From the Director of “HARDWARE” comes “DIET HARDWARE” – a movie set in the deserts of Afreeka featuring a silent loner who isn’t but just might be Dylan McDermott (but isn’t), a woman who looks just like Stacy Travis (but isn’t) and features far less robots – coming in at a count of ZERO. This movie came in the SHITFEST inspiring 16 pack of DVDs and a couple of weeks before I got around to watching it, my friend over at 90S HORROR MOVIES posted something about it. On that post some good people came around saying how much they liked this thing – and that’s great!! – so I went into this with mixed expectations.
l thought this movie was totally boring but I think that’s really just because it was made in 1992, back when grunge started to take over music and everyone felt the need to disassociate themselves from society and play dreary music and sit by themselves in coffee shops crying. Not me though – I grew my stringy hair out, bought a black leather jacket and went around town being a general badass in my red Hyundai. Because nothing says I’M A BADASS more than a red, five speed compact car. Anyway, this movie is slow and mopey and has loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong drawn out musical pieces that were kind of irritating and it’s sandy and dusty and dry and sad and self reflective and angsty and it smells like teen spirit.
That picture there has nothing to do with the movie but came up when I googled “Dust Devil 1992”. So this dust devil character feeds on the weak. Those that have lost their will to go on. After he gives them thrusty The Sex, he kills them and smears their blood all over the house and harvests their fingers. Before he does the thrusty The Sex, though, he takes a Polaroid of them for his box – I don’t know if I got why he did that because I was pretty uninterested most of the time, sorry to those of you who love this movie. It wasn’t for me.
This scene was kind of cool but I really didn’t get what the fuck was going on. Out in the middle of nowhere there’s a movie theater filled with sand. Suddenly the projector turns on and plays an old movie – I’m not sure why – but… yeah. Oh yeah, the story. The Dust Devil goes around sexing and killing defeated people, cutting off their fingers. Elsewhere
Joe “I’m gonna dance a jig” Hallenbeck’s cheatin’ wife Chelsea Field leaves her abusive husband and heads out into the desert in a VW Beetle. Soon she crosses paths WITH DESTINY!!!! the dust devil and he sexes her but doesn’t kill her (for some reason) and soon she is tasked with helping this local cop trap him in some other dimension, forever and ever and ever AMEN BLOGGA!!
There’s probably a lot of deep meaning in this that I didn’t get and that’s all my fault but, in the end, I just didn’t love it. Surprisingly, there is a very, very violent “money shot” at the end that I totally didn’t expect but that three seconds didn’t save the whole thing. Sorry Catalin, sorry Dust Devil, this one just didn’t work out.