Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 24: HERCULES IN NEW YORK (1969)

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Entry by: TERRY MALLOY’S PIGEON COOP

STANG!

Hercules in New York

Hercules in New York was Arnie’s first film since becoming Mr Universe for the fourth time in 1970. He’s credited in the film as Arnold Strong and his Austrian accent was so thick that his lines had to be redubbed, although you can now get the original sometimes impossible to understand version.

To be honest, it’s difficult to know where to start with just how shit Hercules in New York is, and it’s pretty difficult to do it justice just with words. In fact, it’s one of those films that’s so awful it’s actually kinda funny. Everything about the film is just laughable, from the lighting and editing to the acting and camerawork.

Here’s a quick rundown of the plot: After convincing his father, Zeus, to let him go to Earth, Hercules does some stuff, annoys some people, meets a dippy girl, takes his shirt off a lot, fights a bear, something with some gangsters I think, goes back to Olympus. Fin.

Here are some of my favourite things about the film:

  • That Mount Olympus is clearly just an ever so slightly dressed up park
  • Hercules scaring people by flying past a passenger plane
  • Arnie’s awful turtleneck sweater
  • About a forklift: “a fine chariot but where are zee horses?”
  • How Arnie pronounces the word ‘discus’
  • Arnie’s deadpan delivery of almost all his lines
  • Turning off a lamp and someone not turning the studio lights off until a fraction of a second later
  • During the scenes in New York, people turning round to look at the camera
  • The bear fight. Oh my god the bear fight. First the lighting is terrible and then he scraps with what is clearly a guy in a bear costume that actually punches back.

I could go on forever. Instead, here’s a clip to do the justice I simply cannot…

Normally with shit films, I’d urge everyone to stay away, but I just can’t do that here. It’s so terrible that it almost deserves to be seen.

***

From the host: I hate to hop onto this fantastic review but I wanted to make a note – I have 17 of these things left to post (and only ten days left in the month) and I don’t want to leave anyone out so I am going to have to double post a lot and showcase your work on the weekends. When I do that it’s not me picking favorites or anything to share the spotlight, it’s just going to be based on my workload and what I can get scheduled. I never thought I’d get a response like this and this has been unbelievable fun!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING!!!!

28 comments

  1. The funny thing is, that guy in the bear costume was just on his way to a fancy dress party, minding his own business. NOTE: I haven’t seen this movie, I’m just making it up. But I want it to be true.

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  2. I’ve actually seen this one! A very long time ago. The only thing I remember about this movie is when he first gets to New York and doesn’t understand that by “bucks” and “dough” a guy means money. He thinks they’re talking about deer! Oh Hercules, whatever will you think of next?

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