I am not the type of guy to use the phrase “this movie doesn’t know what it wants to be” – because I hate that phrase, but I don’t really understand what the ultimate goal of this movie was. It transitions from a bloody, gritty, medieval “crusade” to search out a village that’s not infected with the Black Plague in the 14th century (which is presumably protected by a Satan worshiping necromancer) into a preachy, violent clash between Pagans and Christians and then into an all-of-a-sudden voice over narrated conclusion that left me shrugging my fucking shoulders.
Bean: “Don’t you go and spoil Game of Thrones, boy.”
Other guy: “Do you need some money to buy a razor?”
It’s too bad – this is from the guy who did the very good TRIANGLE… I don’t really know why this showed up in the horror queue of Apple TV, I guess because it was pretty bloody, but it sure didn’t offer anything frightening other than the idea of being alive during the Plague and having those gruesome pustules on my body… or by not wanting to be drawn and quartered by a couple of horses. Overall, I suppose it’s not too bad, for the violent clashes and the camera work, but the drawn out, voice over conclusion sure didn’t do anything for me.
Boy Monk: “Love me. I am freshly shaved. Everywhere.”
Girl: “Everywhere????”
Boy Monk: “Even my eyebrows.”
Grizzly Sean Bean returns to us, this time as a chain mailed lead of a Christian commission to go root out the devil in this village who is keeping the pestilence at bay. It’s funny, the wife came downstairs while I was watching this and said “Is that guy ever in anything where he doesn’t look like that?” Anyway – here he is, growling and scowling in the Lord’s name with his hair covering his eyes – and doing lots of yelling – as he recruits a young monk with protruding lips to show him the way through the marsh to the village in question. The young boy, you see, is questioning his devotion to The Way, you see, because he is in love with a nice young girl, which is forbidden, you see. Along the way they are beset by a gang of thieves who we are made to believe has killed the boy’s girlfriend providing some plot points for later. Eventually, they reach the idyllic village to learn it is inhabited by quaint, good looking, clean, extremely violent Pagans with a preference for crucifying Christians. Let’s just say the two groups don’t get along and a lot of characters end up on the wrong end of the sword. Or the mace. Or “the cage”. There is a particular shot where this movie could have surely ended, with the monk-boy crying in the reeds, but then it goes on for a good 15 or 20 minutes longer with the lame voice over conclusion.
Bean: ” I Know I put a goddamned razor around here somewhere…”
I mean – not that bad, not that swell either. In the end, it makes me want to watch “Triangle” again.
To end this:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MRS. THE IPC, THE LOVE (AND SAVIOR) OF MY LIFE!!!!
Kimberly Nixon is in a very funny tv show over here. Does she get naked in this? I mean, I didnt know she had been in a movie. Anyway, yeah I love Triangle but have always been on the fence about this movie.
More importantly, happy birthday Mrs The IPC 🙂
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Thank you Tyson! 🙂
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THANKS TYSON!!!
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Sounds fun! Happy birthday!
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Thank you Brian!! 🙂
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Thank you sweetie. I love you!!
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Happy Birthday MRS. THE IPC!!! I think you liked this even more than me…I thought it was pretty bad.
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THANKS CHRIS!!! The wife is off to work and does a good job, working hard – I am sure she’ll return the kindness after work.
This movie was “OK” and that’s all.
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Thank you Chris!!!! 😉
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Awesome! Hope he gets you something good.
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I would think that the purpose of this movie, as with all Sean Bean movies, is to watch his death scene. I have not seen the movie, though, so I don’t know.
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It’s pretty gruesome – worse than Game of Thrones – I think you’ll lead a rich, long life even if you never see this.
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It’s kind of sad because I was a fan of his when I first became aware of him, on Sharpe’s Rifles, and I thought he was talented and good looking. Couldn’t wait for him to “make it” in America! Then what I got was the guy who always dies, and is unpleasant.
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LOL!!
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He dies in everything he’s in haha xD
oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MRS. IPC!
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THANKS TIM!!
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Thank you Tim!!!! Or should I say “Mike””?! Ha ha!
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Is that you?!
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That was my wife –
The other day we had a good laugh when that commenter called you Mike on your site and you replied with “Mike??? My name is Tim and it’s all over my site!!!”
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Oh right haha that was good, and it happens more than you’d think xD
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Let me guess, Sean Bean dies at some point? Happy birthday Mrs IPC, we all know she’s the brains behind the operation.
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LOL – I love how most of the comments here are about how we watch these to see Bean get killed!! Yep – drawn and quartered… i guess that’s no spoiler!
THANK YOU!
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Happy birthday, Mrs. IPC!!
Also agreed with your review wholeheartedly. This was pretty sucky. Also depressing as hell.
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THANKS MISTY!!!
Black Death won’t make anyone jump up and dance – that’s for sure…
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Thank you Misty!!!!!
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I really like this movie and love Christopher Smith as a director (so happy you mentioned Triangle!). Although I agree it can’t quite figure out what it wants to do, it’s still very compelling and very well acted. Sean Bean is playing himself, yes, but let him do it! I also really liked Eddie Redmayne in this, even though his character is a bit all over the place. Still, how many movies are set in this awesome time period? Not enough, so everyone we get I gotta love a little bit more than I should.
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Great!! I wish it would have ended about 20 minutes earlier…
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I’m with Nick, I liked it a lot more than you did. But then again, I’m all for those Crusaders getting their arms ripped off. Or just Sean Bean, I guess.
He didn’t die in the latest Silent Hill, I don’t think. He should have, though. Everyone should have. I fucking hate that movie. Maybe he did die. I don’t remember or give a shit.
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That second Silent Hill was fucking awful. It’s actually very rare that I quit a movie but it sucked SO bad I couldn’t continue. Hello SHITFEST FALL!!! But I didn’t finish it so maybe I can’t include it. Silent Hill 2 can eat my shit.
Great that you liked Black Death! Didn’t all work out for me.
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Whoever uses that movie will win it all. You should finish it. If for no other reason, because I did.
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You may be on to something, sir. If you don’t submit it, I will.
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Go ahead. I’m not watching that shit again.
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Ah your reviews can make me laugh. I hope the Mrs. is having a WONDERFUL day!
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THANK YOU ZOE!!!
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Good review. This is exactly the type of movie I make sure to never watch ever. Looks like a boring boy movie. Hope the Mrs had a good birthday and I hope you don’t make her watch shitty movies! 🙂
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No way – we watch wife friendly movies when we’re together : ) I watch things like this by myself…
“This is exactly the type of movie I make sure to never watch ever.” THAT’S what I’m here for!!
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Haha, dude awesome review. I love your opening sentence. I hate it when people use this phrase… so I am going to re-word it slightly and use it to describe this film.
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Thank you sir!!! This was a weird movie – it was all bloody and mean and violent then it got preachy and “deep” and then it was a voiceover mess. LOL
Thanks for reading!!!
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I thought this movie was not half as good as Triangle, which was superb. However, it didn’t bore me and I thought it was an interesting take on paganism and Christianity.
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I thought this movie was just “OK” – it took too long to get to the point and then dragged ass until it was over…. Triangle ROCKED
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