Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 12: MORTUARY (2005)

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Entry by: Yours Truly

A SHITFEST NOTE: When I initially set the number of contestant entries at 32, that was the set up for the big “bracket” voting system to determine the winner. Later, I fielded some righteous and just questions about the bracket system so I met with some counselors and we decided the fairest way would be to select a jury of your peers to vote on their favorites (no jury member can enter their own entry, although, as an example, as a jury member, I can’t select my own post but another member of the jury could. I want to win that trophy too!!!)

So, I did away with the 32 entry limit and now have quite a few more than 32 for your wonderful viewing!!! This has been a brilliant success and I think everyone is having good fun here!!! I think, after tomorrow, I won’t be taking any more submissions because I am going to have to do two posts a day off and on for the rest of the month to get them all out here (maybe not, I need to do some math – but probably).

Also – does anyone ever look at the headers on this page? You can see, in the days going forward, that we’ve been able to take some photographic footage of the events here at SHITFEST and you’ve never looked so good!!!

So there’s that. I hope everyone’s having fun and we’re already thinking about ideas for SHITFEST 2014!!!

SHITFESTBANNER33

MORT1

I’ve seen five movies by Tobe Hooper: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (which i didn’t like very much), Poltergeist (which I liked a lot), The Toolbox Murders remake (which I thought was so-so), The Funhouse (which I thought was stupid) and this. I thought this was pretty tepid (and fairly stupid) so I don’t think I quite get why this guy is considered a visionary filmmaker. In Mortuary, Denise Crosby just looks……. old…… the kid from Cougar Town is not very believable, NO ONE EVER would fucking move into that house EVER, and then there’s the whatthefuck storyline. It starts off good with the “abused kid is now an adult living under the cemetery being creepy as fuck”, but then people start turning in to zombies??? HUH???? Stupid. Plus – for having an actress in here who looks like this, she was woefully.. um…. “under used”……..

MORT2

HOWDY, BOYS!!

So, Lieutenant Yar Denise Crosby, her son  (the kid from Cougar Town) and her daughter relocate across the country to an old, well, Mortuary in the middle of the shittiest cemetery in the United States. Its filled with mold and vines, it’s filthier than the clogged up shitter at the 10 cent strip club on 10th, the water runs brown and there’s so many chemicals in the ground that “the state wouldn’t even let prisoners clean it up”. That’s a direct quote. Speaking of filthy shitters, here’s a funny story. My wife calls me a “public pooper” but there’s nothing more far from the truth. I don’t like to do that in public. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. But this all stems from one year at our local Arts Festival. I had gone to the food kiosks and ordered this bowl of “medieval stew”. At the counter were several bottle of hot sauce and I grabbed one with a label that read: XXX.

MORT3

I dumped a very liberal amount in there right as the guy reached out and grabbed my hand and screamed “NO!!!!” Having had one, maybe two beers, I chinned him up and cockily said “Don’t worry, pal. I can handle it. I’m a pro.” And he said something like, “Fine, smart ass, see you at your funeral.” So we went and sat down at some table and I took two bites and I got fucking dizzy and my whole body was on fire and I almost passed out. Eventually I recovered and we went to go look at some of the art displays and after, I don’t know, five minutes I had to RUN to the port-o-potty with my ass all clenched in front of everyone and emptied out the entire contents of my body. Have you seen Trainspotting? Remember that toilet scene?? Think about this as if I was sitting on that. So – NO!! I am not a public pooper, but it’s better than SHITTING MY PANTS!!!!!

MORT5

Where was I? Oh yeah, Denise and her aged self move into the shittiest “home” in North America and she cuts herself and drops blood down the drain and people start turning into zombies. Sound good? It’s not. There’s some decent acting and some nice practical special effects but overall it was pretty stinky and could have definitely benefited from some more…….. um…… “acting”……. from Blondie. This is probably one to avoid – like pooping in public!

MORT6

25 comments

  1. GaryLee828

    I need to attain the rights to your story to turn it into a short film! LOL. If the hot sauce was just that dangerously hot then maybe they shouldn’t have it out for consumer consumption. And there’s our title for the short film, “Consumer Consumption”. 🙂

    Like

    • theipc

      Maybe next year we can run a special column about shitting stories. God knows there’s no shortage of them among my group of friends…

      Like

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