Mega Piranha is ninety-two minutes long. That’s ninety-two minutes of sweet, precious life down the crapper.
It’s the second movie in what is uncommonly known as The Faded Eighties Pop Icon Mega Creature Feature Trilogy. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus is the first one, and Mega Python vs Gatoroid is the third.
There is a fourth, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus, but that stars neither Debbie Gibson or Tiffany, so remains an errant blob of shit, blasted off the rim of the mega creature turd bucket.
The plot, then. Tiffany is part of an outreach program designed to help down-on-their-luck pop stars from the eighties gain a foothold in the highly competitive arena of piranha research. Specifically, the need to experiment on them so that they grow freakin’ massive for no clear reason.
(Personally, I’m not a fan of such outreach programs. They tried it once before in the seventies, and a giant moth created byKool and the Gang ended up destroying the coastline along New Jersey, to the beat of a throbbing disco soundtrack.)
Enter stage left, Paul Logan as Special Agent Fitch. He’s in town to clean up the mess made by Tiffany before it gets out of control.
I’ve not followed Paul Logan’s career all that closely, but I have to say, he immerses himself in the role: distant, hard to read, dead eyed. All you would expect of a tough government operative who has seen too much, maybe punched too many walls, and has shut down, removing all empathy and emotion from his personality.
It’s a tour de force. Of shit acting.
His face becomes more animated when under attack from CGI piranhas. But honestly? I think that’s just because they paid a guy to stand offscreen and periodically jab Logan’s spine with a cattle prod.
As for Tiffany, she seems more afraid of her next line than any piranha, so much so that I think the guy with the cattle prod actually had a gun in his other hand, and would press the muzzle to his forehead — mock execution style — should she stumble over her dialogue.
However, it would be unfair to single her out, as everyone here acts like they’re in a porn movie, filling in time before the rumpy pumpy. Can you imagine watching a badly acted porn movie without any actual porn? That’s Mega Piranha in a nutshell.
It’s a tough film to watch, and cannot be viewed in the conventional way that other movies are. It can only be seen in what I call…
THE SEVEN STAGES OF MEGA PIRANHA
- INNOCENCE: You sit down to watch Mega Piranha. This seems like it might be a fun movie. It has Tiffany in it. And piranhas.
- BETRAYAL: After ten minutes you realise Mega Piranha is a huge stinking turd of a movie. You should have known better. But you were innocent. Now that innocence has been crushed.
- DESPAIR: You soldier on, but it’s tough. The movie seems to be getting worse. How can this be? You’ve just seen a guy repel fifty piranhas by bicycle kicking them back into the river. It sounds much better on paper.
- DENIAL: You now refuse to believe that the film really is this bad. You try switching your brain off, punching yourself in the face, sticking pins underneath your fingernails, anything to increase the relative enjoyment of this huge stinking turd of a movie.
- ANGER: That’s it! You’ve had enough! You can’t watch any more! You won’twatch any more! Fuck this movie! You turn off the TV and walk away.
- REBIRTH: Weeks pass. You’ve reconnected with the world, made new friends, climbed a mountain for charity. You’re looking tanned, healthy, at ease. You’ve started to learn a new language, and taken up pottery classes. People comment on how you seem to be a much more positive individual.
- INNOCENCE: One day, you notice that Mega Piranha is still where you left it in the DVD player. Feeling good about yourself, about the world, fatally lulled into a false sense of security, you decide to pick up on the film where you left off.
RETURN TO STAGE 1. Repeat all stages until you have finished watching Mega Piranha. If the movie ends anywhere during stages 2 to 5, proceed directly to theBONUS STAGE.
- BONUS STAGE: Just pop a Mega Piranha DVD in a jiffy bag, along with one of your turds (the bigger the better), and post it to the creators of this movie. Alternatively, just post a turd, if you don’t want to waste money on the film. You might as well have a wee in there as well.
You won’t get those ninety-two minutes of life back, but the director of this movie will receive a turd (with some wee wee on it) in the post. I call that a result.