Isaacs Picture Conclusions

A DOUBLE FEATURE…………….. OF CRAP!!

This isn’t (I doubt) going to be a regular feature, I just want to record everything I watch (so you don’t have to) (if you don’t want to) and I came across a couple of highly stinky shit bombs that you, The Good and Beloved Reader should certainly avoid. These won’t be in depth write-ups because both of these movies sucked the big one but I want to let you know what I discovered out there.

THE OCCULTIST (1989) ONE TOP HAT

OCCULT1

This fucker was terrible from start to finish. I mean this. The opening scene is a pan from somewhere in New York – a skinny dude and some douchey looking prep boys with their collars turned up are staring at some island in some bay. Skip to the island and there’s a bunch of voodoo and dancing and screaming and chanting and dancing and waving branches and dancing and screaming and chanting and drums and dancing and a pair of floppy tits and it goes on forever and ever and ever and then someone gets skinned alive and you look at your DVD player and it’s only been ten god damn fucking minutes.

Seriously – next queue up some rich girl running through a park and two idiots try and  -something – with her because it sure didn’t look like a rape or a mugging – he just kinds of holds her over his shoulder while she doesn’t struggle but then she’s saved by a guy who shoots bullets out of his fucking fingers because he’s a god damned cyborg. Later on he shoots bullets out of his cock and no it’s not fucking funny whatsoever and later there’s more voodoo and chanting and dancing and screaming and dancing and chanting and branch waving and screaming and hooting and hollering and chanting and screaming and then someone murders someone and then kills herself and then it’s over. THE OCCULTIST is fucking terrible.

YELLOW HAIR AND THE FORTRESS OF GOLD (1984) ONE TOP HAT

YELLOW

I got both of these mother fuckers for the other site I run and both of these terrible pieces of shit aren’t worth the energy to do what I do there. This movie was fucking terrible and blurry and there were Indians who dipped people in butter and an idiotic fool named The Pecos Kid and – I think – Nazis and screaming and banjos and just when you thought something might pay off when Yellow Hair goes to the river to take a bath – NOTHING. I didn’t even finish this stupid movie because I had had enough of The Pecos Kid “yee hawing” and the sound of fake guns and everything else about this horrible pile of poo.

I think this is the cover that Netflix had promoting this (although in English), so you can see where I might have been mislead – because nothing like this happens once. Fuck these two movies!!

YELLOW2

***

On a different note, since these two movies sucked so bad, I wanted to add that we’re always trying out new features here, things we hope will make The Good and Most Beloved Reader happy. We’re currently working on something that I think is pretty damn funny and I hope to have it next week in the Thursday slot, hopefully. Anyway, this afternoon I went to the break room at HQ to microwave a 99 cent Banquet frozen dinner – a hamburger patty with onions on it, with mac and cheese as the side – so fucking god damn delicious – puke – and right before I turned the corner I overheard this:

“Seems like she’s overreacting by murdering her tit. ”

And I couldn’t have been more pleased. Of course, when I entered the room, the boys shut up and stammered something like:

Brian: “HUH UM UH HUMPH DID YOU CATCH THAT BREWERS GAME LAST NIGHT???”

Brad: “We live in New Jersey. No. Hand me those bratwursts.”

That’s a very cryptic hint to an upcoming post and I hope you stick around for it. Thanks for reading!!!

18 comments

  1. Most of the time it’s like you speak a different language and not just the stolen English one you yanks use. But I love it and you regardless. Keep watching the shit so no one else has too dude!! 🙂

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  2. GaryLee828

    Shitfest is over, and you just have to accept it! There was nothing you could do to bring it back! Get on with your life, man! That’s what Scrotey would’ve wanted!

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      • GaryLee828

        You know maybe what you could do instead of having a Shitfest Fall is to just create an additional shitfest blog – like you and Chris have the blog for 3’s company and other spoofs; you don’t have to post daily, you could just post a submission every 2-3 days depending on how many submissions people are sending you; maybe you can post like 10-12 a month; and there can be a winner each month, but no monetary prizes as this would get expensive; but what it would do is build community and help warn other fellow bloggers if a film sucks. If a film make the “Shit Blog” then you’ve been warned; of course all submissions would be in archives so bloggers can peruse the list to find out which films made the dreaded “shit list”.

        Maybe each month you could select a volunteer to be that month’s judge of the submissions – and that month the judge is not eligible to win…

        Maybe the winner of each month could be the following month’s judge; like maybe Tim could judge the first month…

        Just brainstorming ideas…

        I think this way you could still post serious reviews on THIS page without it getting mixed-up with all the shitfest entries; b/c as of now your blog feels like a comedy page, which I know wasn’t your intention; i know you wanted aspects of comedy, but you also wanted to write serious reviews…

        But anyway, this is just an idea I had…

        Maybe others can chime in with their feelings?

        I just can’t imagine people wouldn’t enjoy a separate ongoing shitfest page for all the crappy films out there – while at the same time being able to come here where you can write more serious reviews…

        Honestly, I couldn’t tell if “Night of the Demons” was a serious entry, or another shitfest-ish review; at first I thought it was a shitfest entry, but it seemed you genuinely liked it, so I was a little confused. lol.

        Anyway, what does everyone think??

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      • theipc

        Gary – my site has always been a mix of good and shit. This started off as place where my friend and I could talk more “salty” about movies then we could on our work computers. Then it evolved into railing on shitty films no one should ever see. (I think that’s on my “what this is about” page). I think these two movies today and something from last week just happened to come at the end of of Shitfest and you and I have just recently met so you are familiar with the almost 2 years of history out here : ) Check out my Movie Index page – there’s plenty of shit material out here.

        I do like the idea of a Shitfest blog though… I’ll have to give it some more thought but I think the festival made it more special.. 🙂

        Also – if you click on my header, it will take you to my “home page” and you can see my “tag line” – I have never taken myself or movies – or much for that matter – too seriously. I’m a Sagittarius, we don’t take things seriously, LOL!

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  3. I believe you’re wrong about both of these movies – The Occultist has to be a good movie; look at that beautiful Windows OS circa 1994, Photo-Maker cover art – that says good stuff for sure! And, the second movie has to be zen-like goodness with a tittle like; YELLOW HAIR AND THE FORTRESS OF GOLD. I think you should give them both another watch, you must be missing something 🙂

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