From the Director of “HARDWARE” comes “DIET HARDWARE” – a movie set in the deserts of Afreeka featuring a silent loner who isn’t but just might be Dylan McDermott (but isn’t), a woman who looks just like Stacy Travis (but isn’t) and features far less robots – coming in at a count of ZERO. This movie came in the SHITFEST inspiring 16 pack of DVDs and a couple of weeks before I got around to watching it, my friend over at 90S HORROR MOVIES posted something about it. On that post some good people came around saying how much they liked this thing – and that’s great!! – so I went into this with mixed expectations.
The Last Boy Scout’s wife has one emotion….. PAIN!!!!!
l thought this movie was totally boring but I think that’s really just because it was made in 1992, back when grunge started to take over music and everyone felt the need to disassociate themselves from society and play dreary music and sit by themselves in coffee shops crying. Not me though – I grew my stringy hair out, bought a black leather jacket and went around town being a general badass in my red Hyundai. Because nothing says I’M A BADASS more than a red, five speed compact car. Anyway, this movie is slow and mopey and has loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong drawn out musical pieces that were kind of irritating and it’s sandy and dusty and dry and sad and self reflective and angsty and it smells like teen spirit.
That picture there has nothing to do with the movie but came up when I googled “Dust Devil 1992”. So this dust devil character feeds on the weak. Those that have lost their will to go on. After he gives them thrusty The Sex, he kills them and smears their blood all over the house and harvests their fingers. Before he does the thrusty The Sex, though, he takes a Polaroid of them for his box – I don’t know if I got why he did that because I was pretty uninterested most of the time, sorry to those of you who love this movie. It wasn’t for me.
This scene was kind of cool but I really didn’t get what the fuck was going on. Out in the middle of nowhere there’s a movie theater filled with sand. Suddenly the projector turns on and plays an old movie – I’m not sure why – but… yeah. Oh yeah, the story. The Dust Devil goes around sexing and killing defeated people, cutting off their fingers. Elsewhere Joe “I’m gonna dance a jig” Hallenbeck’s cheatin’ wife Chelsea Field leaves her abusive husband and heads out into the desert in a VW Beetle. Soon she crosses paths WITH DESTINY!!!! the dust devil and he sexes her but doesn’t kill her (for some reason) and soon she is tasked with helping this local cop trap him in some other dimension, forever and ever and ever AMEN BLOGGA!!
HOWDY SAILORS!
There’s probably a lot of deep meaning in this that I didn’t get and that’s all my fault but, in the end, I just didn’t love it. Surprisingly, there is a very, very violent “money shot” at the end that I totally didn’t expect but that three seconds didn’t save the whole thing. Sorry Catalin, sorry Dust Devil, this one just didn’t work out.
Isaacs Picture Conclusions 
I’d like to know more about this “Dust Devil 1992.”
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Would you like me to send you a copy. sir?
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No no the leather-clad lady picture.
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AAAAHHHH
Yes, Yes – we should do some very thorough research into this matter. VERY thorough.
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I’ll go get your sweaters…
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*cringes in fear*
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THAT IS IT! You’ve taken it too far. I’m on the first flight to where you live and I’ll punch you in the balls.
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Can we have a nice dinner first???
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Sure, I don’t see why not. We can have one after as well. And a couple of beers and stuff.
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Before you crush my balls.. : (
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No grunge? Not even Alice in Chains? Soundgarden??? Whhaaa?!?
This sounds shitty, real shitty. I’d sue this movie if I owned the Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner company.
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I can give it up for some of the music but that’s about it!!
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I liked me some Soundgarden and Alice in Chains… I just didn’t like the ‘not showering’ part, and ‘not owning a car because it’s big business’ part of the scene 😉
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LOL – good one!
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That picture that isn’t “Dust Devil 1992” looks like “From Beyond” to me. Anyhoo, I remember liking this film when I was a bit younger, so sad that you didn’t like it. Mind you, if I revisit it, it might not be as good as I remember.
Have you seen Hardware then?
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I have seen Hardware – I saw it in the theater. I remembered really liking it and then I watched it again a few months ago and didn’t care for it as much.
Then i sat down and wrote a long post about Hardware and my friends and my “acid days” and then thought – “who needs this shit?” and trashed it.
Did you see Hardware? On my rewatch – it was way to “Ministry-ish”…
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I’ve seen Hardware, but I don’t remember a huge amount about it, apart from the robot in the shower, some guy off British soap Eastenders getting chopped in half by a door, and Lemmy from Motorhead in a boat.
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And some fat guy beating it in an apartment across the way….
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I want to read a post about your acid days by the way. 😀
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I’ll see if I can work something in sometime soon : )
Have you ever seen our posts we do over at The Bloggers Cut?
There may or may not be some art imitating acid life on this post:
http://thebloggerscut.com/2013/06/21/threes-cumpany-season-02-episode-07/
(It’s not too racy but not necessarily safe for work)
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Lemmy from Motorhead as the boatman was awesome, he threw out the lines they wrote for him and he said, I know what to say, so it’s pure Lemmy!
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Awesome!!
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Hardware has been in my queue for awhile but I think I’ll skip this one.
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Hardware is better than this – you’ve made a good choice here.
Misty, you’ve been hanging around this place for a while now – I think I just put the finishing touches on my favorite post I’ve ever written – to be published Friday….
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Oooohhhhh, excitement!!!! I can’t wait!!
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Me neither!! : )
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Hardware was slow, but good: claustrophobic, dangerous, a B-movie that looked good, too!
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It did have some nice visuals –
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That photo of the leather-clad woman is from…… (I know the suspense is killing you)…… “From Beyond” the HP Lovecraft adaptation by Stuart Gordon and Brian Yuzna. When a scientist uses the Tinlingston Resonator to arouse the as yet unused penial gland in the brain, the side-effect is extreme sexual arousal. Have you guys been reading my posts? I told you to watch this! 🙂 And judging by the review it is a lot better than Dust Devils. If you want more info, see my best Lovecraft adaptations in film post!
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The mystery is solved!!! Now I can go do the VERY thorough investigating that needs to be done!
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I recognise the woman in the last photo……but I dont know why or where from. I doubt it was this film though 🙂
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If you read my words I typed and didn’t skim it, you sorry bastard, there are at least two clues as to what you have undoubtedly seen her in.
Skimmer.
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LOL – fuck you and the horse you rode in on. If its not spelled out for me I miss subtle clues. Cryptic bastard. I read it all, as I always do 🙂
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Like I wrote for you in that beautiful piece of work, The Grapes of Wrath, that you heinously stripped from your site after it got popular – I DON’T RIDE A GOD DAMMED HORSE!!!
Here’s another clue: she’s the wife in The Last Boy Scout.
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Great review! You know I’ve wanted to see this for years because I fucking LOVE Hardware, dammit???
People already answered but, dammit, I KNEW that chick from the picture not from Dust Devil is the chick from Re-Animator! (Yeah – I used to watch things a bit closer to the things you blog about) :-p
Grunge tried to kill the metal. They failed! (Yeah – Alice In Chains were okayish… But I tried to stick to my metal roots! ANTHRAX!)
God I’m old…
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WE’RE ANTHRAX AND WE TAKE NO SHIT!! WE DON’T CARE ABOUT WRITING HITS!!! (something something) I WIPE MY BUTT WITH YOUR FUCKING FACE!!
P.S.
GWAR
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Toilet Paper!
P.S.
Manowar
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It was basically the same cast in both, Re-animator and From Beyond. Barbara Crompton was naked in both 😀
Lets face it, most of those late 80’s bands WERE NOT metal – they were ‘pop’ with loud guitars: Poison, Warrant, Winger, The Nelsons (????), Firehouse – and that scene needed to die – the hairspary was killing the Ozone layer. Unfortunately, record co. execs couldn’t see the difference between Warrant and Accept or White Lion and Biohazard, so everything got tossed :0 Hell, even Judas Priest and Iron Maiden were indie labels for a while.
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Haha – Shit like Firehouse really had to die. 😉
But…. MAIDEN!!!!!!! Yes! And still going strong. 🙂
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(Oh, and Re-Animator chick was also in that Chopping Mall movie. Remember that?! I loved that stupid-ass movie!) 🙂
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