I guess it’s time for my V/H/S 2 send up. I should start this off with a little bit of this: I work for a very large company which comes with a shitload of down time. While some people put on the radio or read a book when it’s slow, I pop a movie in this little DVD player and take a peek. It might take me a day or two to get through one, but that’s how I do most of my movie watching. Well – movie watching that I write about. At nights and on the weekends I watch movies with the wife that are “wife friendly” since she doesn’t like horror – you know, like The Decoy Bride and The Sitter and Jack Reacher and such. What does all this bullshit mean? Why don’t you just shut up, Isaacs, you ask. V/H/S 2 might not have had a fair chance because, when I sat down to watch this, I had just dealt with about 3000 fucking people while dropping my wife off at a charity walk, so I was very crabby, by myself on a Friday night, getting loaded on beer. I’ve been thinking about this for over a week now and I still contend that I liked the first one better, although the technical and gore aspects of number 2 blow the first to shit. And this one even has a set of boobs. And I am sure there will be spoilers up in here.
I’m sure everyone who reads this place has already read a shitpot full of reviews about this so I’ll keep it short. Well – as short as I can. I have a habit of getting on about something an never shut up. The wrap around story this time is called “Tape 49” and it’s better than the one in the first but still didn’t cause me to turn flips. A couple of
Magnum P.I.s are searching for a missing kid so they bust into his house and start watching VHS tapes. By about beer 6 as the first sequence ended, I thought, “Who sill watches video tapes?”
The first video tape played is called “Clinical Trials” and it’s about a guy who gets an artificial eyeball and now he can see dead people. Along comes a girl with an artificial ear and she can hear dead people. Nothing really worked for me in this one and I remember that when the girl shows up at the dude’s doorstep, it’s broad daylight and as they move in to the interior of the house it’s night outside. Eventually he pops out his fake eyeball and gets killed. Technicals = very good. The story = not so much.
The second one is called “A Ride in the Park” and it is 100% BALLS OUT AWESOME!!!! It’s first person POV of what it’s like to get attacked and turned into a zombie!! There’s gut eating galore, wicked special effects and when they all converge on that birthday party I was all “YES!!! YES!!!” Easily the best out of the two movies.
A LOT of people really love the third – “Safe Haven” – and I commend them for doing so. For one, I was on about my 7th beer when this started and 2) I don’t consider myself a big puss but I don’t like movies that make me turn my head, like in Planet Terror when they are looking at all of those pictures of diseased and rotting cocks. This one was pretty disgusting and made me grimace and go “EWWWWWWWWWWW” several times. Definitely not my bag, man.
The last one is called “Alien Abduction Slumber Party” and, for those of you that have been hanging around for a while will know two things: I don’t like “obnoxious” anything(s) and I don’t like “obnoxious, irritating kids”. This one was full of obnoxious and irritating kids and I was actually rooting for the aliens and then, god dammit – WHY’D THEY HAVE TO KILL FUCKING DOG???? Why does every director these days have to use that gimmick and kill a dog. Screw that!!
I don’t know if this GIF will work but there’s a shot from the first movie. I just re-read my write up about the first and confirmed that I liked it better. I don’t regret watching this one bit, I just thought the first one did more for a guy like me. More “subtle” (except for the idiots in the wrap around). Bring on number 3!!