Death Spa (1989)
Spoiler alert: this is an AWFUL movie. That does not mean I don’t like it. I enjoyed it quite a lot. I just wish the person who wrote the incredible line, “I’m beta and you’re VHS,” spoken by a gay man brushing off a predatory woman, had written the rest of the screenplay.
At least there is lots of gore and plenty of naked women in a group shower. I was looking through the credits and noticed Tane McClure’s name. I said to my husband, “I didn’t see Tane McClure in this movie,” and he said, “I’m sure she was in the shower.”
This has all the great 80s horror conventions. You know who the killer is from the beginning, someone gets killed being seduced by a ghost, someone uses food as foreplay, somebody gets killed while sneaking off to meet someone they shouldn’t be meeting, a tanning bed scene, a sauna scene, bodies that are never found after days of lying around in the health club, and the whole thing leads up to a party that can’t be cancelled where you know everyone is gonna die. There’s even a song at the end that describes what went on in the movie. Then there are the bonuses: a hand in a blender, an exploding hand, an exploding torso, and Merritt Butrick rolling around on the floor in drag.
But with all that, it still manages to be only fit for those who seek out bad movies on purpose. I would say this would be great for a remake, except that you couldn’t make this today. Remember, the whole plot hinges on the spa being run by a computer that only one person can operate, and he’s evil. Nowadays you could just fire him and bring in your second grader to run the computer for a dollar a day.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and watch Aerobicide.