Isaacs Picture Conclusions

V/H/S 2 (2013) THREE TOP HATS

VHS2A

I guess it’s time for my V/H/S 2 send up. I should start this off with a little bit of this: I work for a very large company which comes with a shitload of down time. While some people put on the radio or read a book when it’s slow, I pop a movie in this little DVD player and take a peek. It might take me a day or two to get through one, but that’s how I do most of  my movie watching. Well – movie watching that I write about. At nights and on the weekends I watch movies with the wife that are “wife friendly” since she doesn’t like horror – you know, like The Decoy Bride and The Sitter and Jack Reacher and such. What does all this bullshit mean? Why don’t you just shut up, Isaacs, you ask. V/H/S 2 might not have had a fair chance because, when I sat down to watch this, I had just dealt with about 3000 fucking people while dropping my wife off at a charity walk, so I was very crabby, by myself on a Friday night, getting loaded on beer. I’ve been thinking about this for over a week now and I still contend that I liked the first one better, although the technical and gore aspects of number 2 blow the first to shit. And this one even has a set of boobs. And I am sure there will be spoilers up in here.

VHS2F

I’m sure everyone who reads this place has already read a shitpot full of reviews about this so I’ll keep it short. Well – as short as I can. I have a habit of getting on about something an never shut up. The wrap around story this time is called “Tape 49” and it’s better than the one in the first but still didn’t cause me to turn flips. A couple of Magnum P.I.s are searching for a missing kid so they bust into his house and start watching VHS tapes. By about beer 6 as the first sequence ended, I thought, “Who sill watches video tapes?”

VHS2B

The first video tape played is called “Clinical Trials” and it’s about a guy who gets an artificial eyeball and now he can see dead people.  Along comes a girl with an artificial ear and she can hear dead people. Nothing really worked for me in this one and I remember that when the girl shows up at the dude’s doorstep, it’s broad daylight and as they move in to the interior of the house it’s night outside.  Eventually he pops out his fake eyeball and gets killed. Technicals = very good. The story = not so much.

VHS2C

The second one is called “A Ride in the Park” and it is 100% BALLS OUT AWESOME!!!! It’s first person POV of what it’s like to get attacked and turned into a zombie!! There’s gut eating galore, wicked special effects and when they all converge on that birthday party I was all “YES!!! YES!!!”  Easily the best out of the two movies.

VHS2D

A LOT of people really love the third – “Safe Haven” – and I commend them for doing so. For one, I was on about my 7th beer when this started and 2) I don’t consider myself a big puss but I don’t like movies that make me turn my head, like in Planet Terror when they are looking at all of those pictures of diseased and rotting cocks. This one was pretty disgusting and made me grimace and go “EWWWWWWWWWWW” several times. Definitely not my bag, man.

VHS2E

The last one is called “Alien Abduction Slumber Party” and, for those of you that have been hanging around for a while will know two things: I don’t like “obnoxious” anything(s) and I don’t like “obnoxious, irritating kids”. This one was full of obnoxious and irritating kids and I was actually rooting for the aliens and then, god dammit – WHY’D THEY HAVE TO KILL FUCKING DOG???? Why does every director these days have to use that gimmick and kill a dog. Screw that!!

I LIKE YOU

I don’t know if this GIF will work but there’s a shot from the first movie. I just re-read my write up about the first and confirmed that I liked it better. I don’t regret watching this one bit, I just thought the first one did more for a guy like me. More “subtle” (except for the idiots in the wrap around). Bring on number 3!!

25 comments

  1. Understandable, we can still be friends. I thought ‘Safe Haven’ was pretty special, easily the best short of both films. The zombie one was cool because you pretty much learn right along with the character on how to become a zombie. Very cool.

    Like

  2. Excellent write up! I loved this film and I’m glad to hear you enjoyed it. Safe Haven is easily the best segment of the franchise so far. The Alien Abduction short got to me cause I can’t f-ing stand aliens! The zombie short ending almost brought me to tears. The sobs and phone call and the whole suicide thing was fantastic. Again, great job :).

    Like

  3. Good review. Not as tense or as spine-tingling as the first one was at times, but still pretty solid nonetheless. Let’s just hope they find more and more creative ideas as the sequels continue on.

    Like

  4. Okay, I had to skip over your actual review because I haven’t seen it yet and didn’t want to get any sneak previews of it. I’ll come back and read it through after I’ve seen it. However, I couldn’t help noticing: Jack Reacher?????? Oy vey, dude. I’m so sorry. Are you okay?

    Like

  5. I totally hear you on the “wife not into horror movies” thing and it stinks sometimes, but I guess it kinda forces you to watch other stuff you normally might not be so inclined to.
    I respect your opinion but disagree. VHS2 mops the floor with the first one.

    Like

    • theipc

      I did – that third segment was very gnarly. The zombie one was pretty gross too but it was fun. I’m sure you can probably already youtube it…

      Like

  6. Okay now that I’ve seen it, I was able to read your whole review. I am in agreement–the first one was better but this wasn’t bad. I’d give it three top hats too. The zombie one was AWESOME, Mr. Weebs and I were all, “You don’t SEE things from the first-person view of the actual zombie!” I actually really liked the ending of Safe Haven but the rest of it was kind of ick. The bionic eyeball one was Eh. And the alien one, YES–why did they have to kill the dog????????????? That fucking pissed me off.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: