Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 20: SHARK WEEK (2012)

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Entry by: CINEMA SCHMINEMA

(OUR SECOND SHARK THEMED ENTRY!!!)

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Shark Week

As we all know, I watch a SHIT ton of movies that would be appropriate for SHITFEST 2013, so it was difficult to decide how to go about preparing my entry.  Take something old from my site?  Watch something terrible that I would never blog about on my site?  (Hey, it could happen!) Or just watch something entirely new that I wasn’t familiar with?  I decided to go with the last one and stumbled across the wonderfully titled Shark Week (we all know how I love my creature features!).  This is one of those shit-tacular movies I love to hate on because it seriously, at times, left me with a lack of words.  I’d like to say it was because I was watching on about 5 hours of sleep in 3 weeks while I worked on data entry but no…no….I can’t make excuses for this movie.

So let’s just dive in here shall we?  Get it?  Dive?  *giggles*

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  • WTF am I watching?  “Get your house in order”.  I know you’re about to be eaten by a shark but seriously must we be so fucking melodramatic?
  • And now it’s all dudes drinking tequila.  See people, bar fights are no fun if they’re in an empty bar.
  • I don’t know what’s happening here.   Are people being kidnapped around the globe?  And if so why are they all being kidnapped from bars and restaurants with weird ass names?
  • So um…this is Saw but with sharks?
  • Omg, slow motion shark action!  Teensy little baby sharks that I think are made of plastic or something.  Why, GOD, why???  Sorry, got a little carried away in the spirit of melodrama here.
  • Or maybe it’s more like a game show?  It’s like a cross between Monster Brawl and Saw.  So much confusion.
  • Okay, so Kenny Rogers has set up a gauntlet where they have to fight sharks to live.  And Stockard Channing wannabe is stoned I think…
  • No, really, these baby sharks are the size of goldfish.  “They’re everywhere!” someone screams as people poke the water with their fingers to fight them off.  And someone just asked if they’re dangerous.
  • Kenny Rogers says this is not a game and yet…it was so just clearly stated that it was.  A revenge game, sure but still.
  • Why do people insist on saying, “I don’t want to die!” in movies like this?  Who WANTS to die by being eaten by a shark in a twisted game? I swear, I’m going to make a movie where everyone does exactly the opposite of this shit.
  • Doesn’t everyone have kidnapping insurance?
  • This is probably a stupid question but if they just stay in the jungle instead of going back in the water, won’t they be okay?  No, that’s just silly?  Okay.
  • Ah-ha!  They’ve found their common denominator!  They were all involved in the capture/death of Kenny Rogers’ son!
  • Aw, hell yea, we just entered into SyFy territory with that “mini-earthquake/landslide/earth just disappearing so they end up in water” bit.
  • Kenny Rogers has a thing for pearls apparently.  Interesting….
  • 1st shark movie I’ve seen without Brooke Hogan in it.  I’m missing her right about now…
  • I’m sorry, did that poorly done CGI shark just caress that guy with his tail?  If I see shark/human sex, I quit this movie so hard.
  • Oh hey, did you know you can drown a shark?  Yeppers.
  • Really, now we’re going to try hypnotizing sharks?
  • I am learning so much about sharks watching this!!
  • I neither know nor care if people are still being killed off at this point.
  • Oh CGI fire, you are awesome.
  • Stupidest revenge plan EVER.

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And in the end a whole bunch of people died in stupid ways and one girl was left standing and I still have no idea why Kenny Rogers was quite so upset about his son, how exactly his son died (because it seemed like a drive by shooting?) and who exactly helped him carry out this atrocity of a revenge plan (minus Stockard Channing’s wannabe, I mean).  This ranks up there amongst the stupidest and shittiest of movies I have watched which is saying something.  Silly, silly Shark Week – you go crawl in a hole somewhere, shrivel up and die.

37 comments

  1. Sharks can drown depending on what species they are. Great whites and makos are obligate ram breathers, which means they have to constantly swim with their mouths open so that water flows through the mouth and across the gills (ram ventilation). This is why Quint said in Jaws, “I’m gonna draw him into the shallows… gonna draw him in and drown him.” Kenny Rogers also breathes this way.

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  2. GaryLee828

    At first I thought you were referring to the annual event that comes on Discovery (or whatever channel it airs) and I was thinking “Shark Week” doesn’t belong on the shitfest list! I thought you must have been a real stickler for your shark facts. lol. But now I see there’s a movie by the same title. A movie I now must see! lol. Is this on netflix streaming?

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  3. I don’t know if you have seen a shark movie where the shark jump off the water to “bite” an F16 plane that’s flying low to bomb the aforementioned shark… the jet fell into the sea and exploded.

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  4. I’m only going to say one thing: I think I a copy of this lying around somewhere be back soon!! *runs off to desperately find DVD*

    PS. Best shark b-grade shark review EVER!

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    • I’ve been told at least 3 times now I need to see “Shark in Venice”, lol. I had it in my hands once last year but didn’t have time to watch. It’s definitely on my list though! And yes, crappy shark movies rock my socks.

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