Going Overboard (1989)
When Eric announced Shitfest 2013 I decided that I would really reach into the bottom of the outhouse and pull out the most vile thing I could find. After pushing aside Kevin Smith’s career, I found the movie that Adam Sandler prays every night that people forget: Going Overboard. This movie is putrid beyond measure. Recent studies have shown that when lab rats are given a choice between being injected with toxic chemicals or watching Going Overboard they choose the needle each time.
Sandler has since moved on to making five-star comedy classics like Jack & Jill, but here in his first attempt at the motion picture business, he stumbles like Lindsay Lohan getting off of a carousel made of heroin needles. It’s like trying to watch your grandmother have sex with King Neptune at her own funeral. So I’m going to do you a favor and recap it so you never have to watch it yourself and avoid a trip to the emergency room after you shove seashells in your eyesockets by the seashore.
So basically the plot is this: Adam Sandler plays Shecky Moskowitz, a cruise ship waiter who doubles as a god damn idiot. Shecky’s dream job is to become the featured comic on the cruise ship, which pays I believe the princely sum of $7,500 a year. The only thing standing in Shecky’s way is Dickie Diamond, the current ship’s comedian. Oh, also, Shecky isn’t funny whatsoever. So I guess that’s two things standing in his way. But Dickie Diamond isn’t funny either, so I guess it doesn’t matter.
By the way, it’s not worth mentioning but unbelievably impacts the story later, Burt Young plays General Noriega, who is somehow watching a tape called “The Unsinkable Shecky Moskowitz,” which is basically the tape of this movie, but he’s watching it simultaneously during the events of this movie, and…my god, what am I typing here? Who thought this was a remotely good idea? The answer: Valerie Breiman, who “wrote” and “directed” this toilet floater. She’s like the Ed Wood of women directors, meaning she conned some people into letting her direct and occasionally wears women’s clothing.
Anyway, after several, several minutes of Shecky saying unfunny things and acting like a helmet-wearing ape and Dickie Diamond saying unfunny things and acting like a douchedrinker, there’s a scene where Shecky begs Dickie Diamond to let him open for him, and it goes on longer than the Titanic. Not the movie Titanic, I mean the amount of time it took the actual boat Titanic to sink, which you really hope happens to the boat in this movie. Long story short, Dickie ends up punching Shecky in the face after he thinks Shecky hit on his Australian girlfriend, who is one of the beauty pageant contestants.
Oh, I guess I should mention, even though it has nothing to do with anything, sprinkled throughout this fecalfest are interview questions with beauty pageant contestants, apparently just because there were beauty pageant contestants on this cruise ship when they were filming. It’s more awkward than finding a used condom in your sock drawer, and you live alone with your mom.
Because of the abundance of dimwitted beauty queens and horny, disgusting guys on this cruise ship, everyone on the boat is getting laid except for Shecky, which he thinks is because he’s not the ships comedian instead of him being ugly and annoying.
There are a lot of dumb dream sequences in this, like Shecky daydreaming of boxing Dickie, but instead of throwing punches they throw horribly unfunny jokes, like Shecky saying Dickie’s legs look like chopsticks. It’s as funny as burning your tongue on a cup of boiling hot piss. Shecky also has a dream that he’s in a straitjacket and Dickie… You know what, who gives a f*ck. This movie is giving me sea sickness, and I blame 90% of that on the script.
During one of the nonsensical pageant girl interviews, we go back to General Noriega watching the tape, and Miss Australia is insulting Noriega on the tape for who knows what reason, and Noriega orders his henchmen to find her and kill her. WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING??!! And it turns out Dickie Diamond told Miss Australia to say those things about Noriega? Why?? Ironically, Going Overboard is what they show to terrorists in Guantanamo Bay to get them to talk.
There’s an incredibly long scene where Dickie Diamond gets seasick or diarrhea or something and gets locked in the bathroom. Since his hat fell into the ocean, everyone assumes he’s dead, but that only applies to Valerie Breiman’s career. Looks like it’s Shecky’s time to shine!!!
Let’s check my notes: Oh my god there’s like 50 minutes left in this movie. I hate myself.
Oh look it’s Billy Zane. This marks the second-worst boat movie he’s ever been in.
And hey look, Billy Bob Thornton is in this! That reminds me of another movie that’s funnier than this one: Sling Blade.
So Shecky tries his comedy routine and nobody likes him, which isn’t surprising at all. Then a rock star who’s kind of part of the plot but not really and has scenes with Peter Berg that go nowhere gets up and sings and I fast-forward through that part.
At this point, I check to see how much time is left every 6 seconds. It’s really not worth recapping and barely even possible. This movie is such a f*cking mess the Betamax box it comes in should be filled with cat litter and sawdust. Nothing is remotely funny. Poor Milton Berle makes a cameo to give Shecky joke advice, and even the jokes he tells aren’t funny. It’s unclear if this is supposed to be another dream sequence or not, but the way it’s shot makes Uncle Milty look like Bub from Day of the Dead.
So Shecky goes back to the ship and tells jokes that are just as unfunny as ever but for some reason now everyone’s laughing. Noriega’s henchmen show up on the ship, and you hope beyond hope that they’re there to slaughter everyone, but they’re just there to not be funny.
The henchmen chase Miss Australia, Shecky and his lover Bob around the ship for 97 hours, and Shecky’s shirt keeps changing colors on purpose, because that’s supposed to be funny, but nobody watching this is laughing because everyone’s out in the garage with their car running.
So, I don’t know man, Shecky starts telling jokes and one of the terrorists starts telling jokes and nothing is funny once again and you just want the grim reaper to tap you on the shoulder and give you sweet release from this life of Going Overboard.
So blah, blah, blah, the terrorists actually throw Dickie Diamond overboard. Noriega shoots the TV. That’s the only sensible thing that happens during the whole movie. Shecky kisses King Neptune’s daughter, Slimy. I’ve had enough.
I can definitely say without question that Going Overboard is one of the worst movies ever made. Every bad thing you’ve ever heard about this movie is 100% true. If sharks are attacking your family during a scuba dive, playing this movie at them will make them go away. Watching Going Overboard was a method of execution in Texas until it was deemed legally inhumane in 1996. If you start this movie on Netflix Instant a creepy old man should appear at your front door and warn you not to go any further. If you watch this, you’ll clear the bile out of your mouth long enough to tell me I was right, but you can’t because you won’t be able to form coherent sentences for 6 months.
Score: 0 unfunny jokes out of 10,000
From the host: tomorrow’s the last day of SHITFEST!!! : ( This has been a TON of fun and I THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS READ, COMMENTED, SUBMITTED AND LIKED AND EVERYTHING ELSE!!!! I’m not a religious dude but BLESS YOU!! This has been a real blast and we’re already thinking about things to do for next year!! I’ve tried to use every single submission I could – limited by the amount of time I had to work on these things, so if I missed anything, you don’t know how sorry that makes me feel.
After tomorrow morning’s post, be sure to vote!!! I’ll be taking votes until next Friday and then we’ll announce the big winner!!!
eXOXOXOs to you all!!!