Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 1: BLOODY MARY (2006)

shitfest-2013 banner

Entry by: yours truly

*Semi NSFW*

BLOODYMARY1

Honestly, this wasn’t as god-awful as I feared it would be, but it was pretty, pretty stinky. The acting was atrocious by everyone involved, I don’t know what kind of camera they used but I could barely see what was going on half the time, there’s a character in here -that supposedly has some sort of importance in the plot – that makes no fucking sense, the special effects were really kind of terrible and there’s some sort of iffy “big twist” in here that was also very unbelievable but the actresses were all good to look at and we got to see some boobs. Another strong decent reasonable point in here – lots of torn out eyeballs.

BLOODYMARY2

The opening scene starts off with four or five bitches forcing a girl to strip naked, crawl into some labyrinthine basement and play the “Mirror Game” to LEARNHERFUCKINGLESSONBITCH!!! That’ll fucking teach her!! Down there, she slinks down a shitty corridor and into a shitty room where there’s nothing but a cracked, shitty mirror on the wall. So she stands in front of it and says “I believe in Bloody Mary” a bunch of times and some shitty demon thing with claws comes out of the darkness and starts ripping her to pieces. “That’ll learn her,” the lead bitch says. “But she’s really hurting!” Someone wails. “No, that’s just Scooter down there scaring here,” says Lead Bitch right as Scooter comes running up, out of breath because his car broke down and he had to run three miles. AWKWARD!!!! So they all just leave her down there to die a miserable death at the hands of something unknown.

BLOODYMARY3

Up next comes the dead girl’s older (and very good looking) sister – “Natalie” who is some sort of journalist and she’s gonna find out just what the fuck happened to her sister, right after she does a shower scene.  During the course of her adventures she meets stupid cops, the bitchy nurses at the INSANE ASYLUM!!!, insane people, redneck doctors, horny orderlies and – wait for it…… wait for it……… Cory Monteith the hunky heartthrob from GLEE!! YAY!! SWOON!!! He doesn’t do any lip syncing in this one or make out with 30 year-olds pretending to be teenagers, but he does have a couple of lines and then leaves for good.

BLOODYMARY4

In any case, girls go around taking off their shirts, someone spits on someone else, bodies pile up, there’s a big twist that makes no sense and then a ridiculous ending that might even piss you the fuck off. Having seen a bunch of entries come in for SHITFEST 2013 over the last couple of weeks I think I can say that this is NOT the shittiest of the shit, but it’s pretty bad. Bad, bad. There’s even a character in here named Railroad. Anyway – come back tomorrow for an exciting entry full of mystery and intrigue, danger and love, hatred and fear, from MARKED MOVIES.

31 comments

  1. Corey Monteith…tsk tsk..Glee’s glory days are over for me. But I learned that these TV actors tend to end up in really bad movies. You just reminded me of one that Paul Wesley (from Vampire Diaries) was in. If only I hadn’t traded that one in. haha! That would have been the review that I might have done 😉

    Like

    • theipc

      HA HA HA!!

      He’s only in it for around 1 minute as the boyfriend of the first girl who got killed to “tip off” the reporter about the sinister “Mirror Game” LOL

      this movie: thbthbthbthbthbthbthb

      Like

  2. Haha! Excellent passionate review to set Shitfest on it putrid path.

    You big up my post, I notice? Haha! I can’t write they way you do man. I’m thinking my shit won’t stink as much as yours. 😉

    Like

    • theipc

      HAHAHAH Thank you man!!!

      Your writing is far superior! Even if we don’t have the same style we have two things: Dirty Fingers and Boat Drinks!!

      Give it a name.

      Like

      • theipc

        LOL!! ABSOLUTELY!!

        Hopefully some more people will catch on soon about what Buckwheats is if your post and whenever I get around to doing mine.

        Like

  3. This line made me laugh: “Natalie” who is some sort of journalist and she’s gonna find out just what the fuck happened to her sister, right after she does a shower scene.

    Always after the shower scene!

    Great (shit?) start to the fest. I honestly can’t wait to see what gems (turds?) people come up with. 😀

    Like

    • theipc

      It was so awkward…. “I’m here to figure out what happened to my sister”. Shower / boobs. “Now where was I?” LOL

      We’ve got some true gems (turds) coming up!!

      Like

  4. Pingback: Maniacs, Zombies & Billionaire Playboys | filmhipster

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: