Isaacs Picture Conclusions

BLACK DEATH (2010) THREE TOP HATS

BDEATH1

I am not the type of guy to use the phrase “this movie doesn’t know what it wants to be” – because I hate that phrase, but I don’t really understand what the ultimate goal of this movie was. It transitions from a bloody, gritty, medieval “crusade” to search out a village that’s not infected with the Black Plague in the 14th century (which is presumably protected by a Satan worshiping necromancer) into a preachy, violent clash between Pagans and Christians and then into an all-of-a-sudden voice over narrated conclusion that left me shrugging my fucking shoulders.

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Bean: “Don’t you go and spoil Game of Thrones, boy.”
Other guy: “Do you need some money to buy a razor?”

It’s too bad – this is from the guy who did the very good TRIANGLE… I don’t really know why this showed up in the horror queue of Apple TV, I guess because it was pretty bloody, but it sure didn’t offer anything frightening other than the idea of being alive during the Plague and having those gruesome pustules on my body… or by not wanting to be drawn and quartered by a couple of horses.  Overall, I suppose it’s not too bad, for the violent clashes and the camera work, but the drawn out, voice over conclusion sure didn’t do anything for me.

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Boy Monk: “Love me. I am freshly shaved. Everywhere.”
Girl: “Everywhere????”
Boy Monk: “Even my eyebrows.”

Grizzly Sean Bean returns to us, this time as a chain mailed lead of a Christian commission to go root out the devil in this village who is keeping the pestilence at bay. It’s funny, the wife came downstairs while I was watching this and said “Is that guy ever in anything where he doesn’t look like that?” Anyway – here he is, growling and scowling  in the Lord’s name with his hair covering his eyes – and doing  lots of yelling – as he recruits a young monk with protruding lips to show him the way through the marsh to the village in question. The young boy, you see, is questioning his devotion to The Way, you see, because he is in love with a nice young girl, which is forbidden, you see. Along the way they are beset by a gang of thieves who we are made to believe has killed the boy’s girlfriend providing some plot points for later. Eventually, they reach the idyllic village to learn it is inhabited by quaint, good looking, clean, extremely violent Pagans with a preference for crucifying Christians. Let’s just say the two groups don’t get along and a lot of characters end up on the wrong end of the sword. Or the mace. Or “the cage”. There is a particular shot where this movie could have surely ended, with the monk-boy crying in the reeds, but then it goes on for a good 15 or 20 minutes longer with the lame voice over conclusion.

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Bean: ” I Know I put a goddamned razor around here somewhere…”

I mean – not that bad, not that swell either. In the end, it makes me want to watch “Triangle” again.

To end this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MRS. THE IPC, THE LOVE (AND SAVIOR) OF MY LIFE!!!!

40 comments

  1. Kimberly Nixon is in a very funny tv show over here. Does she get naked in this? I mean, I didnt know she had been in a movie. Anyway, yeah I love Triangle but have always been on the fence about this movie.

    More importantly, happy birthday Mrs The IPC 🙂

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    • theipc

      LOL – I love how most of the comments here are about how we watch these to see Bean get killed!! Yep – drawn and quartered… i guess that’s no spoiler!

      THANK YOU!

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  2. I really like this movie and love Christopher Smith as a director (so happy you mentioned Triangle!). Although I agree it can’t quite figure out what it wants to do, it’s still very compelling and very well acted. Sean Bean is playing himself, yes, but let him do it! I also really liked Eddie Redmayne in this, even though his character is a bit all over the place. Still, how many movies are set in this awesome time period? Not enough, so everyone we get I gotta love a little bit more than I should.

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  3. I’m with Nick, I liked it a lot more than you did. But then again, I’m all for those Crusaders getting their arms ripped off. Or just Sean Bean, I guess.

    He didn’t die in the latest Silent Hill, I don’t think. He should have, though. Everyone should have. I fucking hate that movie. Maybe he did die. I don’t remember or give a shit.

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  4. Good review. This is exactly the type of movie I make sure to never watch ever. Looks like a boring boy movie. Hope the Mrs had a good birthday and I hope you don’t make her watch shitty movies! 🙂

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    • theipc

      No way – we watch wife friendly movies when we’re together : ) I watch things like this by myself…

      “This is exactly the type of movie I make sure to never watch ever.” THAT’S what I’m here for!!

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    • theipc

      Thank you sir!!! This was a weird movie – it was all bloody and mean and violent then it got preachy and “deep” and then it was a voiceover mess. LOL

      Thanks for reading!!!

      Like

    • theipc

      I thought this movie was just “OK” – it took too long to get to the point and then dragged ass until it was over…. Triangle ROCKED

      Like

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