Isaacs Picture Conclusions

THE DOUBLE FEATURE: THE VACANCY DUET

VACANCY (2007) THREE TOP HATS

VACANCY1

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these double features… I suppose I was pre-disposed to liking this because I am a big fan of Luke Wilson and – HELLO – AHEM – Kate Beckinsale – but, even when I watched this years ago (and the other day) I thought this was very – um – clunky and they didn’t do well together and the dialogue was kind of unbelievable and, in the end, both times, I am left unfulfilled. Wilson and Beckinsale have horrible chemistry for two popular actors and I never believed in them once.

VACANCY4They bicker and argue and gripe and moan and check in to the hotel and bitch and cry and then they start getting harassed by people pounding on the wall. But their car is broken down so they can’t leave so Wilson gets the manager (Frank Whaley) in on the situation. Eventually they sit down to watch TV and – for some reason these videotapes are sitting around available for everyone?? – he pops one in and it’s a snuff film. Filmed in the room they are in!! AW SHIT!

VACANCY2

Not wanting to make their own movie, they decide to get the fuck out of there but they can’t because two dudes are violently doing their best to prevent that activity.

VACANCY5

There’s really not a lot that happens in this movie that’s worth talking about. It’s better than NOTHING, I suppose, like when you have nothing to eat for dinner so you break out a frozen package of bacon, thaw it, cook it up and eat a pound of pork before bed and then have nightmares all night: it’s better than NOTHING. Once was probably enough for this bad boy so let’s go ahead and move on.

VACANCY3

VACANCY 2: THE FIRST CUT (2008) THREE TOP HATS

VACANCYTFC

Slightly less interesting than the first one, cutey Agnes Bruckner comes around and does some screaming. In this prequel, we are introduced to the schmucks that started it all!!! if you give a shit. Some motel managers (at a different roadside stop) like to film people doing it. One night they catch some dude murdering a hooker on tape. So what do they do? They let the killer convince them that there’s more money in making snuff films than porn so they let him off the hook and decide to do some killin’.

VACANCYTFC2

In roll Bruckner and her fiance and a miserable character of their wise-talking friend. In a set up that’s not to be believed for one second, much less two, their friend goes on a walk in the middle of the night and then sneaks in to the room next to theirs. SCARY SHIT!!! Not. Unable to sleep he turns on the TV and – for some stupid reason – his TV is broadcasting the events going on in Bruckner’s room. Since he’s such a stand up guy, he DOESN’T watch them get it on and goes over and alerts them. -_-

VACANCYTFC3

Soon, they’re all running around like idiots and someone gets killed and then someone makes a mask out of an air filter and then some more people get killed and eventually someone is caught on fire but lives and they set up the intro for the first one. You will take a trip to Yawnsville with this one ———— but it’s better than nothing.

VACANCYTFC4

But that’s just my opinion on two mediocre movies. I watch a lot of shitty movies out here – to protect you, The Most Beloveds – and you can do a LOT worse than these two movies, I promise. If you’re ever really bored, say, stuck in jail or laid up in a hospital in one of those full body casts with your arms and legs suspended in the air, these could be a potential time fillers. In any case, I would imagine that watching either of these movies is better than getting banged and then carved up by some trucker in a hotel in the middle of nowhere. Did I just write that? WHAT????

VACANCYTFC5

30 comments

  1. davecrewe

    Haha, this is pretty much what I assumed these films would be like. Just kinda…there. I may still end up watching them because, well, they’re there…

    Like

    • theipc

      Not brilliant – definitely not. They’ve made two or three “Killer Bong” movies – those can’t be good, right????

      Freeze bacon? For sure – I freeze basically everything but fresh produce. The wife and I have different tastes so the deep freeze is a good thing!

      Like

  2. Hey, Eric, I found the header with the house and what you originally thoughtbwas fire. I see it! I see it! It’s someone’s back and head! I think it’s a woman but I’m not sure.
    That was fun, like a treasure hunt!
    😀

    Like

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