Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 6: WAR HORSE (2011)

shitfest-2013 bannerEntry by: BIFFER ON FILM

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WAR HORSE 0/10

Wow, this is one of the worst, most disgustingly bad films I have ever seen. It’s not syrupy or sugary, it’s too artificial for that. It’s aspartame. This is a piece of aspartame shit, and this from the guy that made jaws. The accents and acting in general are among the worst I have ever seen at this level of “blockbuster”, but they were miles behind in the hate-stakes in comparison to the dialogue and heavy-handed storytelling – the story being one of the biggest steaming turds I’ve ever seen stink out a cinema. I feel I need to clean my projector after that, maybe even throw it out. It’s been tarnished.

I hope you’ve been working out, because this is the level of disbelief you’re going to have to suspend throughout what must have been about seven hours that the film took to pass it’s way through my digestive tract.

We're going to need a better script.

We’re going to need a better script.

A soldier in a World War 1 trench disobeys a direct order from a superior, to save a horse he’s never seen before. Obviously he is risking court martial, but he is also walking out into no man’s land, risking instant death from any one of a thousand enemy guns trained on him. Why? To save one of about a million horses that guy will have seen during the hell that he has been living in those trenches. A brown horse. No different in appearance to any of the other horses in the film, no matter how much the characters all say how amazing he is. I have eyes. I can see he’s no different. And anyway, even if it was a remarkably different horse, even if it was a fucking UNICORN, the guy is not even close to the horse. It’s hundreds of feet away, tangled in barbed wire, next to dead horses and carnage and stuff. He’s picked an odd time to go all Steve Irwin. It’s World War 1. Even if he defies all odds and rescues the horse, it will probably be killed in the next charge anyway. And don’t even get me started on what happens when he gets to the horse, and a German soldier has done the same from the opposite trench. It makes me want to throw up.

Despite this brave but futile charge for freedom, all these men were captured and forced to act in a fucking terrible movie.

Despite this brave but futile charge for freedom, all these men were captured and forced to act in a fucking terrible movie.

A doctor, overrun with patients with appalling injuries, turns down treating the horse. It hasn’t got a great chance of survival, and he has FAR too many people to save. Surely even Dr Doolittle would see that with soldiers dying by the bucketload, and being a FUCKING DOCTOR, it would probably be inadvisable to waste a load of time putting a bandaid on a bloody horse! And, to his credit, he does. That is, he DID, until it turned out that someone, a random soldier he has never seen before, KNOWS the horse. Oh right. He takes some convincing, because obviously it’s inconceivable that a man, somewhere, knows a horse. I know. Pretty mindblowing stuff, eh? Obviously, once this is proved beyond doubt, he puts down his man-tools, and goes straight for the horse-pills. I’m sure all the men that died unattended while he washed some of the mud off this horse’s feet would have taken it all in good spirits. After all, it is a bloody fine horse. Nobody in this trench, other than the boy who knew it from before the war, knows anything about the horse, knows anything it’s done in the war, knows any damn thing except it must have a good SHEEN on it, or something. I really haven’t a clue what made it look different. But it’s worth stopping the war and all crowding round to have a good look, and to have a whipround to pay for the boy to have his horse back, and to all turn out for the auction.

Scene after scene is played out like it’s the end of the movie, with crashing violins and earnest poignant looks, all about a horse. Soldiers everywhere shooting horses and treating them like crap, but this one? This one that doesn’t look any fucking different to the others, no matter what muscles they keep going on about, runs around and does what it’s told, just like the other ones, but maybe 3% faster, and its enough to make friends out of brits and germans, and maybe, just maybe the horse ended the whole bastard war. We aren’t told, but maybe the generals just looked at this horse, and how a boy somewhere, that none of them knew, had met this horse before, and they decided that all war is futile in the face of a friendship like that, and they all put their guns down and had a group hug.

I feel sick, like I just ate a turd straight from the arse of Spielberg (a once great director, which makes this offence of a film far FAR worse). No, not even just a turd. A turd laced with arsenic. A poisoned turd.

I originally gave this film 2/10. I can’t even think why I’m awarding 2 marks. Fuck it, I’m taking them back. I KNOW them, you see. From when I worked on a farm. They come when I whistle. They’re my points, and you can’t have them, Spielberg. Gawd bless you, sah, for your abysmal Hollywood version of England, but I hope you get eaten by the shark that you have clearly forgotten about, and who must be pretty pissed off to be in the same stable of films as that stupid fucking horse.

"Biggest laugh I've had in years", claims Jaws. "Who cares about a fucking horse?!"

“Biggest laugh I’ve had in years”, claims Jaws. “Who cares about a fucking horse?!”

58 comments

  1. I think I liked this a little more than you did, however, with that said. I can see your point and back up anyone who has the guts to give a film a 0/10. I love your passionate hatred!

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  2. WOW. Such hatred, lol. So fiery and passionate! To be honest, I’ve only seen about 30 minutes of this but it was the 30 minutes with the little girl and her grandfather and while I wasn’t like, “I hate this!” or “I love this!” about the film, I thought that particular actress was pretty amazing.

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  3. Horse people are weird. You know, those people that are so into horses that they wear sweatshirts with pictures of horses on them and have all kinds of horse figurines all over their houses. That sort of weirdness has always made me hate movies about horses. Not that I hate horses. Just the weirdoes that love them too much.

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  4. I agree, this movie wasn’t anything special. I was bored to death. But, as I’m sort of partial to Spielberg (maybe a lot partial), I’d be generous enough to give it something around 5/10. Nice writeup.

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  5. GaryLee828

    People actually watched this movie? The title alone should’ve been enough indication it sucked. It sounds like one of those generic films you’d find on Redbox starring Stephen Dorff and Cuba Gooding, Jr.

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  6. Pingback: Into Darkness, Hipster Heroes & Monster Makers | filmhipster

  7. This for the win because seriously, what kind of a framer doesn’t clear their field from rocks!?!? For a boy who loved his horse a lot, he sure was an idiot by torturing that animal on that field of ROCKS! No wonder the horse went to war, he wanted to get away from that field with ROCKS where his owner made him risk his life by DRAMATICALLY CUTTING A ROCK IN HALF! Keep in mind this happened in the first half of the movie.. and the only reason I continued was to see Tom Hiddleston.

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  8. Hilarious! And right on the money, too. I completely hated this steaming, toxic horse shit of a film. Not only is it TERRIBLE, but its HORRIBLY acted, too. I can’t fully express in words how much I thoroughly disliked this film. I wish I’d never seen it, but I’ll never get that time back, and that’s something I’ve had to learn to live with. I hope you recover, too.

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  9. Pingback: TO SHITFEST OR NOT TO SHITFEST, THIS IS THE ETERNAL QUESTION | Isaacs Picture Conclusions

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