Isaacs Picture Conclusions

ISAACS INTERVIEWS BRIAN FROM HARD TICKET TO HOME VIDEO (PART 1)

IIMIC_2013

Welcome again to another wonderful installment in our Interview sessions. This is Part One with BRIAN from HARD TICKET TO HOME VIDEO – one of my FAVORITE places on the net!! For real – I eagerly await 3:00 (my time) every day because we get a piss-your-pants funny post! If you don’t already, you HAVE to check them out!! Before we begin, I should let you know that Brian was once a wooden puppet whose best friend was a cricket. Somehow, a blue fairy brought him to life one night and he worked hard to fulfill his dream of becoming a real boy. Eventually he stopped lying and his wish came true so he dumped the filthy, stinking cricket and made friends with another real boy named BRAD and together they run one of the funniest blogs I’ve read. Recently the three of us sat down in their woodcarving studio – with all of their creepy dolls staring at me!!! – and answered these series of questions that are going to burn hotter then JT Week on Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night Talk Show reruns!!

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Damn, these things are fun and, if you’re interested in participating, you can pick from the 2012 set or the 2013 set or BOTH! On the left of this page, under the beautiful header picture (in a web browser), are links to past interviews, please check them out and fall in sweet, sweet love with past participants!! I never want to bother anyone so just let me know if you want to participate!! Like this page or like THIS page or leave me a comment or send me an email to ei@theipc.meAs always, if you’ve expressed interest and I haven’t gotten back to you, I would never ignore you, I am just slow and deliberate and try to do things one at a time and do them right the first time – I PROMISE I will get back to you. All my best – ei.

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THANK YOU BRIAN FOR DOING THIS!!!

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I gag uncontrollably when I brush my teeth, do you?

Only if I’m looking at myself in the mirror when I do it. But I smashed all the mirrors in my house during that week I thought I was a bird.

If your best friend or loved one turned into a shit eating vampire, would you stake them in the heart?

You mean a vampire that has an insatiable hunger for shit instead of an unquenching thirst for blood? That’s no way to live, so yes, I would put them out of their misery, but probably after I gave them one last turd to eat on their way to hell.

The Shining scared me so bad when I saw it as a kid that I can’t watch it again. Thoughts?

I’m with you, I could never bang girls who looked like Shelley Duvall or Scatman Crothers for years after watching it. But I finally overcame that at age 12 when I banged the real Shelley Duvall while Scatman Crothers sat in the front seat of the car and looked me in the eye the entire time. Or was that Shelley Winters? Oh yeah, it was both!

You’re at a bar drinking Brandy with Jesus Christ (whatever your religious affiliation is or is not). What do you ask him?

“Since you died on a cross, the symbol of your church today is a cross. But what if you’d been stoned to death, or eaten by wolves? Would Christians be wearing rocks around their necks, or would there be big snarling wolf statues on top of churches?”

John Leguizamo. Yes or no?

LeguizaNO! I guess he’s tolerable when he’s not openly trying to be obnoxious. But has he been in anything besides Ice Age in the past 15 years?

Worst movie you’ve ever seen? Note: Anything by Uwe Boll is off the table.

Ghoulies. There is absolutely nothing good about that god damn garbage. Nothing makes sense, it’s not fun to watch, and the ending involves a wizard trying to make out with his son to absorb his magick. So it reminds me of some unpleasant childhood memories. (ED: EWWWWWWWWWWWW)

I have a blog friend who claims she doesn’t eat olives, what do you think about that?

Probably some kind of night demon, maybe a lady chupacabra. They hate olives and American freedom.

Could you saw your own arm off with a pocket knife if you had to?

I was born with my arm, and I’ll die with my arm. Everything I have, I owe to this arm. It still smells like Shelley Duvall. (ED: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW)

If you could adopt an unorthodox pet (no cats or dogs, etc) what would you pick and what would you name him or her? I would pick a Giraffe and name him or her Sgt. Peppers.

A bat named Pat that wears a hat and is way too fat.

You have to have a clock on your desk (no phones or computers). Do you go digital or analog?

What the fuck am I doing at a desk with no phone or computer? Anyway, analog, because I like the sound the numbers make when they flip. Although that may drive me nuts after a while because I’m just sitting at this bare desk doing absolutely nothing. Am I in a time out?

What are your thoughts on the new trend of hat wearing?

I’ve been thinking about getting some kind of signature hat to wear, like a bowler or a fez or a porkpie and wear it all the time so people say, “There goes Brian with that god damn stupid hat.”

I am not a big fan of big, puffy vests because I don’t understand why you would only want your chest warm in the winter. Please provide your thoughts.

Marty McFly wore a big, puffy orange vest. Are you questioning America’s greatest time traveler??! *walks out of interview*

*walks back in because he remembers there’s free pie*

You walk into someone’s office at work and it’s clear they have just farted, what do you do?

OR they’re a shit-eating vampire, and the smell is coming from their mouth! So, obviously, I’d have to kill them. But then it turns out they were human all along, and really did just fart. But I’m promoted because my boss likes the way I take charge and handle myself in a crisis. Hmm, sounds like vampire talk…

Have you ever eaten a Turducken? If so, what did you think?

First off, why would you name something and start it off with “turd-”? Wouldn’t Chiduckey have been a much cuter and more pleasant name? Or Duckturken? Or Churkuck? Or Turchiduck? Or Duchiturkey? Nope, never eaten it, although I’ve eaten the three beasts involved separately, believe it or not.

Texting or calling? What is your preferred method of communicating with another human?

Definitely texting. I hate talking on the phone. I like to answer at MY pace, not yours! You hear me?? ANSWER ME!!

~ and then ~

Word is that you live in the New Jersey (U.S.) area – I just finished watching a movie called The Prowler that was filmed there. What part did you play in the production of that movie???

I was Assistant Blood Freezer. They also used me as an expert on prowling and to berate the actresses into getting naked.

Speaking of New Jersey, I found this on the web: Origin of the Name New Jersey – New Jersey was named by James, Duke of York (the brother of King Charles II of England), who was given New Jersey by his brother. James later gave New Jersey to Lord John Berkeley and Sir George Carteret. James named the colony New Jersey to honor Carteret, who had been the Governor of Jersey, a British island in the English Channel. If you could go back in time and change anything about this, what would that be?

I’d warn Sir George Carteret not to get plutonium from Libyan nationalists, but if he must do so, wear a bulletproof vest, and hope they don’t shoot you in the face. Or maybe conduct your time-traveling experiment in someplace a little less public than a mall parking lot.

Speaking of Charleses, let’s get this out of the way – back when you were a kid watching Charles in Charge, who did you dream of making it with?? Ellen Travolta or Willie Aames???

Well I’m a little biased on this one because I use to dated Ellen Travolta on and off for several years until she tried to have me killed because I was cheating on her with Judith Light. But looking back on it I’d have to say Willie Aames because he was BibleMan and BibleMan RULES.

Speaking of Willies, I read a comment once, somewhere, on someone’s blog that you loved the movie COLOR OF NIGHT with Bruce Willis. Is that because you got to see Willis’ Willie or because of the fascinating, passionate, moving and deep study of a tormented man who couldn’t see the color red????

Both, because it makes me wonder what if someone couldn’t see flesh tones? Would everyone be invisible? Even Willie Aames?

Lastly, for this installment, I read an article in Entertainment Weekly the other day that you and Brad were spotted at The Whiskey, after the Academy Awards, doing your best synchronized, horse riding Gangnam Style all around the bar. Further, you got so carried away you rode your horse right in to Channing Tatum and “there was a scuffle”. Care to comment on your Gangnam Style moves????

You heard that all wrong. I got drunk on whiskey and rode Carol Channing like a horse while we watched Tatum O’Neal “hang ham,” which is our funny little code-phrase for… wait, do kids read this? (ED:EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW)

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