WAR HORSE 0/10
Wow, this is one of the worst, most disgustingly bad films I have ever seen. It’s not syrupy or sugary, it’s too artificial for that. It’s aspartame. This is a piece of aspartame shit, and this from the guy that made jaws. The accents and acting in general are among the worst I have ever seen at this level of “blockbuster”, but they were miles behind in the hate-stakes in comparison to the dialogue and heavy-handed storytelling – the story being one of the biggest steaming turds I’ve ever seen stink out a cinema. I feel I need to clean my projector after that, maybe even throw it out. It’s been tarnished.
I hope you’ve been working out, because this is the level of disbelief you’re going to have to suspend throughout what must have been about seven hours that the film took to pass it’s way through my digestive tract.
A soldier in a World War 1 trench disobeys a direct order from a superior, to save a horse he’s never seen before. Obviously he is risking court martial, but he is also walking out into no man’s land, risking instant death from any one of a thousand enemy guns trained on him. Why? To save one of about a million horses that guy will have seen during the hell that he has been living in those trenches. A brown horse. No different in appearance to any of the other horses in the film, no matter how much the characters all say how amazing he is. I have eyes. I can see he’s no different. And anyway, even if it was a remarkably different horse, even if it was a fucking UNICORN, the guy is not even close to the horse. It’s hundreds of feet away, tangled in barbed wire, next to dead horses and carnage and stuff. He’s picked an odd time to go all Steve Irwin. It’s World War 1. Even if he defies all odds and rescues the horse, it will probably be killed in the next charge anyway. And don’t even get me started on what happens when he gets to the horse, and a German soldier has done the same from the opposite trench. It makes me want to throw up.
A doctor, overrun with patients with appalling injuries, turns down treating the horse. It hasn’t got a great chance of survival, and he has FAR too many people to save. Surely even Dr Doolittle would see that with soldiers dying by the bucketload, and being a FUCKING DOCTOR, it would probably be inadvisable to waste a load of time putting a bandaid on a bloody horse! And, to his credit, he does. That is, he DID, until it turned out that someone, a random soldier he has never seen before, KNOWS the horse. Oh right. He takes some convincing, because obviously it’s inconceivable that a man, somewhere, knows a horse. I know. Pretty mindblowing stuff, eh? Obviously, once this is proved beyond doubt, he puts down his man-tools, and goes straight for the horse-pills. I’m sure all the men that died unattended while he washed some of the mud off this horse’s feet would have taken it all in good spirits. After all, it is a bloody fine horse. Nobody in this trench, other than the boy who knew it from before the war, knows anything about the horse, knows anything it’s done in the war, knows any damn thing except it must have a good SHEEN on it, or something. I really haven’t a clue what made it look different. But it’s worth stopping the war and all crowding round to have a good look, and to have a whipround to pay for the boy to have his horse back, and to all turn out for the auction.
Scene after scene is played out like it’s the end of the movie, with crashing violins and earnest poignant looks, all about a horse. Soldiers everywhere shooting horses and treating them like crap, but this one? This one that doesn’t look any fucking different to the others, no matter what muscles they keep going on about, runs around and does what it’s told, just like the other ones, but maybe 3% faster, and its enough to make friends out of brits and germans, and maybe, just maybe the horse ended the whole bastard war. We aren’t told, but maybe the generals just looked at this horse, and how a boy somewhere, that none of them knew, had met this horse before, and they decided that all war is futile in the face of a friendship like that, and they all put their guns down and had a group hug.
I feel sick, like I just ate a turd straight from the arse of Spielberg (a once great director, which makes this offence of a film far FAR worse). No, not even just a turd. A turd laced with arsenic. A poisoned turd.
I originally gave this film 2/10. I can’t even think why I’m awarding 2 marks. Fuck it, I’m taking them back. I KNOW them, you see. From when I worked on a farm. They come when I whistle. They’re my points, and you can’t have them, Spielberg. Gawd bless you, sah, for your abysmal Hollywood version of England, but I hope you get eaten by the shark that you have clearly forgotten about, and who must be pretty pissed off to be in the same stable of films as that stupid fucking horse.