This isn’t (I doubt) going to be a regular feature, I just want to record everything I watch (so you don’t have to) (if you don’t want to) and I came across a couple of highly stinky shit bombs that you, The Good and Beloved Reader should certainly avoid. These won’t be in depth write-ups because both of these movies sucked the big one but I want to let you know what I discovered out there.
THE OCCULTIST (1989) ONE TOP HAT
This fucker was terrible from start to finish. I mean this. The opening scene is a pan from somewhere in New York – a skinny dude and some douchey looking prep boys with their collars turned up are staring at some island in some bay. Skip to the island and there’s a bunch of voodoo and dancing and screaming and chanting and dancing and waving branches and dancing and screaming and chanting and drums and dancing and a pair of floppy tits and it goes on forever and ever and ever and then someone gets skinned alive and you look at your DVD player and it’s only been ten god damn fucking minutes.
Seriously – next queue up some rich girl running through a park and two idiots try and -something – with her because it sure didn’t look like a rape or a mugging – he just kinds of holds her over his shoulder while she doesn’t struggle but then she’s saved by a guy who shoots bullets out of his fucking fingers because he’s a god damned cyborg. Later on he shoots bullets out of his cock and no it’s not fucking funny whatsoever and later there’s more voodoo and chanting and dancing and screaming and dancing and chanting and branch waving and screaming and hooting and hollering and chanting and screaming and then someone murders someone and then kills herself and then it’s over. THE OCCULTIST is fucking terrible.
YELLOW HAIR AND THE FORTRESS OF GOLD (1984) ONE TOP HAT
I got both of these mother fuckers for the other site I run and both of these terrible pieces of shit aren’t worth the energy to do what I do there. This movie was fucking terrible and blurry and there were Indians who dipped people in butter and an idiotic fool named The Pecos Kid and – I think – Nazis and screaming and banjos and just when you thought something might pay off when Yellow Hair goes to the river to take a bath – NOTHING. I didn’t even finish this stupid movie because I had had enough of The Pecos Kid “yee hawing” and the sound of fake guns and everything else about this horrible pile of poo.
I think this is the cover that Netflix had promoting this (although in English), so you can see where I might have been mislead – because nothing like this happens once. Fuck these two movies!!
On a different note, since these two movies sucked so bad, I wanted to add that we’re always trying out new features here, things we hope will make The Good and Most Beloved Reader happy. We’re currently working on something that I think is pretty damn funny and I hope to have it next week in the Thursday slot, hopefully. Anyway, this afternoon I went to the break room at HQ to microwave a 99 cent Banquet frozen dinner – a hamburger patty with onions on it, with mac and cheese as the side – so fucking god damn delicious – puke – and right before I turned the corner I overheard this:
“Seems like she’s overreacting by murdering her tit. ”
And I couldn’t have been more pleased. Of course, when I entered the room, the boys shut up and stammered something like:
Brian: “HUH UM UH HUMPH DID YOU CATCH THAT BREWERS GAME LAST NIGHT???”
Brad: “We live in New Jersey. No. Hand me those bratwursts.”
That’s a very cryptic hint to an upcoming post and I hope you stick around for it. Thanks for reading!!!