Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 16: SEX AND THE CITY (2008)

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Entry by: 5 WORD MOVIE REVIEWS

SATC1

When people ask me what type of films I like to watch, my usual response is “I’ll watch anything”. It’s a small thing to be boastful of, but I pride myself on being able to sit through and find something to appreciate in just about every film I can get my grubby little hands on. Well, dear readers, today is the day that hubris finally came back to bite me in the ass. Charlie from the office (she of the Kids Film Friday DVD stash in my desk drawer) asked me that question a couple of weeks ago, and got that answer. So she decided to screw with me.

Sex And The City

Shoot me. In the head.

Four entirely pointless human beings swan about doing nothing for TWO AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS! Thoughts of suicide ensue.

Before we get started here, I have accidentally caught maybe four or five episodes of this series over the years, which is just enough to know the names of the four leads and be able to describe them in one word – the chirpy one, the slutty one, the angry one and the narrating one – but not enough to have formed any strong opinions either way. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it either. It just was. But after sitting through those two and a half fucking hours, I hate it. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns. It has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Let’s talk about the characters, shall we? First: Carrie. This film makes a big deal about her being forty years old (yeah, and the rest) yet she behaves like an idiotic, spoiled teenager the entire time. There’s only one point in the film where the Vaseline has been wiped off the lens and she looks like a real person, and that’s after she was left at the altar and ran off to Mexico with the rest of her coven. Now, I know some people are prone to making gags about the somewhat equine features of Sarah Jessica Parker, but I cannot hear the name Horseface without thinking of the inimitable Charlie Scalies from season two of The Wire. How’s that for some fantasy recasting?

You're picturing it, aren't you?

You’re picturing it, aren’t you?

And then there’s Charlotte. If my life depended on picking a favourite out of these four, I’d pick Charlotte, mostly because Kristen Davis has the cutest smile. But then this is the woman who, on that little jaunt to Mexico, consumed nothing but bottled water and chocolate pudding cups that she took with her because she was afraid of getting food poisoning. If they were staying in some back-alley joint in Tijuana I could maybe appreciate her concern, but this was a five-star beach resort with private villas. Was this meant to be endearingly naïve? Because I couldn’t decide if it was ignorance or just clumsy racism. Either way, not flattering.

Samantha. Samantha, Samantha, Samantha. You are not a 13-year-old discovering the twin joys of the opposite sex and onanism. Stop acting like it. Keep it in your damn pants. Finally, Miranda. She’s a total harpy, but I didn’t even care enough about her to work up any vitriol. The worst part of it is, these four exist in such a superficial and economically rarefied world that I do not understand how viewers can find them remotely relatable. They might as well be aliens.

"Take usssss to your leeaderrrrrrr" I believe that's the hack responsible for this mess in the middle

“Take usssss to your leeaderrrrrrr”
I believe that’s the hack responsible for this mess in the middle

.

New York is supposedly the most ethnically diverse city in a country that proudly calls itself a “melting pot”, yet the only non-white character in the movie with any presence was Louise, played by the very talented, very beautiful, Oscar-winning actress and singer Jennifer Hudson. Who is Louise? Carrie’s assistant who comes into her life when she is at her lowest ebb and brings her back up to be better than she was before, AKA, well, this. Really, Michael Patrick King? Has the world not moved on from this ridiculous concept yet?

Speaking of Michael Patrick King, he might be an okay TV director, but features are not his forte. The pacing is terrible, the camerawork is flat and unimaginative and the film is so completely episodic it actually feels like watching five episodes of the series that have just been cut together. And for a supposed comedy, I didn’t laugh once. The closest I came was a meta gag right in the very last scene, where the ‘girls’ are sitting in a restaurant drinking cosmopolitans when one asks why they never drink these anymore. The response is “because everyone else started drinking them”. It wasn’t quite enough for a smirk, but the little voice in my head told me it was a vaguely funny. The thing that will stick with me the most about this dreck is the irony in the fact that the cast member whose character had an assistant is the only cast member who didn’t actually have an assistant named in the credits. If that is the most entertaining moment in a movie, you know it’s a piece of shit.

Is a story with fully rounded human beings – of both sexes – just too much to ask for? Is the sequel any better? It sure as hell can’t be any worse.

PROFESSORSCROTEY2

58 comments

  1. I’ll amend that. If you’re not already cool at 40–it’s not going to happen. Great review. Your writing is so fresh–and this movie was weak! I confess to being a Sexy girl–identifying with the Carrie character–but the movie was lame, and the sequel just unnecessary (I imagine) Time to go home Sex in the City…you’re drunk…

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  2. Never got into this show – all that talk about shoes and all those ridiculous outfits….I am a terrible girl, I swear. I feel really bad for you that you had to sit through the movie version.

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  3. You know what? The second one is a hundred times worse. If you can believe that… If you thought the way they handled the one black character was bad, just wait until you see how they handle all Muslims and their culture. It’s downright sickening. This is a great candidate for Shitfest!

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  4. Thanks for your kind words and commiserations folks, for I am he what wrote this. And it remains a cinematic dogturd on the landscape of my movie-watching life. Worthy of Shitfest, indeed 🙂

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  5. Reblogged this on 5-Word Movie Reviews and commented:
    Faithful readers,
    Kindly have a little look-see at my entry into the inaugural festival of shit that is Shitfest 2013. Hosted by the man himself Mr E from Isaacs Picture Conclusions, Shitfest is a celebration (if that’s the right word) of the worst movies to grace this world. My choice, oddly enough, is Sex And The City. Read, enjoy, tell your friends…

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  6. Tom

    hahah great review. I hate this show and the closest I’ll come to seeing the films are by reading these reviews. Hilarious. Well-stated. And probably too kind to the film. haha

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  7. You know what…….yea. I never saw this and have only seen a handful of scenes from the show, but my god. I remember the trailer for this, and it looked like ass. This fiasco almost makes me reconsider my stance on Kim Catrall being hot. Big Trouble and Porky’s! Big Trouble and Porky’s! I have to recite that lest I forget.

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  8. I didn’t even realise they’d coined a term for the mystical black character who helps out the white guy. “Magical Negro”. Incredible. They had a “magical negro” in LOST as well.

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