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Mega Piranha


Mega Piranha is ninety-two minutes long. That’s ninety-two minutes of sweet, pre­cious life down the crapper.

It’s the second movie in what is uncom­monly known as The Faded Eighties Pop Icon Mega Creature Fea­ture Tri­logyMega Shark vs Giant Octopus is the first one, and Mega Python vs Gat­or­oid is the third.

There is a fourth, Mega Shark vs Cro­cosaurus, but that stars neither Debbie Gib­son or Tiffany, so remains an errant blob of shit, blas­ted off the rim of the mega creature turd bucket.

The plot, then. Tiffany is part of an out­reach pro­gram designed to help down-on-their-luck pop stars from the eighties gain a foothold in the highly com­pet­it­ive arena of piranha research. Spe­cific­ally, the need to exper­i­ment on them so that they grow freakin’ massive for no clear reason.

(Per­son­ally, I’m not a fan of such out­reach pro­grams. They tried it once before in the sev­en­ties, and a giant moth cre­ated byKool and the Gang ended up des­troy­ing the coast­line along New Jer­sey, to the beat of a throb­bing disco soundtrack.)

Enter stage left, Paul Logan as Spe­cial Agent Fitch. He’s in town to clean up the mess made by Tiffany before it gets out of control.



I’ve not fol­lowed Paul Logan’s career all that closely, but I have to say, he immerses him­self in the role: dis­tant, hard to read, dead eyed. All you would expect of a tough gov­ern­ment oper­at­ive who has seen too much, maybe punched too many walls, and has shut down, remov­ing all empathy and emo­tion from his personality.

It’s a tour de force. Of shit acting.

His face becomes more anim­ated when under attack from CGI piran­has. But hon­estly? I think that’s just because they paid a guy to stand off­screen and peri­od­ic­ally jab Logan’s spine with a cattle prod.


As for Tiffany, she seems more afraid of her next line than any piranha, so much so that I think the guy with the cattle prod actu­ally had a gun in his other hand, and would press the muzzle to his fore­head — mock exe­cu­tion style — should she stumble over her dialogue.

How­ever, it would be unfair to single her out, as every­one here acts like they’re in a porn movie, filling in time before the rumpy pumpy. Can you ima­gine watch­ing a badly acted porn movie without any actual porn? That’s Mega Piranha in a nutshell.

It’s a tough film to watch, and can­not be viewed in the con­ven­tional way that other movies are. It can only be seen in what I call…


  1. INNOCENCE: You sit down to watch Mega Piranha. This seems like it might be a fun movie. It has Tiffany in it. And piranhas.
  2. BETRAYAL: After ten minutes you real­ise Mega Piranha is a huge stink­ing turd of a movie. You should have known bet­ter. But you were inno­cent. Now that inno­cence has been crushed.
  3. DESPAIR: You sol­dier on, but it’s tough. The movie seems to be get­ting worse. How can this be? You’ve just seen a guy repel fifty piran­has by bicycle kick­ing them back into the river. It sounds much bet­ter on paper.
  4. DENIAL: You now refuse to believe that the film really is this bad. You try switch­ing your brain off, punch­ing your­self in the face, stick­ing pins under­neath your fin­ger­nails, any­thing to increase the rel­at­ive enjoy­ment of this huge stink­ing turd of a movie.
  5. ANGER: That’s it! You’ve had enough! You can’t watch any more! You won’twatch any more! Fuck this movie! You turn off the TV and walk away.
  6. REBIRTH: Weeks pass. You’ve recon­nec­ted with the world, made new friends, climbed a moun­tain for char­ity. You’re look­ing tanned, healthy, at ease. You’ve star­ted to learn a new lan­guage, and taken up pot­tery classes. People com­ment on how you seem to be a much more pos­it­ive individual.
  7. INNOCENCE: One day, you notice that Mega Piranha is still where you left it in the DVD player. Feel­ing good about your­self, about the world, fatally lulled into a false sense of secur­ity, you decide to pick up on the film where you left off.

RETURN TO STAGE 1. Repeat all stages until you have fin­ished watch­ing Mega Piranha. If the movie ends any­where dur­ing stages 2 to 5, pro­ceed dir­ectly to theBONUS STAGE.

  • BONUS STAGE: Just pop a Mega Piranha DVD in a jiffy bag, along with one of your turds (the big­ger the bet­ter), and post it to the cre­at­ors of this movie. Altern­at­ively, just post a turd, if you don’t want to waste money on the film. You might as well have a wee in there as well.

You won’t get those ninety-two minutes of life back, but the dir­ector of this movie will receive a turd (with some wee wee on it) in the post. I call that a result.


  1. GaryLee828

    I heard about this — Tiffany beat out Jessica Chastain for this role! Jessica was so mad about this, but said she would just settle for “Take Shelter” with Michael Shannon; she was pretty upset about this turn of events as she had her heart set on co-starring with Paul Logan. She still hates Tiffany to this day! But she’s not giving up hope and has sworn to land the lead role in the sequel! True perseverance!


  2. Rumpy pumpy! That’s got to be one of the best euphemisms for sexytimes ever. One of my friends has taken to calling it “slapping pissers” which I also find hilarious.
    I’m curious about a part of that tagline on the poster… “They were created to save mankind”. What the eff? How and what were the mega piranhas going to save mankind from?!?!


  3. Reblogged this on Bananas About Movies and commented:
    My second review (the first was Shark in Venice) has just appeared as part of Shitfest 2013 over at Isaacs Pictures Conclusions. It’s a review of the really shitty Mega Piranha, starring eighties pop sensation, Tiffany. Don’t forget to check out all the other Shitfest entries while you’re over there too!


    • I tried to reblog this, but I use my own theme, which it appears I haven’t got set up right for reblogging. So it hasn’t reblogged properly. Apologies, but the link above just leads to a 404 page on my site. So don’t bother clicking on it.


  4. I won’t be upset about not winning Shitfest, provided this wins instead. Fine work, good fella. Fine work indeed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to crap in a bag.

    By the way, “slapping pissers”? Really?


  5. chris

    awesome review. could be my favorite so far. tour de force of shit acting.awesome. however, i’m not sure what to think about the whole slapping pissers topic. eric and i used to slap pissers all the time but there was never any sex involved. at least thats what eric told me


  6. Wow. This poster is right up there with Shark in Venice. That’s brilliant. Wait…TIFFANY?!? My god, forget Shark in Venice, this poster takes the cakes.


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