Welcome again to another wonderful installment in our Interview sessions. This is Part One with BRIAN from HARD TICKET TO HOME VIDEO – one of my FAVORITE places on the net!! For real – I eagerly await 3:00 (my time) every day because we get a piss-your-pants funny post! If you don’t already, you HAVE to check them out!! Before we begin, I should let you know that Brian was once a wooden puppet whose best friend was a cricket. Somehow, a blue fairy brought him to life one night and he worked hard to fulfill his dream of becoming a real boy. Eventually he stopped lying and his wish came true so he dumped the filthy, stinking cricket and made friends with another real boy named BRAD and together they run one of the funniest blogs I’ve read. Recently the three of us sat down in their woodcarving studio – with all of their creepy dolls staring at me!!! – and answered these series of questions that are going to burn hotter then JT Week on Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night Talk Show reruns!!
Damn, these things are fun and, if you’re interested in participating, you can pick from the 2012 set or the 2013 set or BOTH! On the left of this page, under the beautiful header picture (in a web browser), are links to past interviews, please check them out and fall in sweet, sweet love with past participants!! I never want to bother anyone so just let me know if you want to participate!! Like this page or like THIS page or leave me a comment or send me an email to email@example.com. As always, if you’ve expressed interest and I haven’t gotten back to you, I would never ignore you, I am just slow and deliberate and try to do things one at a time and do them right the first time – I PROMISE I will get back to you. All my best – ei.
THANK YOU BRIAN FOR DOING THIS!!!
Only if I’m looking at myself in the mirror when I do it. But I smashed all the mirrors in my house during that week I thought I was a bird.
You mean a vampire that has an insatiable hunger for shit instead of an unquenching thirst for blood? That’s no way to live, so yes, I would put them out of their misery, but probably after I gave them one last turd to eat on their way to hell.
I’m with you, I could never bang girls who looked like Shelley Duvall or Scatman Crothers for years after watching it. But I finally overcame that at age 12 when I banged the real Shelley Duvall while Scatman Crothers sat in the front seat of the car and looked me in the eye the entire time. Or was that Shelley Winters? Oh yeah, it was both!
“Since you died on a cross, the symbol of your church today is a cross. But what if you’d been stoned to death, or eaten by wolves? Would Christians be wearing rocks around their necks, or would there be big snarling wolf statues on top of churches?”
LeguizaNO! I guess he’s tolerable when he’s not openly trying to be obnoxious. But has he been in anything besides Ice Age in the past 15 years?
Ghoulies. There is absolutely nothing good about that god damn garbage. Nothing makes sense, it’s not fun to watch, and the ending involves a wizard trying to make out with his son to absorb his magick. So it reminds me of some unpleasant childhood memories. (ED: EWWWWWWWWWWWW)
Probably some kind of night demon, maybe a lady chupacabra. They hate olives and American freedom.
I was born with my arm, and I’ll die with my arm. Everything I have, I owe to this arm. It still smells like Shelley Duvall. (ED: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW)
A bat named Pat that wears a hat and is way too fat.
What the fuck am I doing at a desk with no phone or computer? Anyway, analog, because I like the sound the numbers make when they flip. Although that may drive me nuts after a while because I’m just sitting at this bare desk doing absolutely nothing. Am I in a time out?
I’ve been thinking about getting some kind of signature hat to wear, like a bowler or a fez or a porkpie and wear it all the time so people say, “There goes Brian with that god damn stupid hat.”
Marty McFly wore a big, puffy orange vest. Are you questioning America’s greatest time traveler??! *walks out of interview*
*walks back in because he remembers there’s free pie*
OR they’re a shit-eating vampire, and the smell is coming from their mouth! So, obviously, I’d have to kill them. But then it turns out they were human all along, and really did just fart. But I’m promoted because my boss likes the way I take charge and handle myself in a crisis. Hmm, sounds like vampire talk…
First off, why would you name something and start it off with “turd-”? Wouldn’t Chiduckey have been a much cuter and more pleasant name? Or Duckturken? Or Churkuck? Or Turchiduck? Or Duchiturkey? Nope, never eaten it, although I’ve eaten the three beasts involved separately, believe it or not.
Definitely texting. I hate talking on the phone. I like to answer at MY pace, not yours! You hear me?? ANSWER ME!!
Word is that you live in the New Jersey (U.S.) area – I just finished watching a movie called The Prowler that was filmed there. What part did you play in the production of that movie???
I was Assistant Blood Freezer. They also used me as an expert on prowling and to berate the actresses into getting naked.
I’d warn Sir George Carteret not to get plutonium from Libyan nationalists, but if he must do so, wear a bulletproof vest, and hope they don’t shoot you in the face. Or maybe conduct your time-traveling experiment in someplace a little less public than a mall parking lot.
Well I’m a little biased on this one because I use to dated Ellen Travolta on and off for several years until she tried to have me killed because I was cheating on her with Judith Light. But looking back on it I’d have to say Willie Aames because he was BibleMan and BibleMan RULES.
Both, because it makes me wonder what if someone couldn’t see flesh tones? Would everyone be invisible? Even Willie Aames?
Lastly, for this installment, I read an article in Entertainment Weekly the other day that you and Brad were spotted at The Whiskey, after the Academy Awards, doing your best synchronized, horse riding Gangnam Style all around the bar. Further, you got so carried away you rode your horse right in to Channing Tatum and “there was a scuffle”. Care to comment on your Gangnam Style moves????
You heard that all wrong. I got drunk on whiskey and rode Carol Channing like a horse while we watched Tatum O’Neal “hang ham,” which is our funny little code-phrase for… wait, do kids read this? (ED:EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW)