Hello and welcome to another thrilling installment of the Interview series! Today’s
victim subject is the other half of HARD TICKET TO HOME VIDEO, Brad, and for real, if you don’t read them already you HAVE to check out their site – it’s 100% awesome!!! If you’re not familiar with Brad, to set this up, he was once a research scientist who had a violent accident with a special chemical. Yep – he turned into a giant Thing and went to live in the Swamp. Luckily, he got to make it with Adrienne Barbeau, whose kiss turned him back into a man. I think. Recently Brian, Brad and I sat down in their woodcarving studio, with a peach cobbler, to talk about these hotter-than-Reese-Witherspoon-Did-WHAT?-questions.
Damn, these things are fun and, if you’re interested in participating, you can pick from the 2012 set or the 2013 set or BOTH! On the left of this page, under the beautiful header picture (in a web browser), are links to past interviews, please check them out and fall in sweet, sweet love with past participants!! I never want to bother anyone so just let me know if you want to participate!! Like this page or leave me a comment or send me an email to email@example.com. As always, if you’ve expressed interest and I haven’t gotten back to you, I would never ignore you, I am just slow and deliberate and try to do things one at a time and do them right the first time – I PROMISE I will get back to you. All my best – ei.
THANK YOU BRAD FOR DOING THIS!!!!
I have never, ever in my life drank frozen margaritas all day and then went to my old place of employment and showered it with raw eggs. Have you ever defaced a public place??
In high school I went through a weird “STYX” phase and while drunk on Zima’s one night I foolishly decided to spray paint the words “Killroy wuz here” on the side of a Burger King but later found out it was just the side of my neighbor’s house instead. In my defense my neighbor was grilling burgers at the time.
I also have never, ever in my life spent a night in jail. Have you??
I spent a night in Camden, NJ. Practically the same thing. (ED: *SHUDDERS*)
Speaking of things I have never done, I have never in my life spent the day drinking Long Island Ice Teas and thought it would be a good idea to go streaking through a dumpy, old bar. Or a grocery store. Or a Long John Silvers. Or a movie theater. Have you???
Whenever I drink Long Island Iced Teas I too have the urge to streak (its common knowledge that Long Island Iced Teas encourage streaking) However, I also drink a bottle of Windex, because it prevents streaks.
I am deathly afraid of spiders. It has to do with a childhood encounter with a house full of tarantulas. Is there anything that gets you a zillion percent freaked out when you see one and why??
Glenn Close. (ED: *SHUDDERS*)
One time a bunch of friends and I were up in the Ozark Mountains for a wedding. At this local store I bought a jar of “Hot n Spicy Pickled Quail Eggs”. They were probably the most disgusting thing I have ever tried to eat. Ever had any??
Whenever I’m in Missouri, I always stop at the local Denny’s and have a Hot n Spicy Quail Egg Omelet. Its an acquired taste for sure.
You walk into someone’s office, cough and accidentally – but loudly – fart. Awkward!! What do you do??
I then burp, sneeze, crack my knuckles, vomit and if the mood is right fake an orgasm. I then take that opportunity to ask for the remainder of the day off to rest. (ED: Now THAT’S an entrance. I’ll have to remember that one!)
I know I am a hot piece of ass and all, but I don’t get why everyone wants to stand so close to me at grocery stores and Barnes and Noble and such. Are you one of those close standers or do you respect people’s personal space and don’t invade their privacy???
I haven’t left my home to do any shopping since Y2K. You may laugh but one of these days the crisis will happen and I do not want to be stuck in an A.C. Moore when it does.
Have you ever crammed yourself into the bottom of a boat or in the back of a moving van and smuggled yourself across some country’s border, effectively becoming an illegal alien????
I shouldn’t be telling you this but I once smuggled myself into Guam not knowing at the time it was an U.S. territory. I thought I was illegal but not really.
Have you ever ignored a warning from a crazy old man who advised that you were going to die if you went down some road and then you ended up being butchered for dinner at the hands of some lunatic?????
Surprisingly, this has happened to me twice. Different old man, mind you, on the two occasions but I also stole another old man’s lucky talisman that grants the wearer limited immortality so I can go on ignoring all the old men I wish.
Let’s say you’re at a warehouse party and, after the band’s second set, you step out to get some fresh air. Someone else is out there and he asks you if you’ve got a light and you turn around and it’s Jesus Christ. How do you react???
I jokingly tell him that Buddha is also at the party and that he was going around high on Crystal Meth saying that he can totally kick Jesus’ ass and is looking for him to fight.
A few years ago one of the local news stations here did a piece about the Curling Club I was in. I didn’t get any screen time but my shoes did. Have you ever been on the news??
I’m shocked that you didn’t know that I moonlighted as a meteorologist at my local UHF station in town. I was fired after a few days for “dress code violations.” But It makes more sense giving the weather forecast for a hot summer day in a speedo, am I right?
If there was a celebrity that I had to go on record saying that I hated – it would be Dane Cook. Do you have anyone you just detest??? (I hope it’s not me)
Seriously, there’s enough hate in the world and really, what did these celebrities do to you anyway. No, if I was to hate anyone it would be the Amish. GET WITH THE TIMES YA FREAKS!!!
That you know of, have you ever been probed by aliens????
I want to say yes, I really do. But I have no scientific proof.
Belly buttons. In or out????
Definitely in. How else would I smuggle in Snow Caps into the cineplex?!
Are you old enough to remember when you COULDN’T buy things online?? That’s not the question here though. Sitting in my office now, I am looking at the very first thing I ever bought online – a Green Bay Packer football helmet coffee mug – bought with my first computer in 1995. Do you remember the first thing you ever bought online???
I really really really missed Fruity Yummy Mummy cereal. I used to eat that all the time as a kid. Luckily I found it on eBay back in 2001 and bought it! Unfortunately It was stale and full of pill bugs.
I don’t remember when it was that I posted a blurb about this topic, but I used to work in a restaurant and one night we got a complaint about the men’s bathroom so – as managers – my friend and I went to see what was going on. When we got there, it looked like someone had hung from the ceiling and shit all over the place. Tell me – was that you?????
I’m not 100% sure. See, back in the late 90s I I did in fact have a strange fetish of hanging myself from the ceilings of public places. However, I don’t ever remember shitting as a result. Its possible since most times I did pass out from the hangings but my memory is a little fuzzy on the defecation part. (ED: LOLOLOLOLOL)
Speaking of poo. We all know that certain foods have certain – er – smells – after they process through our body. I’ve never had this dish so can you describe to our curious readers, what it’s like in the bathroom after processing a human being???
Depends on the human actually and how they’re prepared. But I’m no expert really, because I only had one human steak and I think it was undercooked. I also had a side of asparagus which as you may well know smells really pungent when excreted.
A note before this question: I know some of my readers are Good and Proper Oklahoma State fans – you know I would never put out an attempt to insult YOU, but I think most of you know my feelings on O State Atheltics…. Anyway – speaking of human beings, IT NEVER FUCKING FAILS that when some idiot in a car cuts me off in traffic or doesn’t signal or rides my ass down the road or almost runs me over in the parking lot at the grocery store the vehicle in question has one of these fucking stickers on the back windshield.
Brad – what do you think of this? Is this a cruel vendetta against me or just “chance”???
If it has happened more than 2 times I’d say it could very well be a vendetta. You probably shouldn’t have gotten their mascot drunk on Steel Reserve and took those incriminating photos.
You and Brian appear to be good friends – has this always been so? Have you ever shared a flask in a foxhole during a significant land battle?
OH YOU BET! We met at a bar called Cowboys which was half nightclub, half strip joint. I was there just to use the restroom (seriously) and bumped into Brian as he was fumbling on the floor gathering all his loose dollar bills that he dropped. We struck up a good rapport soon thereafter over a night of good food and plenty of free shots from a very burly Swedish bartender (I think they were Lemon drops). We said we’d keep in touch but you know fragile new friendships are. Anyway, years later I was working as an art director in some crappy publication job and lo and behold Brian gets hired there as well. Funnily enough he has no recollection of me or our past. Regardless we became good buddies again.
Lastly, and I think you so much for your time, I see you’re wearing a cravat today. This is an unusual choice of neckwear for this time of year. Are you trying to make a statement or are you getting your Anti-Establishment on?
Oh do you like it? I’m just so sick and tired of neck ties, ya know? And ascots just look too plain silly.