Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 19: SPRING BREAK MASSACRE (2008) CLOSE TO NSFW

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Entry by: SCROTEY!!!!!

Please note: Scrotey doesn’t have a blog or a website or even a calculator. We’ve been friends for almost 30 years and we recently sat down and put this together for SHITFEST 2013.  ENJOY!!

SBM1

Hello there good people. My name is Chris (ED: SCROTEY!!!) and I’m taking my first shot at reviewing a movie so bear with me. My good friend Eric put together this shitfest thing and asked me if I would contribute. So, with fair warning, I decided to review one of these b horror movie shits and see for myself. how bad these things can be.

SBM3

even the cast doesn’t appear to want to be in this shit

The film I chose is a doozy called “Spring Break Massacre.” Now, I’ve never directed, written or acted in a film, but if I did I’m certain I could produce something better than this if I was blindfolded. I’m not sure what the director was thinking. The camera work is sophomoric at best. The sound is just plain terrible. And the acting begs the question; did any of the actors get paid to be in this film? And if so why?

SBM4

a photo from the spring break eric and i spent in padre back in 1990 (ED: he’s kidding!!)

The story starts out around 8 or so years in the past, as a pizza delivery guy stumbles upon a gruesome murder scene and is quickly accused of and found guilty of murder. We then skip to present day and guess what? It’s spring break time. We meet our young and doomed cast as they are partying it up at the lead actress’s house. Forgive me for not mentioning any names here, but believe me it really doesn’t make any difference. Anyway, the kids are having fun by the lake in a town called Mapleton Illinois. That’s right, Mapleton Illinois, the Mecca for spring break activities. Well, dad is going out of town for a few days so the girls decide to have a slumber party. Before dad leaves, we become acquainted with the creepy neighbor whose favorite hobby is doing gardening in the dark with a machete. Eventually dad takes off on his trip and the tone is set for an evening of horror.

SBM6

spring break ’92 (ED: *shakes head*)

Well, the boys are upset at the fact that they weren’t invited, so they begin plans to scare the wits out of the ladies. Naughty boys.  As evening falls we find ourselves at the police station and the brilliant police force of 3 is quickly “slashed” to one, unbeknownst to the chief. Back at the spring break house of horror we find the halfway attractive crew of chicks in their undies. I guess if you’re going to get murdered you might as well be in your underwear. So, long story short, the pizza guy from the beginning gets busted out of jail by a mystery person. The dudes show up at the house to scare the girls and are quickly mutilated by the mystery killer. The girls, one of which sounds like she just left the dentist office, are picked off one by one until we reach the “dramatic” conclusion.

SBM7

last weekend (ED: I quit)

In summary, this movie is just one giant turd in your face. I’ve had more fun trying to pee on a floater in the toilet. And that’s what this movie is. A floater in the toilet. You’d think the director could have done a better job than he did with what must be a budget of 412 dollars. Unfortunately, he, along with everyone else in this movie, failed miserably. I don’t really have a clever way to rate this film so I’ll just give it two thumbs, in my eyes.

SBM5

this morning

On a final note, here’s a still from the movie:

SBM2

even this couldn’t salvage “SBM”. Yawn. Fart. Poop.

18 comments

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