the mentions. I apologise I delayed this for you, and LIED about part 5, which I still stand by my opinion that it is better than 3 and 4. Excellent write up and you always make me laugh dude. I Stumbled the shit out of this, cos thats how I roll 🙂

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  2. davecrewe

    Nice reviews! I too binged on these recently and wrote them up on my blog – mostly inspired by Tyson’s post. I thought 5 was an improvement on 4 and 3 (though none of those films were great) mostly for the super-dark ending.

    Number 2 was my favourite by far: funny, full of over-the-top gore and as you mentioned, a great Henry Rollins character.

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  3. All these fucking wrong turns are so AWSOME 1-5 was AWSOME I watched the all over and over again I can’t wait until wrong turn 6 I already watched the wrong turn:6 return cast video over and over again love all the wrong turn people and the movies

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  4. I love all of the cannibals oh and did u all no that their is goin to be a new cannibal on wrong turn 6 he is called three-fingers watch the wrong turn 6:return cast

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  5. Let me start of by saying that your humor is HILARIOUS! I just kept laughing every time I read “toothless mother fuckers”. Anyways, back to the ‘Wrong Turn’ franchise review, i totally agree with your opinion on ‘Wrong Turn’ and ‘Wrong Turn 2’ – good actors, good gory, intense with suspense and the sex-scenes were normal for a horror film (not too graphic). However, ‘Wrong Turn 3’ and everything after that is where everything went down the damn hillbilly hill for me. The sex-scenes were much more graphic, the sceneries sucked, the actors sucked, the gory sucked, the plots sucked, basically low budget films 101, oh and that also includes ‘Wrong Turn 4’. Now here’s where my hatred comes in, ‘Wrong Turn 5’ was horrible, but not in the sense of frightening or scary, more like in the sense of complete boredom. Above all, I think the 5th film had more sex scenes than anything else! In my opinion, if a movie or film has too many sex-scenes, my conclusion is that they were trying to compensate for something. This might be entertaining for the male viewers, but not for me. I find it completely stupid and a waste of time. After watching ‘Wrong Turn 5’ I can honestly say I didn’t feel sorry for any of the characters (they deserved death).and I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t a bad movie, it was more like a really bad porno. Enough said.

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