Even if you’re not familiar with the names Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, you’re probably familiar with the diarrhea the spray all over cinema screens every so often. They’re the troglodytes responsible for anal discharges known as Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie and Vampires Suck (and be on the lookout for the hilarious upcoming The Starving Games!!). They’re essentially the lowest common denominator in film. Every one of their movies is completely laugh-free, and go out of their way to insult your intelligence. Now, I’m no film snob, and there’s a place for dumb movies for audiences to enjoy, but these movies aren’t just unfunny and horrid, they’re completely lazy at being unfunny and horrid. Friedberg & Seltzer don’t tell jokes, they just cram these turd casings with random references to popular culture. And 90% of the time, an actual joke is not even attempted, the reference is supposed to be the joke, even though it’s just a reference. Here’s a typical Friedberg/Seltzer joke: American Idol. That’s it. There’s no actual joke there. You’re just supposed to laugh because you recognize the show American Idol. Hilarious, right? That is literally all they do. It’s nothing but, “Hey, I’ve seen that! LOL!” And that’s so lazy it makes monks’ penises seem active.
I could go on and on about how unbelievably inept these two booger-eaters are like so many have before me but it’s really not even necessary and is kind of like pushing down a guy with no arms or legs who’s been dead for 20 years. Let’s let their movies do the insulting, because really, the worst things you can say about Friedberg & Seltzer don’t hold a candle to just presenting their own work.
DATE MOVIE (2006)
Although they’d had writing credits on some horrible movies already (Spy Hard and Scary Movie, although strangely, they didn’t seem to work from 2000 to 2006, thankfully) this was Friedberg & Seltzer’s first effort at spitting bloody mucous onto the screen themselves. Poor Alyson Hannigan stars in this, but you can give her a pass since nobody knew just how unspeakably lame these guys actually were yet.
In this scene’s “joke,” the wedding planner is supposed to be J-Lo, and we all know that J-Lo has an enormous ass! (although she really doesn’t whatsoever) Her ass is SO big, she knocks things over with it! Again and again! And again! And again! You will NEVER get tired of her knocking things over with her huge ass, and if you didn’t know, J-Lo has a huge ass! And J-Lo was a dancer once! No joke there, but since we know she was a dancer, we’ll watch the parody of her dance! How hard are you laughing right now?!?!?!
EPIC MOVIE (2007)
This clip is truly astounding. It’s a parody of Snakes on a Plane, which absolutely does not need to be parodied because that movie never took itself seriously. Anyway, a Samuel L. Jackson character comes out and repeats the famous line over and over again. And that’s supposed to be the joke, even though it was already funny when the Samuel L. Jackson did it, and trying to parody something that is already funny is just moronic and never works. But the best part is, the girl here is actually supposed to be annoyed at this pointless repetition, EVEN THOUGH THAT’S ALL FRIEDBERG & SELTZER’S MOVIES ARE! That’s a perfect example of how out of it those two mouthbreathers are. The only attempt at a joke here is men have penises, women have breasts. Groundbreakingly funny stuff.
MEET THE SPARTANS (2008)
Here’s a prime example of what I call “shoehorning.” No, that doesn’t mean Friedberg & Seltzer thought it would be hilarious if they showed a lingering shot of a shoe with horns and the shoe says, “Just Do It.” Here, for some reason, Friedberg & Seltzer knew that they absolutely HAD to get a YouTube reference into a movie set in Spartan times, because YouTube is very popular with the kids, and the “Leave Britney alone!” video is a timeless classic that could never not be funny. Also, Transformers was a movie. So the scene becomes the bad guy transforming into a bad guy wearing a robot suit with a YouTube screen in his chest for no real reason at all. It’s reference for the sake of audience recognition, so someone who fell out of their stroller when they were 10 and smacked their head on the concrete floor of their living room will watch this and say, “Hey, I know YouTube! And I laughed at that video once! So since I thought that video was funny, then THIS is funny!” Friedberg & Seltzer are as comedically gifted as a drowning moose.
Oh, and if he’s a cross between a car and a man, WHY IS HE PLUGGED IN??!?!?!!
DISASTER MOVIE (2008)
2008 was a horrible year, as Friedberg & Seltzer managed to mold their ear wax into two movies. Amazingly but not really surprisingly, these movies actually seem to get worse each time. The good news for us as film-goers is that they decided to truthfully title this one, as it is a complete disaster and widely considered one of the worst movies of all time (it’s currently ranked #1 in the bottom 100 on IMDB). It makes Date Movie look like Airplane!
There’s no shortage of horrible scenes in this movie, but here’s one that is not only unfunny but has references with such a limited shelf life that even if you saw this on its opening weekend you would think it was outdated by the time you left the theater.
Oh look, it’s that American Gladiators reboot that nobody watched and only ran for two seasons. And hey, you know what movie was extremely popular? 10,000 B.C.! Let’s spoof that and drag it out for several minutes! Has anyone ever actually seen 10,000 B.C.? Then we get an Amy Winehouse parody, which has never been done before. Congratulations for really thinking hard here, Friedberg & Seltzer. And the “Everyone’s on Facebook…” line is SO HYSTERICAL because they mention Facebook and I’ve been on Facebook! Here’s that exact same joke again but using a different prop:
Amy Winehouse eats a slice of pizza that she pulls from her hair LOLLLLLLL!!!!!!
10,000 B.C. Guy: “Everyone eats pizza…”
IT’S SO TRUE! EVERYONE DOES EAT PIZZA! HE NAILED IT! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
VAMPIRES SUCK (2010)
So here’s where Friedberg & Seltzer actually use their slug-filled brains and decide not to name this Vampire Movie since people would automatically connect it to the previous “____ Movie” movies that gave them genital warts after they watched them (which previously didn’t work on Meet the Spartans, which was actually known as Epic Movie 2 at one point). This time, they decided to spoof the Twilight films, which had only been spoofed 226,439,051 times before. Oddly and by the grace of Zeus, there are only like three clips of this garbage on YouTube. Let’s just go with this one, which involves shoehorning and an outdated reference:
Remember the Jonas Brothers? Their popularity had faded so much by the time this movie came out that Danny Bonaduce gave them a sympathy card. So the joke is that they’re not tan, they dress well and they’re saving themselves for marriage? OK, so what? Then there’s some inexplicable shoehorning with Alice in Wonderland, simply because that was a popular movie that came out the same year. So he shoots Alice… becauuuuse… Alice in Wonderland was a popular movie that came out the same year…
And here’s the worst part of these movies that shakes your faith in humanity: there are people out there who pay to see them. Not many, but enough to where these movies, made on budgets so small that shoestrings laugh at their clothes, actually turn a profit. And if you look in the comments sections of the clips I posted, there are many variations of “LOL dat shiz wuz funy, dawg!!1!” That’s definitive proof that education systems around the world are failing miserably.
Thank you very much for being brave enough to read this. I’m so sorry for any trauma it may have caused. Here, take this, it should help: