Welcome again to another wonderful installment in our Interview sessions. This is Part Two with BRIAN from HARD TICKET TO HOME VIDEO – one of my FAVORITE places on the net!! For real – I eagerly await 3:00 (my time) every day because we get a piss-your-pants funny post! If you don’t already, you HAVE to check them out!! Before we begin, I should let remind you that Brian was once a wooden puppet whose best friend was a cricket. Somehow, a blue fairy brought him to life one night and he worked hard to fulfill his dream of becoming a real boy. Eventually he stopped lying and his wish came true so he dumped the filthy, stinking cricket and made friends with another real boy named BRAD and together they run one of the funniest blogs I’ve read. Recently the three of us sat down in their woodcarving studio – with all of their creepy dolls staring at me!!! – and answered these series of hotter-than-a-stolen-suit questions!
Damn, these things are fun and, if you’re interested in participating, you can pick from the 2012 set or the 2013 set or BOTH! On the left of this page, under the beautiful header picture (in a web browser), are links to past interviews, please check them out and fall in sweet, sweet love with past participants!! I never want to bother anyone so just let me know if you want to participate!! Like this page or like THIS page or leave me a comment or send me an email to email@example.com. As always, if you’ve expressed interest and I haven’t gotten back to you, I would never ignore you, I am just slow and deliberate and try to do things one at a time and do them right the first time – I PROMISE I will get back to you. All my best – ei.
THANK YOU BRIAN FOR DOING THIS!!!!!
I have never, ever in my life drank frozen margaritas all day and then went to my old place of employment and showered it with raw eggs. Have you ever defaced a public place??
I also have never, ever in my life spent a night in jail. Have you?? (ED: Note – Brian answered questions one and two below)
When I was 16 I went around with three friends playing mailbox baseball. We got caught but I managed to talk my way out of spending a night in juvie. But there’s no doubt this will come up when I’m judged by the Reaper. (ED: You will be harshly judged at the end of times for your crimes against me!!!!)
Speaking of things I have never done, I have never in my life spent the day drinking Long Island Ice Teas and thought it would be a good idea to go streaking through a dumpy, old bar. Or a grocery store. Or a Long John Silvers. Or a movie theater. Have you???
The only streaking I’ve done is in my underwear. But I have eaten Long John Silvers naked at home, if that counts.
I am deathly afraid of spiders. It has to do with a childhood encounter with a house full of tarantulas. Is there anything that gets you a zillion percent freaked out when you see one and why??
I’m not a fan of snakes. They simply cannot be trusted. When the shit goes down, do you think a snake will be there to save your skin? What’s your problem?? Oh, I see, you made a deal with the snakes…
One time a bunch of friends and I were up in the Ozark Mountains for a wedding. At this local store I bought a jar of “Hot n Spicy Pickled Quail Eggs”. They were probably the most disgusting thing I have ever tried to eat. Ever had any??
“Pickled Quail Eggs” are just a fancy name for boar testicles, you know.
You walk into someone’s office, cough and accidentally – but loudly – fart. Awkward!! What do you do??
Blame it on a ghost.
I know I am a hot piece of ass and all, but I don’t get why everyone wants to stand so close to me at grocery stores and Barnes and Noble and such. Are you one of those close standers or do you respect people’s personal space and don’t invade their privacy???
I standing in line at a liquor store once and Sting was standing not more than half an inch behind me, so I turned around and said, “Don’t stand so close to me.” Then he got a look of realization on his face and shouted, “That’s it!” and ran from the store. He ended up writing a song about it, but this was in 2003, and he had already written the same song many years before. It’s kind of sad how his brain is going.
Have you ever crammed yourself into the bottom of a boat or in the back of a moving van and smuggled yourself across some country’s border, effectively becoming an illegal alien????
I’ve driven into Canada but I don’t really count Canada as a country. One time I sewed myself into a bed that I thought was bound for Chile but it turns out it was bound for Gavin MacLeod’s house. I learned a lot of dark secrets that summer and he LOVES the ladies virtually around the clock, but you know what I’ve never slept better. (ED: This explains those strange discolorations on your skin…)
Have you ever ignored a warning from a crazy old man who advised that you were going to die if you went down some road and then you ended up being butchered for dinner at the hands of some lunatic?????
This reminds me of how we grew up poor and grandfather would come home reeking of human flesh from that day’s kill. But one time I ignored a crazy old man’s warning not to eat at Applebee’s. He was 100% right.
Let’s say you’re at a warehouse party and, after the band’s second set, you step out to get some fresh air. Someone else is out there and he asks you if you’ve got a light and you turn around and it’s Jesus Christ. How do you react???
I’d say, “I AM the light!” and challenge him to a magic showdown.
A few years ago one of the local news stations here did a piece about the Curling Club I was in. I didn’t get any screen time but my shoes did. Have you ever been on the news??
Never the news, but when I was a kid I was the at-home player for the Grand Prize Game on the Bozo the Clown Show (Chicago version). The kid playing for me was 2, so he sucked at it. I won a glow-in-the-dark soccer ball that wouldn’t stay inflated and a coupon for string cheese. I think the string cheese is still in my digestive tract. And so is the soccer ball!
If there was a celebrity that I had to go on record saying that I hated – it would be Dane Cook. Do you have anyone you just detest??? (I hope it’s not me)
Just one? Dane Cook is pretty up there, but, with apologies to Misty Layne, Kristen Stewart is probably the celebrity who rubs me the wrong way the most. Also Kevin Smith, Eminem, Dennis Rodman, Brett Favre, Carlos Mencia, Gallagher, Chris Brown, Nicki Minaj, Nancy Grace, Dave Matthews, and as always, Phil Collins.
That you know of, have you ever been probed by aliens????
Actual aliens or people dressed in various costumes, some of them as aliens? Either way, yes.
Belly buttons. In or out????
Oh sweet Baby Ray’s, IN. Outies are the mark of Satan’s minions. My daughter’s is kind of half in, half out right now and if it doesn’t retract when she hits puberty I’m thinking of having it surgically repaired.
Are you old enough to remember when you COULDN’T buy things online?? That’s not the question here though. Sitting in my office now, I am looking at the very first thing I ever bought online – a Green Bay Packer football helmet coffee mug – bought with my first computer in 1995. Do you remember the first thing you ever bought online???
In 1996 I bought a VHS video and an autographed 8×10 off of the website of Kenneth Keith Kallenbach, who was a member of the Wack Pack on the Howard Stern Show. The video was a bunch of dumb sketches he did that was funny to me at the time because I was 18 and stupid. I remember my mother intercepted the package when it came in the mail, and when I wondered if it was ever going to arrive, she presented it to me as a graduation present, even though I paid for it myself. Anyway, Kenneth Keith is dead now.
~ and then ~
I have read your white papers on Mental Disorders – mostly involving your fear of birds. The first thing that comes to mind is that you must be afraid of tits. That makes me really sad that you’re afraid of tits. What’s the worst thing about being afraid of tits?
Probably cowering at the site of one, especially if it’s coming right at me, and curling up in the fetal position and sucking my thumb while it pecks at my head, then gives up and leaves in confusion after a few minutes.
The last time we met – you talked a lot about time travel. Let’s say you go back in time and your DeLorean breaks. Tell us – would you be able to drive a car with a manual choke???
Oh no doubt I can handle those primitive machines. The last time I went back in time I managed to pilot a B-17 bomber and take out half of Germany single-handedly! Then when I landed I thought it would be cool to check out Raiders of the Lost Ark in its original theatrical run since the year was 1981.
What does your mom think about you having a vanity cell number that spells out B-I-G P-E-P-E???
She thinks it’s C-H-I-R-D-S-E, which is Dutch for “wolf master.”
I was recently reminiscing on the simpler days of wrestling. Do you still tool around town in your Official Koko B Ware outfit???
Absolutely, although my parrot, Frankie, has long since died so people give me weird looks when I have him on my shoulder.
Lastly – you are always going on and on about pie. Pie this!! Pie that!!! Pie Here!!! Pie there!!!! Tell me – without looking it up, do you know the difference between a pie and a cobbler????
A pie is encased in a shell of crust and can be cut into wedges and eaten by hand, a cobbler is usually rectangular and just has crumble on top. It’s like pie but messy and basically unnecessary. Like Cameron Diaz.