Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 4: LIVE ANIMALS (2008)

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Entry by: yours truly

ANIMALS 1

Should you decide to challenge yourself and view the heinousness that is LIVE ANIMALS, this is what you will subject yourself to:

  • Bitterly poor acting that may even hurt your feelings it’s so awful
  • Very curious sound dubbing that makes little sense and adds confusion to what’s happening
  • I can’t find a picture of him but one of the main characters has what appears to be a scar on his face that, honestly, looks like a giant turd and seems to change throughout the thing
  • I’m not sure if it’s just the DVD copy I have but the frame rate is so miserable I could barely tell what was happening half the time
  • A bunch of not very good looking people sitting around in barn stalls screaming and moaning for 45 minutes straight
  • A tongue ripped out of someone’s mouth
  • A twist that makes little sense
  • A very, very, very bloody climax (No, not THAT kind of climax, Brian!!!!)

ANIMALS 2

So, um, yeah.This blurry piece of shit finds us not caring about four or five people at a party one night. When it’s about time to go to bed, some big bald dude comes in wearing a mask and shoots them with tranquilizer darts. It was so dark and so blurry that I couldn’t really tell, but I think these are the four or five people that wake up in chains in some barn somewhere. Probably in Kentucky. No offense to any good people in Kentucky. My job deals with a lot of small towns across the U.S. and my friend Lem and I once had a helluva time dealing with a certain business in a town called Horse Cave, Kentucky. It was awful and we’ve always had an inside joke about Horse Cave, so that’s where I’m setting this movie in. Stupid Horse Cave.

ANIMALS 3

Now that these people have woken up and are all chained up and shit (see above) an older man and the bald dude show up and he (the older guy) starts talking about “breaking” horses and how he’s gonna “break” them and to set an example – he rips the tongue out of the guy below. Then he eats it right in front of them, unpins his overalls, bends over and shits it out. Just kidding on that last part, but that might have made this movie more fun if he did.

ANIMALS 4

~ SPOILERS IF YOU’RE (DEAR GOD) REALLY THINKING ABOUT SEEING THIS ~

BLAH BLAH BLAH they get hosed down BLAH BLAH BLAH one of em gets sold to be a sex slave BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH then there’s some crazy woman in the stall next to them singing lullabies and she’s actually the guy’s wife and that makes no goddamned sense BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH and they get out and there’s a chase and a girl in a crate and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH and they’re all dead.

ANIMALS 5

If there’s one good thing to say about this bilge it’s that the song over the end credits was actually pretty cool but other than that, ugh……..

22 comments

  4. Monkeyboy

    Wow, sounds like a shit movie. Great review (although more of a warning, lol). My favourite parts of the review were BLAH BLAH BLAH followed by BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. I thought, “He can’t top that!”

    But then came BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

    Like

    Reply

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